Life's a Picnic

[BrightFuture]

Keep_going, beautiful post! Thank you.

[bustingout]

KG-- (((((())))) thank you for your post. I am going to re read and think about what you asked and come back. These are some hard questions I need to ask myself. Without fear.

Thank you xxx

[Valeska19]

It's okay to fear them Busting. These are NOT easy questions.

It's a matter on if you are allowing those fears to paralyze you.

Trust me... you will find the answers you are looking for exactly when you are supposed to.

Stay strong my friend.. for looking at the mirror this long and this hard does not come without reward. You just have to be strong enough to grab it!

[Valeska19]

and you are!

((( )))

[job]

Busting,
Your expectation level crept up just a wee bit when he was showing a few baby steps. Drop the expectation level. Your h disappeared not only because of VD and the weekend, but they generally do run back up into the rabbit hole if they get too close to the spouse and feel comfortable around them. This is very typical behavior. It's the one step forward, two steps back.

When they get too comfortable around us and are reminded of what they had in the way of love, home, family, etc., they drop their guard. Unfortunately, that wonderful feeling doesn't last long once they are on their own again. They begin to see their old life and they don't want to go back to that way of life, so they fight those wonderful feelings and have to put distance between us. It's all normal for them to come forward, nibble a few kernals of love and then disappear again.

I think you've been doing a good job of balancing things. The best thing you can do is leave him alone and if he wants to venture forth into your world, be kind to him. He's got a ways to go before he realizes what he stands to lose.

Keep the baby steps in the back of your mind...don't worry about the MIA status. It's very normal. Lower your expectations and continue moving forward. Live your life as if he may not return. Keep the focus on you and your children.

Try to stay positive. Okay?

[tadpole1025]

I don't want to hijack anything here, but Job if you read this, can you check out my latest thread titled: "Something Is Wrong With Me"? Just asking because you've given me a lot of help and would like to know your thoughts.

Tad

[willbwell]

thank you keepgoing for your posts. It gives me much to think about as well.

Busting,I think we do make the bast of our current sits. We are up everyday doing for our children. When we can, we do for ourselves too. Painful it is,but We are not wallowing in pain. We know our joys.

I had been contemplating recently, did I make it all up in my head? no, there were good and great things about h. It was not a fantasy,not all of it. Has he been the best h or father? no.
But really I did think we had a pretty good thing. I think the kids and I are still a pretty good thing.

I can see too how I would like to 'control' the situation. However, in reality, I have so little control. I would LOVE, for h to take on, that responsibility. To see the impact of his choices on his kids. He doesn't want to see it.
You know, I can, may, someday, 'move on' to another R. My children will never 'move on' to having another dad. Their father is not dead. Can't act 'as if'... He lives two miles away. They have to sadly deal with knowing their dad choses something else.be the best mom I can be. yep, it is what I am doing, but will it ever take that pain and sadness away? How does one tell a 17 yr ols boy, well you better ask God?

I too have operated under the same MO. I hAve kept the door open for h. I can't seem to cut that tie.
Sometimes, I have to even remind myself, this man has been so disrespectful to me, to the children. why should I be pleasant to him? but, he comes over and pleasant I am.

Thanks guys for sharing. For allowing me to share.

[bustingout]

I really wouldn't know what I would do without this board and all of you here. I want to send my heartfelt appreciation to you. ((( )))

KG I can see what you mean about elements of co dependency and control. I did get my expectations a wee bit up like job said. The baby steps were so different and positive that I was encouraged. Yet- I think my gut knew he was still 'not there'

I think I can look in the mirror and I know what I want. I want to stand. I feel stronger today though. Whatever this was has made me feel stronger to stand.

I can also look in the mirror and say that I want a partner.

I'm also very angry at H right now. In a way I have not felt before. He sent me a text yesterday and today about some credit card transaction I made online. He goes MIA from us all but 50 dollars makes him send a text..? Then he sent a third one today but it was so random I think it was a mistake. Either way I didn't respond- it would be too reactionary if I do. And I am glad I can recognise that now. I can see how I was always throwing down the gauntlet when I was angry in the past.

