Maybe Piecing ... But Now I am The Unhappy One

[lost_hope]

Hello, just checking in. For those of you unfamiliar with my story here are my previous posts and my quick stats are in my signature.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...700#Post2360700

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...688#Post2366688

So I am in a situation that many of us who have younger kids may find themselves in. I said it before but now I distinctly feel we are just staying together for the baby mixed in with the fact that we both know middle class divorce can be financially devastating at a point in time where we are still in our "acquiring" phase. So we are kinda sorta piecing though he never really called it that. He just stopped his "I am unhappy" "I hate (insert plethora of things) about you" "It will be better to split before baby realizes anything" talk. And when I kind of mention his unhappiness or his wanting to leave he tells me to focus on our house and baby.

But now I am the unhappy one. I feel like a sitting duck. At any time in the future he may choose to leave me. He is the one who decides when we ML (so far only twice in the past month and before that none since mid-pregnancy). He is the one who decides how much love and affection is shared. He is the one that decides how giving to be on special occasions. I feel unfulfilled in my marriage and I resent him. I hate that he left me twice, with EA the first time and feeling totally abandoned in pregnancy.

He is a great father and I really don't want my son to grow up in a broken home. Should I learn to accept what my marriage has become and just be content with basically a co-parenting friendship with shared finances and occasional sex? If I can be content with that, it will take away 99% of our arguments, so is that the best case for my baby? And this is of course assuming he doesn't decide one day he is unhappy again and wants to leave us.

I just feel so empty and alone, but I don't want to get a divorce either.

[Mimi00]

I don't recall your previous threads off the top of my head, but did you ever begin GALing (picking up hobbies and other things you like to do?), if so do you still continue those things now? If now, you need to GAL and do things that give you confidence and make you feel good.... b/c you're not going to get that from your H at this point and the resentment is only going to grow.

You are responsible for you being happy, you have to remove that expectation from your H. His actions or lack their of shouldn't have that kind of power. So try to take the focus of what he's doing or not doing. He should just be the cherry on top of whatever happiness you already have.... so what can you start doing to start building yourself and your own happiness up?

You can also continue to try to save the marriage own your own, books like DB and other are out there to help with that.

Why is it that he's in "control" of ML, showing affection etc???
Have you tried to make love in the past and been rejected? Or do you wait for him to initiate, thus giving him the "control"?

I don't know your life, but if I were you, I would buy a few fancy new night gowns and start wearing them to bed with no expectations. Do it for you and see if your H starts to wonder why or even starts to want to be a little closer (if he does ask, just tell him you needed some new things and it makes you feel good) As far as affection, there can be times where you touch him gently, naturally, as you're walking past him in the house, or in conversation touch his leg. Or for example while watching TV choose to sit near him instead of on the other side of the sofa. These changes from you, though subtle and not obvious, may cause him to touch more/be more affectionate b/c this is the environment you have created w/ out expectations. So you do have some options IMO (unless he has told you never to touch him etc...?????)

At some point, after a few weeks if there is no progress, you will have to change your approach, and have a discussion with your H about counseling or attending a program like Retrouvaille, and let him know you can't continue in the marriage the way it is...so that is what you need for you both to take the next step in improving life together and not just existing.

But changes starts with you. We can't control our spouses, we can only change ourselves to be better with or with out them.

[Accuray]

Just from what you've written above that feels like a torture-fest and not sustainable. If you found out you only had 10 more years to live what would you like them to be like and how many of them would you sacrifice for your current sitch? Your H came back but did not recommit and is ignoring your needs. Therefore you are still DB'ing and not piecing. I would GAL with every minute you have and try to get H to Retrovaille

[2stubborn2quit]

I think my short answer would be no, you can't tolerate that. You'll eventually have your problems catch up to you and it'll hit you hard. But that doesn't necessarily mean you have to leave, no one can answer that one for you.

I never read the book until after W left and I saw a lot of stuff that I really think would have helped.

Have you worked on the GAL stuff up to the point you feel independent? You won't feel in control of yourself on this R until you do. I'm not entirely there yet either.

[lost_hope]

Hi Mimi, I was trying the "do not initiate" part of DB-ing/180. I have spent far too many nights complaining of lack of affection than a young, healthy, married woman should have to. I just want to say I AM happy. I have always been happy in life, no more than now with my gorgeous son in my life, but I am unhappy in my marriage. I agree I shouldn't depend on him for happiness in life, but isn't it right to depend on my husband to fulfil me in my marriage? If not, then like I said we are friends who amicably co-parent our child, share finances and have very occasional sex. Also I can try to dress up a bit at night, but honestly he never appreciates it when I do. He never compliments me, ever. So I have given up doing things at home. I still get dressed up for me and for work, but it all comes off when I am home b/c I now really don't have the time to prance around for him when I am a b-feeding mom who needs to be in comfy clothes. I lieterally don't have the mental capacity right now .

Accuray, that's a hard question. I see your general point but honestly, if I had ten years to live, I think I would stay in my current sitch for my son, stop the war/DB-ing and live out the rest of my years peacefully. BUT I 100% agree with you, you are correct, we are not piecing at all. H won't go to counselling. I've tried. Even after his EA, to get me back he agreed to it, and then he stopped after 1 sesssion b/c he said we can fix out own problems. Clearly that was not the case

2stubborn2quit, I did read DB while pregant but maybe it's time I dust it off again. I agree with you and Accuray I need to GAL like my life depends on it. I never reached the point where I feel independent, no. Because part of me feels that is so unauthentic in a marriage. Like if I have to be that way, then why be married? Oh yeah ... in our case amicably co-parenting a baby, sharing finances and occastional sex. Sigh ...

Thanks for the feedback guys.