Ok. So here's my story. 2 months ago, just before Xmas my husband started acting very distant, but didn't want to talk about it. It was Xmas, he's away from his family, both our jobs were busy and money was tight so I wasn't too concerned. I figured after new year when things have settled we will talk and things will be sorted.
Instead just after new year he announced he wasn't happy, didn't love me and hadn't for a very long time. I couldn't believe it. He was normal, loving and affectionate right up to the week before Xmas, when it was like shutters came down inside him. He refused to talk about why he felt this way or for exactly how long, but implied it fad been before we were married (we have been together 10 years, married for 2), before our eldest D was born. (She us nearly 6) all he would say is that I am a horrible person and he cannot stand me. From then on he hang slept in our house. I did all the wrong things too, calling his family (who he won't speak too) begging him to try to work it etc. he pulled away completely. Said he wanted a divorce. He doesn't even believe in divorce for religious reasons!! He is like a complete stranger, total personality transplant. He went from being a great, hands on dad and husband to seeing the children once a week, and only when I am at work. He won't tell me exactly where he is staying or who with. I am suspicious of an EA but he denies this. He has become obsessed with the gym and has bought new clothes. It looks like a MLCbut he is only 29! Our children are very confused, and my eldest is showing some behavioural changes. He says that is my fault cause she has heard me on the phone. I'll take that she probably has, but seriously, does he really think they haven't noticed?
He has left all jus things at home, except for his work clothes, gym gear and razor. His pay still gets direct debitted into the joint account, and he isn't touching it. Certainly not paying rent/contributing to a household anywhere else. He says he just has generous friends. These 'friends' are work colleagues he didn't even hang out with 3 months ago. And they have never met me or the children. We are invisible to them. He has no car, and gets lifts everywhere apparently.
I bought DR a month ago, and have been trying to implement it. And also, I figure he started this, he can finish it, if he us do are it's what he wants. He isn't wearing his wedding ring but hasn't updated FB. He is putting photos up still, portraying the happy families image. He has gone from zero contact to some via text only, and only about work/kids. He says he doesn't care what I do, but wants to be informed what they do and who they are with. When I took them away for a weekend he was asking me to send him photos, tell him how they are. But he doesn't reciprocate this. I am trying to GAL, and went out last week. I got a sitter. The kids told him this, and he told me to use him next time. So he gets to know what I'm doing, but not the other way round? He won't discuss anything. I gave had 3 counsellor sessions, and he has been invited to each but didn't come. He won't even discuss what happens next, to split properly. He knows if we do, we will need to sell the house, and I have no family here, no support, so will just likely have to quit my job and move to where they are (500km away). He wo r discuss it, but won't discuss trying to work it out either. He seems happy with the current situation. He gets to live like a single guy, hang out with his mates, and be a 'part time' parent. I couldn't tell you the last time he even bathed and put our kids to bed. He is gone as soon as I walk in.
I just don't know what to ! And he is missing out on so much! Our S is only 20 months. And everyday he says a new word, or does something new. Breaks my heart.
And I have been feeling very sad the past few days, unable to snap out of it. I can't help but think of the 'new' life he is/will have, and of all the things I (and the children) will most likely miss out on - overseas holidays, owning a house, just a reduced standard of living etc etc. not great I know but I just couldn't shake it. I was considering setting a time limit in how long I will let this situation go on for, before I confront him and ask him to either commit to leaving, and do it properly, or commit to staying and trying to make it work. I hadn't been brave enough yet.
And then yesterday (Sat) I was working so H cane home to watch the children. He said he was going to take them to a play cafe, with a male work friend and his niece. When I cane home, the girls told me they met the work colleague but also met K with yellow hair. This is the woman I am highly suspicious if him having an affair with. I got so angry I confronted him. Apparently it wasn't planned, it was a last minute thing to invite her, and it wasn't an 'introduction' she apparently has a boyfriend. I'm not sure I believe any of what he says anymore. It just hurt so much that he would do that! We have even had conversations in the past where I have said that would be the most hurtful thing I could think of. And he goes and does it. I told him that's it, we are arranging mediation properly next week, I can't go on like this. And he never replied.
After that I felt strangely calm. (I think it has a lot to do with my going to church just before this, and the Gospel was Jesus' turn the other cheek sermon). I actually felt almost happy. I went in, started laughing and playing with the kids, got them their dinner and bathed, was just generally happy. He came into the kitchen at this time, and I started small talk, about work the gym etc and even caught him smiling and laughing with me. Of course he stopped himself but it surprised me. It was almost how we would normally interact, before all this. He never mentioned what I said about mediation. But he did pull himself away, you could almost see it. He put the girls to bed, and I was playing with S in the living room, watching TV, he came in and was readying himself to leave, but then sat there for a good 15 more minutes. I didn't ignore H, but didn't talk to him either. I kept playing with the baby, and let him move between me and his dad.
I'm not sure if these are positive signs, or if i am just too hyper-sensitive to everything at the moment. I also don't know what to do about what I said about the mediation. He is home with the children today again while I work again. I'm apprehensive as I'm not sure what to expect now. Although I guess that's not really any different from before. I'm trying so hard to be brave, and keep optimistic, but I am so scared of setting myself up for even more hurt, and I want to protect the children as much as I can. It breaks my heart that they already think it's normal that Daddy never sleeps at home now.