Right now I see him as selfish and arrogant. He just sent me another text saying he wants to talk to the kids. Then call them! I'm not stopping you. ( he didn't call). But I suppose it gives him the satisfaction to say to himself he wanted to speak to them but they didn't call.

He is so emotional so reactionary and so provocative. It's always about him. Always. His wants when he wants. Always when is convenient for him. He is always defensive. The kids wanted to speak to him in the past and I have sent texts and I get radio silence.

I have to stay in this country at least until the end of the school year .. What I have to decide is if I am staying one more year ( because of my work) or leaving at the end of this one. Needs to be for the right reasons. And I cant leave the school on short notice. So that's what I need to do for us now. I shifting my focus back on me and the kids.

I am angry and it's fuelling me. I know I need to gain some perspective and I will. I will let this anger work through me without reacting to it in fear.

Val thank you for your words of support. And KG I know there are still questions I have not answered and I will be coming back to answer them.

Job thank you for your wisdom into what is going on with H- it helps me so much. I will stay positive. And saying that you think I have been balancing things ok so far helps me too.


I'm actually GALIng tonight. A lecture on Sudanese archeology and then a dinner at a girlfriends house. Not too exciting but it's getting me out.


Thank you too willbewell for sharing and allowing me to share. I share your sentiments about the kids and their absence of choice in any of this.

We keep going. We Keep sharing. We keep growing.

[job]

Busting,

When in doubt, do nothing. Sit quietly and the answers will come when you least expect them.

Keep the focus on you and your children.

[LoisB]

Originally Posted By: bustingout

I know part of my current struggle is also that I am lonely. Day in and day out over the years raising the kids, growing from this sitch , and no one to share my life with, to support my kids with, it's hitting me harder these days. I very been making an effort to see friends when I can to counter the feelings. But sometimes , you know, I just want someone to watch tv with. I feel that is so far away.

Busting, my dear, dear friend. I also feel lonely. We both have been at this for so long. I tell myself that this is part of the grieving process... So when these feelings invade me, I go back to asking myself the hard questions:

Is this loneliness affecting me to the point of wanting to change things?
I am getting closer to deciding closing the door - but is it time yet?

I have read that people don't change their circumstances until the rewards of change outweigh the pain of continuing with the status quo...

And that is the hard question for those standing - am I ready to change because my pain is just too much that I cannot continue with my current course of action?

Only you can answer that.
But it's important to keep asking ourselves, because that is what taking care of YOU means... To make sure that you are acting in a way that will make you happy.
Only you will know if standing is still worth it.

And in that self-reflection it's important to really, really ask ourselves what are we really standing for:
- For the return of the man our husband currently is, or the idealized version that we made in our minds.
- Is it even possible for that version we remember (or want) to ever come back after all this time and all that has happened?
- Did that version ever exist?
- Or are we standing for the notion of "the intact family" that we always dreamed of?

The more time passes, the more I question these things...
Because like you, at the end of the day I want (AND DESERVE) to be in a loving, healthy R with someone. I think I have learned enough from this life lesson to offer a much healthier version of me for my next R.
And I deserve someone to love me 100% and someone that will treat me like #1 and someone who shares my same goals in a R.
(And I am not sure anymore that my H will ever be able to offer me that anymore even if he ever came back...)

And so when you get down and sad and lonely, ask yourself - Is my current course of action, and all this pain worth it?

If the answer is still "yes"
then take a deep breathe,
dig deeper,
accept what is,
get your focus back on making the best of your CURRENT life
and make yourself happy.

If the answer is "not anymore"
then it's time to make a change.

Either way, TAKE CONTROL of your situation and make yourself (and your kids) happy with what your life is TODAY.

The above really spoke to me right now. Along with what Job wrote. This is exactly what I'm grappling with today. Not grappling, exactly, it's sorta the background music to my life right now.

I'm realizing that there was a time when I knew the answer to whether I would stand or not. When asked if I was done with the marriage, "I didn't hesitate. I knew the answer was "No."

Now, I feel the answer is a resounding YES and I'm only procrastinating because of the paperwork involved. That makes me sad. I'm just really done with this man's antics. I think about him and I think about the wasted time. Time I've lost forever.

It may seem harsh, but it's where I'm at today.

Thanks for the insightful postings.