She left - My Story, First Post

[gogofo]

It makes sense now that you type it back to me. Thanks for keeping me straight.

[sandi2]

I hope this doesn't add to your confusion, but I wanted to add or clarify something about support regarding the family pet who has been so loved over many years

To me, this sad occassion you both will face is different from the celebrations of birthdays and Valetines. Unless she has asked you not to be there when the pet is put to sleep, I would offer to your support. I would say the same if it was one of her relatives who were in a terrible accident or had passed away.

You wouldn't take advantage of the situation by being there if you aren't wanted or overstay your welcome. I think 25yrs gave you a good example. So without going into a lot of detail, I trust you can see the extrem different events and why you would offer true support (emotional or physical) in this exception. But if you are confused by what I've stated, then let me know and I will try to do a better job explaining what I mean.

[gogofo]

I understand the difference and see that putting down the dog would warrant emotional and physical support.

Here is where I am confused and need advice. The W just emailed and asked if I could drop off kids at school Thursday and Friday.

This is because she has to wake at about 5:45 in order to get ready and by at my house by 6:45. I know she is working on her Doctorate and needs the time to complete assignments.

I would have to come in work later on those days, which usually isn't a big deal.

It makes me mad that this would not be in issue if she had not left, and I would not have to go to work later.

But... In the past I have been putting work before family which is one of my issues that I want to change about myself.

I see three possible decisions:
1. take the kids to school those days
2. let her keep the kids those days
3. tell her I want the kids and I cannot take them to school, she it the one that left and will have to figure it out

I am leaning towards #1 as it I can do this without issue and it would show that family is more important than work.

Is this the right move?

[Rick1963]

This happened to us. Our 12 year old Pug got really sick. It was in October exw filed in July. I was a real mess. I remember 25MLCs advice. Be there he was my doggie too. That was one very hard day. The vet asked if we wanted to be there. Exw said no, she was an iceberg. But I remember what 25 said. I said that I wanted to hold him while it happened. My daughter was there too and she said wanted to stay, brave little girl. While the doctor injected him my and daughter and I cried a lot. Ex had no affect. He died in my arms. We cried some more. Ex wanted for the vet to put him down and make as sanitary as possible. No pain no death it never happened, that's how I view it.

[25yearsmlc]

I understand the difference and see that putting down the dog would warrant emotional and physical support.

Here is where I am confused and need advice. The W just emailed and asked if I could drop off kids at school Thursday and Friday.

This is because she has to wake at about 5:45 in order to get ready and by at my house by 6:45. I know she is working on her Doctorate and needs the time to complete assignments.

I would have to come in work later on those days, which usually isn't a big deal.

It makes me mad that this would not be in issue if she had not left, and I would not have to go to work later.

IF it is not a big deal, then it's not a big deal. Don't pretend otherwise to punish her, b/c that is what it is. Punishment. "IF she had not left..." then I would not have to make this "no big deal" sacrifice.

What are you trying go model here, for her, behaviorally?

But... In the past I have been putting work before family which is one of my issues that I want to change about myself.



Gee, this seems like an obvious opportunity to show a 180, right?

I see three possible decisions:
1. take the kids to school those days
2. let her keep the kids those days
3. tell her I want the kids and I cannot take them to school, she it the one that left and will have to figure it out

I am leaning towards #1 as it I can do this without issue and it would show that family is more important than work.

Is this the right move?

it's easy to rule OUT #3, I hope.

and #2 Is the same as #3, but without admitting it is chosen to punish her.

Remember what my DB Coach said, ( and please forgive me if I am repeating myself) that

it's NOT our job to fix our spouses or "teach them a lesson/show them the consequences of their actions".

LIFE DOES THAT^^^^ for them.

Don't use the "I"d just trying to detach/Not enable" excuse, to disguise the underlying emotional cause of you choosing 2 or 3, which is to manipulate them by withholding an asked for favor, i.e. to withhold the request by your w, which you admit it NOT a big deal for you.

Again, think about your goal....

what would doing either #2 or #3 show her about you, really?

[25yearsmlc]

PS

More or extra time with your kids, should usually be seen as a GIFT to you (not "From" her so much as "to you").

IF it comes at a bad time or your w waits til the last minute or just seems to be cake eating, we can cross that bridge when we get to it.

But for now, it's YOU and your kids having more time together. And it's a time when they need you more than ever.

Usually, more time with the kids is NOT something you want to whine about, but you'll know if/when the time comes to set firmer boundaries.

[gogofo]

It sounds like I made the right decision. Writing out #2 and #3 felt good, but in my heart I knew that the kids and my time together is the most important.

This situation was the first time I felt real anger about what the S can do to the family. I feel like I am giving her all of the support of a M and good H even after the S. I did not see it as wanting to punish her until I read your response.

Basically my raw emotions were "You are f@$%ing with my job so you can get sleep and work on your things. If you had not left this would not have been a problem!"

I knew deep down what the correct answer was.

I know carry a bag with the DR book, 37 rules, my notes, and kindle with other self help books in it so I can turn to it when I need to.

[gogofo]

The good thing about my job is that I am a partner/partial owner in the firm so I can work different hours if needed.

It is a very accommodating and understanding work place and two of my partners know my situation and are concerned about the W and I.

We have had partners take off 8 to 10 weeks to care for sick family members and I was offered what ever time off I required to help with my situation.

Our finances were never a problem, just the time commitment it takes when your are a partner.

[gogofo]

My GAL activity this weekend to take my mind off of Valentines day is going to be making sausage. It is something I really enjoy and have not done in over a year or better.

When I did this before I would always deliver sausages to my family and hers. I plan on doing this again as I will have 20 plus pounds of sausage.

I am wrestling with whether or not I should deliver some to the W. She knows I am going to make it sometime because she took the book with the recipe and had to take a picture of it for me.

Would this violate the "no buying gifts" as outlined in the LRT?

Normally we would make them and cook up a couple the same day and then make tasting notes. Cooking is something we both really enjoyed and have a passion for.

If I do give her some, it will not be on Valentine's day.

I do not want them to be seen as a bribe or pursuing, but I really want her to have some. Why? Because I still have feelings for her and I know she really likes them.

Don't know if this is a bad move or not.

[Wonka]

GoFo,

Making sausages on HVD?!! LOL That's a first around here for sure! This gives a new meaning to "making sausages"--hmmmm.

I would suggest that you text W [or whatever communication method you two use] to ask if she would like a sausage. If yes, then ask how she would like to receive it? Let her make the choice. Do this without any expectations--after HVD.