"This new job option really could be a game changer for us."
I have definitely been the grumpy downer for the past few years as well. I freely admit that was the case and I was guilty as charged. I'm glad he's had what sounds like a breakthrough moment and I hope he continues his momentum in a positive direction.
Don't forget that guys like "words of reassurance" from girls, so take advantage to ask him how he feels about his decision to pursue what he's pursing and if you like how it's going...then tell him. As long as it is genuine and heartfelt.
You seem like things are on a more positive track...keep us posted.
Me: 42 WAW: 37 Kids: 0 Separated: 06APR13 M:7 Years, T:10 years WAW states she wants to "move on": 01JUL13 "Courage is the standing army of the soul which keeps it from conquest, pillage, & slavery."
HI Guys! Wow, this is truly roller coaster status! Slow, you definitely practiced patience and love by waiting on your desire to push him. I wish these guys could snap out of it and just talk out their thoughts and feelings and know that we are here for them...(duh!). This is where our sitch's remind me of each other. I see from your sitch more clearly than from my own that your H doesn't feel adequate when it comes to you and your children...AKA his family! And since the baby is newer to the sitch, I think he just couldn't handle it because his career is in turmoil. My BF is the same. He is so stressed about his career it is like a HUGE BLINDER. He cannot see past it. So, no one else causes him to feel such responsibility and Pressure, if you will. So while some men take that and just do what needs to be done, some don't and they FREAK OUT, making things worse before they can get better. I feel that my BF sees me as someone he does not deserve until he can provide like a man...and since he is worried that he will never accomplish his goals (HIS confidence problem), he pushes me away and in his mind I have become the one who gets the least of his attention.
Now, my BF does not have kids so this really adds to his lack of responsibility for anyone but himself. Yours is a new dad...so that is uncharted territory for him so far. They both have glimpses of doing the right things and then they like it so they preserve just enough and keep coming back. They know we are invested. It is a crazy mental mess!! But, no one is really to blame. I know that I have beaten myself up about my "fault" in getting to the trouble spots. I also know how much I have grown as a person from all of this. So I know what you mean about the divorce being the better option when it comes to that choice of having a nice person to deal with!
My BF is always nice. Its maddening at times. He is never mean to me, he is never harsh or angry. He is the sweetest man I have ever met, really! But in his efforts to hold me at an arms length and distance himself from me, he has hurt me very much. For 7 LONG months I have DBed and chosen not to bring up R talk. I think I have taken it to the extreme and become afraid that anything relationship related that I choose to say will send him running in the opposite direction. So, although things have been going relatively well...spending a little time together and being happy when we do...the truth is, I am hurting so much inside that it is no longer worth it. Hurting inside because I feel like the one person who I want to talk to about everything...I cannot talk about anything to. Eggshells. Well, the other night I couldn't take it. I am sick of getting ZERO from him. If I text he texts back. If I don't text, he eventually will check in. But day to day, we don't really communicate. When we see each other, we make love...always wonderful...but then I don't hear from him for a week. IT REALLY HURTS! I have had enough. So...I texted him (I know, still a little chicken) and asked why I never hear from him...and whether he even thinks of me as his girlfriend. It opened up a conversation where I FINALLY told him how I feel. I didn't care what he thought about it! After going back and forth, it finally came out that he does consider us in a relationship. And I left it at that. It was enough for now. I pushed a little and tested the boundaries. So, after all of these months of excruciating wonder...I know he is still in...but now it is just a matter of defining what our relationship is to him. Because seeing each other on his terms, and squeezing me in for an hour of sex here and there when he has time...isn't going to cut it for me anymore.
Sorry, I didn't mean to go into my sitch here so much as I meant to relate our sitch's and say that yours helps me to see mine and give me more patience with him...as you said, regardless of how it turns out. Everyday I tell myself I will know when I have had enough. I believe in his ability to accomplish his goals, now he needs to! Nothing I can do if he never figures out that it is all about the people you have in your life and loving them while you can! I want my old BF back..the one I could talk to about anything and the one who doesn't act like an acquaintance around me. If we have to be "friends" to be that way again, so be it!!