I am very sorry you are going through this! I could have written your first post, our husbands sound like the same person! It's a difficult time especially with young children, but know that there are others out there and there is plenty of support here. Reading and posting really is therapeutic. I'm pretty new at all of this myself, so I don't have much advice to offer. All I know is time heals all wounds. I believe that the hurt I feel now is no where near the hurt I felt in the beginning. I wish you the best of luck in your journey!! I am right there with you.
Just messed up today, didn't follow the rules very well. He came over to mind the kids while I was at work. I got really sad, and started thinking he must be unhappy too. He had a pretty bad childhood, which is a part of all this I think. So I texted him, reminding him that he is loved. No reply, not that I expected one. And then it all just got the better of me when I walked in at home. He is here, playing happy families, putting stuff on FB so people think everything is great and he is father of the year, when I know at some point tonight he will leave to an undisclosed location, and we won't know when we will see him next. He doesn't ever take the kids overnight. I imagine his single playboy buddies wouldn't be too impressed with 3 kids under 5 in their 'pad' So i asked him does he have a long term plan? Cause this isn't sustainable. He just kind of nodded. He doesn't want to hurt or disrupt the kids apparently. But this is ok. Argh!
Beersha im very sorry that u find yourself here. Please read divorce busting if u can. Also read Sandis 37 rules at the top of the New Comers Forum. Dont text him at all or pursue him, only communicate about the kids and logistical stuff. Believe none of what he says. The sadness you feel is very normal and that is why you will hear the word GAL (get a life) over and over. Going to church helped me too so keep doing that if it helped. Do things that are fun, workout look good smell good. Be Very attractive always and smile and laugh. Take up new hoobies if u can. Do things that u wanted to do. And come here everyday and post your feelings updates and what ever u want to share. So today think of fun things u can do with the kiddos.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thanks Rick. I just donor gave any understanding of where he is at. He doesn't seem to have any sort of long term plan, except to get away from me. He seems to think he can keep staying with mates and babysit the kids when required. Has he thought about how shared custody will work? How he will need his own place, his own car? He seems to think he can leave and can have the single man life I stole from him, loads of cash and women. He has zero respect for me right now and zero caring. I am trying to just be upbeat and positive around him. I even caught him laughing and smiling with me the other night, then it was like he remembered that he is supposed to hate me, and he shut down again. I would love to know what he has told his mates about me to justify this. He is mooching off them completely, but what have I done to make him so unhappy, to suddenly hate and leave? I never cheated, I took care of his kids, his house, his laundry. Made sure thee was food in the fridge and his bills were paid. Tried to be a good 'wife'.
He is ruining all aspects of my life and just doesn't care! I have had to call I sick today, again! Cause of the children. My work have been really patient, but it's wearing thin I know. He wants me and the kids to stay in the house, and to do that I need to work. But I am so close to by being able to, not with some support. All my family are too far away to help, and he only swans in like a babysitter once a week. And an awful babysitter at that. He lets them run riot. There is half eaten food and mess everywhere, and he never even made a token gesture to clean up.
He is so horrible and cold towards me. I just cannot stand it. How does someone change so much, seemingly over night? It might seem silly but he keeps doing little things to push me out of his life. He took our spare set of keys when he left. The keychain was my initial. The other keys have a family portrait (only taken in Nov) on them. When he left last night he took my initial off and left it on the counter.
I'm just not sure how much more I can take. I feel like just giving up, telling him you win, I'm done.
They dont change over night. They are changing right in front of our eyes. We either doent see it or ignore it. It hurts a great deal to see someone be so cold after trusting them with your soul. I know the feeling. You will be ok. I know it doesnt seem possible right now. I thought the same thing. I thought my life was over. I had lost the will to live. The fear consumed me. It still does at times but things are better. Be patient. I will ask again, what r u doing for fun? The more u obssess over him, what he does or I doing the harder this will be.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Hi Rick, I know he didn't change over night, but he never let on he felt this way. He was affectionate, loving, intimate right up until the week before Christmas. Then all of a sudden he pulled away and shut down. We had a fight that weekend, I don't know if that was the trigger, but it certainly didn't seem like an 'end of marriage' fight. I put it down to a 'Xmas and money and stress' fight. We apologised and I thought we would be ok. He apparently (his sister told me this) thinks I never let him do anything, or have any money (we have no money - we literally have no disposable income at the moment, we are getting by pay check to pay check); he hates my family (2 months ago he was trying to convince my parents to move in with us). I have never stopped him from doing anything. I might have said when he wants to go to the gym as I am putting dinner in the table, could you wait 30min as eat with us? Or I would say go out, have a laugh with the guys but just be mindful of spend ( as he is a generous drinker - everyone round would be on him)
I am trying to get out and do things for me. I have joined a netball team and the gym. I've lost 10kgs through stress so I might as well try to keep it going! It's hard though. All my close friends live quite far away, and have small families of their own. And how do you meet new people these days? Plus I have the kids all the time, unless I am working he doesn't come over. I have tried to get him to come over so I could go out but he just didn't show.
I wish there was a magic fix I really do.