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
10 months ago my H moved out. Today he's starting to move back in.
Our sitch is approaching the 2 year mark and things aren't perfect, but we are on the best footing I've felt in a very long time. Everything we both want and need to make things work is out in the open and we aren't walking on eggshells for a change. I'm cautiously optimistic that our worst moments are behind us.
I feel like we are at a good place where I can accept him for what he can offer and he's actively trying to give me more of what I need from him.
It will take some time to adjust to not having my own time and space like I do now living on my own, but I'm ready to see what life is like with us both committed to working this out. I'm excited he's giving up his own place and that we are consolidating furniture and finances so that he no longer has a backup plan.
It gives me great confidence that after all we've been through my H is still willing to be around my parents, siblings and friends even though he knows they aren't his biggest fans. Also my kids have been through the wringer but they still say they love their step dad and want him home even after all the ways he's hurt them.
In a way I'm thankful for all of the struggles of the past months. I feel like I see what is and is not important in other areas of life and have learned to be more accepting and loving toward people in general. Learning to GAL makes you a more interesting co worker and friend too so it's a good reminder to keep a balanced life. Plus I feel oddly closer to my H and like I know him better than I did before things got rocky. We both had to overcome times where it would have been easier to just walk away so I feel like if we can make it past this last part of piecing things back together there isn't anything life can throw at us that will be harder to survive than what we have already overcome.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
Read this article that was in an e-mail blast from Michelle. Towards the end, I think it has the answer to your feelings that you expressed: ==============================================================
The Divorce Busting® Center The Compatibility Myth February 6, 2014
Hi,
Over the years, I've been asked countless times what engaged people should know about their future partners in order to determine life-long compatibility.
That's a reasonable question.
After all, it makes perfect sense that two people planning a life together should discuss major life decisions such as whether to have children or remain childless, how many children they want, where to live, religious beliefs, how free time should be spent, with whom they'll spend holidays, and so on.
Many of life's disappointments could be avoided if people discover in advance of marriage that their expectations simply do not jive.
However, I'm convinced that a false sense of security can come from believing that agreement on these issues or that having similar values, backgrounds, or even likes and dislikes can insure a happily-ever-after-marriage.
It doesn't.
Take as many compatibility quizzes as you like, these questionnaires won't offer a clue about what really makes marriages work. Why?
Well, for a few reasons.
To start with, what a person believes at one stage in life may be radically different from what she or he believes years later.
In short, people change.
If you think that your partner's attitudes and beliefs early in marriage will be the same when he or she turns forty or fifty, you may be in for a rude awakening and feel that you've been fooled by a bait-and-switch ploy.
You haven't. People just change.
Secondly, even if you have similar backgrounds and values, it doesn't necessarily mean that you will see things eye-to-eye on important issues.
For example, many believe that being of the same faith is a prerequisite to having a successful marriage. I once worked with a very religious couple whose faith was the most important thing in their lives. However, they had major disagreements about how to practice their religion and eventually ended up divorcing.
I remember reading a study listing several factors that placed marriages at risk of divorce such as having divorced parents, marrying at an early age, marriages where the woman had achieved a higher educational degree than the man, cohabitation prior to marriage, and so on.
As I read the article, I quickly became aware that my husband of nearly forty years and I were poster children for marriages doomed to failure. (I hope he doesn't read the article.)
So, is longevity in marriage simply the luck of the draw? Are loving, life partners just chosen randomly?
Absolutely not.
What then, accounts for marriages that survive the odds, marriages that last far beyond what compatibility quizzes, matchmakers, or even research predicts?
The answer is simple.
Both partners must agree about the importance of working out their differences in fair, constructive and loving ways.
There must be a platform upon which both spouses feel safe sharing difficult feelings and knowing that their partners will really care, really listen and take their feelings into account, even if it isn't convenient.
When both people know that their feelings matter- that it's more important to feel connected than to be right- love works.
Naturally, this ideal sort of interaction doesn't happen each time conflict arises in relationships. After all, we're only human.
But if, over the long haul, there is more caring than competition, marriages can survive virtually any kind of infraction, crisis or misfortune.
If more people screened their partners for their willingness to learn and practice constructive conflict management skills, I feel certain I'd be selling fewer Divorce Busting books. And that would be a good thing.
All my best,
Michele
Me: 42 WAW: 37 Kids: 0 Separated: 06APR13 M:7 Years, T:10 years WAW states she wants to "move on": 01JUL13 "Courage is the standing army of the soul which keeps it from conquest, pillage, & slavery."
I don't know what to say to you except that I'm happy for you and your husband and your family. I know you had a lot of dark days filled with uncertainty but you proved that it takes one to tango.
You've got a lot of work to do moving forward but it sounds like you have gotten some solid footing right now.
Keep us posted on how things are progressing for you as your journey continues. All the best for future success and peace.
Me: 42 WAW: 37 Kids: 0 Separated: 06APR13 M:7 Years, T:10 years WAW states she wants to "move on": 01JUL13 "Courage is the standing army of the soul which keeps it from conquest, pillage, & slavery."
The dark cloud hanging over my house has finally given way to sunshine. My H isn't completely moved back in yet but he stayed over all nights except 1 so far. He's also making more of an effort to cook and do the dishes.
People on the boards always say that the old relationship is dead and that you've got to start a new relationship w/ your spouse. However I can't help but feel like I just got my old H back and I'm so happy to see the guy I once knew again.
Also I'm going out of my way to give him more time and responsibility w/ our S, like asking him to give him his bath yesterday. I always thought i was being easy on him out of curtesy since he works a lot and has no experience with kids. However by going easy and not asking for more I was unintentionally standing in the way of him figuring out how to be a dad. He might not get things right on his first try but I see his confidence growing each time I encourage him to help in new ways.
He's a good dad. I'm proud of him.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
WOW! Slow, I am super happy for you! And once again you have given me hope! To know how far you have come is amazing. To know that the ups and downs you experienced have given way to your H making the right decision for your family is so great and it makes me proud of YOU for sticking with it and learning your lessons. Congrats!!!
Confluences, Thank you for that article. It was very good. If I am looking at it the way you intended, it made me feel like although my BF is in his own zone still...his sweet, kind-hearted nature will be victorious and beat out his selfish and non- communicative ways. The old BF who used to make me talk to him about everything and work stuff out...will resurface and our caring ways will override our current differences! Haha...no matter the intention, this is how I choose to read into it! So thanks!
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
Glad you all are on a good path. Slow you especially seem at peace, you have been touched by grace and like NM said you are inspirational. You got to go thru the Trial in order to have the Testimony for everyone to see that all things are possible with patience, time, and diligent effort.
My situation is getting interesting....with more updates shortly.
Blessings to both of you.
Me: 42 WAW: 37 Kids: 0 Separated: 06APR13 M:7 Years, T:10 years WAW states she wants to "move on": 01JUL13 "Courage is the standing army of the soul which keeps it from conquest, pillage, & slavery."
Just a quick update, another week has come and gone and our marriage is still heading along the path of healing. Things feel so normal and stress free. This is a very good place to be in. I have to give my H credit, he's really continuing to step up and help with the things I've asked of him. Plus there are moments where I watch him laying on the floor playing with our son where I am just so happy we are working toward all living together again.
This has been one of the hardest winters in the north east and I feel like it took so much effort to get through it. Now that I survived the cold I enjoy the occasional warm days we get and feel like I'll savor the spring even more than I ever have. I feel the same about my marriage... That I survived a very cold challenging time and won't take my relationship for granted as I did in the past.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
This is a really really inspiring thread for me. Even when things seem so "final", when it seems like there is only one road forward, things can still change.
I do have lots of questions about how you "re-enter" a WAS into your family and friends. How do those relationships heal? I feel like even if my H was having second thoughts about ending our M, the thought of having to be around my family ever again will be enough to keep him from reconciling with me. I think he'd be too afraid of facing them and rebuilding their trust. How is that working for you?
