Our friend, Bluesgal, over in Newcomers has a H who is definitely in MLC. Job, Heather, WR, etc...it would be great if you would stop by her thread to lend support as she's comfy hanging around the Newcomers community pool. Thanks!
I will answer questions posted by the end of this week. Been busy with work setting up a new division in my company and overseeing it.
Calling class back in session from the long winter break
Alrighty...let's get back to the program. TVS: Another mushy romantic? Have you been drinking from that Kool-Aid punch bowl too? I think I'll need to take away the bowl privileges from the class.
Magic: You have a quite number of good posters on your thread.
'd love your perspective as to why my H, is stringing me along (undecided if intentional or not). And if you did that as well to Mrs. W
Never. We are very confused and foggy from the MLC. You hear them say one thing one day, then the next day a different thing. It is all down to MLC confusion. Not a deliberate act of stringing along you. Absolutely not.
What advice do you think Mrs. W would give to the LBS of the MLCer?
I don't think at all. Because Ms. Wonka has never been on this site and isn't a DBer. So it is hard for me to even speculate on what her thoughts would be. We'll never know. DXW:Thanks for stopping by here. As humans, we are emotional creatures. The trick is to recognize them and have a healthy relationship with them. Whatever that may be to you. Being honest and authentic with ourselves is a difficult path indeed. The added bonus is being able to be self-aware as they crop up. Ohh...the rewards...oh my! Worth it.
MyWay: Hiya! Glad you're here in my class. Didn't you just sneak in quietly without me noticing you at all? Ah...the shy student, heh?
Did you think about Mrs. Wonka while you were in the fog? I have heard that MLCers cannot stop thinking about the LBS and children yet act as if they cease to exist. I am wondering if that really is the case. It is hard for me to fathom that my H ever thinks of anyone but himself and the OW.
Yes, I thought about Ms. Wonka often and looked to her for actions. As mentioned earlier, I was depressed and feeling pressure coming at me from all corners of the world. It is due to the pressure itself that we push the LBS away--HARD. We want you guys to get the f*ck out of our faces. You're just one added source of pressure that we don't want or need in our lives. Regarding the OW/OM, it is our drug of choice...dopamine effects that affects our brains thus our actions are out of the ordinary. The saying goes here..."this is a crisis." Yep. Unfortunately, it affects everyone around the MLCer when there's OW/OM involved.
If anyone close to you (family, friends) etc. HAD tried to talk some sense into you, do you think it would have mattered?
Please keep in mind that the MLCer withdraws from friends and family. So if they tried to talk to me or talk sense into me, I'd brush them off. I'm not the problem. Also I hated, hated the fact that 1,000 pairs of eyeballs were judging me. We stress here in the MLC forum not to judge, preach, badger or nag the MLCer for it introduces pressure to them. Then they all head back into the tunnel.
Did you begin to show signs of duress (physically) at some point during the MLS? My H looks terrible...as if the life is being sucked out of him.
I probably did to some extent. Over Christmas of 2003, I became so physically ill while staying at my parents' house that my father got me in the car and drove me to the emergency room. He had to prop me up a bit as I walked into the emergency room. I'd like to see this as MLC intervention as it, to me, broke the MLC fever for me. The fog started to dissipate and I came out of it around March 2004.
CourageousWife: Glad to see that my thread helps you a bit!
Maybe I missed it, as sometimes I am in my own fog, but how long from start to finish did it take for you to navigate the MLC tunnel?
Start of MLC: May 1999 End of MLC: March 2004
Close to 5 years, honey. I bet the length of my MLC tunnel circled the Earth several times over!
My Wonkie Enterprise Ship was flying wobbly all over the place as I struggled with my personal grief and confusion. Obviously I was a newly minted Starship Cadet not a Captain! I simply went through the motions of day-to-day life and neatly compartmentalized my life in sections (the concept for compartmentalization came from Job over in Shannon's thread).
Over the summer and early fall, relations with my then boss slowly deteriorate to the point where we were barely on speaking terms and avoided each other. Eventually, I was let go sometime in November 1999. A first for me. In retrospect, my MLC fogged thinking affected the relationship with my then boss' P/A tendencies. A perfect recipe for disaster.
Prior to my MLC and my current non-MLC life, I am usually very diplomatic and able to diffuse any potential tense situations. Funny, during my MLC, I was not able to put up with or tolerate my then boss' P/A tendencies. By no means was I overly confrontational with her, but I did call her out on a few occasions. Bad move. Nowadays, I just let people with P/A tendencies go with a smile and walk away.
Magic: You have a quite number of good posters on your thread.
'd love your perspective as to why my H, is stringing me along (undecided if intentional or not). And if you did that as well to Mrs. W
Never. We are very confused and foggy from the MLC. You hear them say one thing one day, then the next day a different thing. It is all down to MLC confusion. Not a deliberate act of stringing along you. Absolutely not.
I wish to add some clarification to the above comment.
In my view and based on what I've read on the MLC Forum, it seems to me that the truly nasty Jekyll/Hyde MLCers do actively string the WAS along with falsehoods, deliberate misleading information, and outright desire to hurt the spouse. Examples that point to this trend are: Beatrice (Bea), WhiteRose (WR), and WishingHoping (WH).
By large and generally speaking, the MLCer does not string you a long with deliberate intent at all. It is the confusion that's causing all of this double-talk and seemingly unconnected random thoughts.
I wonder if there is a difference, physically, mentally, surroundings, something that will make some spouses more jekyl/hyde and some more pussy cat? I will say, that in my stitch, H has NEVER made any attempt to reconcile. Never wavered from needing to D me and get the he11 out of dodge.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
I've read alot in the archives how the MLC-er...if/when they come out of the fog...expect things to be the way they were before BD.
Is this true for you?
Was it like time stood still while you were in the fog? Did you have any inkling that family/friends were moving on with their lives? Or, did you simply expect them to be right where you left them.
I ask because I sometimes get the impression, that, while the kids and I have grieved his loss...I sometimes think he hasn't even really begun to grieve what he has lost. Maybe because he thinks it's all lying dormant until he returns.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, It's true that they think that we are right where they left us. Time is very slow for them and even still, so when they come out of it, the children have gotten older, the pets are older or have gone on to pet heaven and we aren't the same any longer. They tend to be like Rip Van Winkle's waking from a very long nap.
Wonka may not agree, but that's what I've been told by several who have come out the other side.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
But, it makes sense. I can see, then, how this man who loves his children, has let so much time pass by. I think he was always in somewhat of a fog. Able to let important moments pass by.
To the outside world it looks like neglect, and it is. But, I guess it makes sense that he is operating on a different clock than the rest of us. D11 will be a teenager when/if he comes through this. She was a little girl of 9 when he left. How sad. How insanely sad.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, with that in mind, can you start to see the bigger picture? Can you see the intense pain they are in and are inflicting on you and those around them? In some cases (mine for example) there is intent to hurt. But I remember many times feeling like I was paying the price for somebody else's sins. i.e. the punishment didn't fit the crime (I'm not perfect and was reminded of ALL my faults and then some. But they were blown WAY out of proportion and often things were made up that were forgotten later.)
In the bigger picture, it wasn't/isn't about me. And time? Yeah, my ex is on a delayed timer to be sure.
I can only imagine how much tougher that makes things for her.
Her problem to be sure, and no excuse. But it is kind of sad to watch. Like a trainwreck in slow motion at times with little recollection of much of it.
Such is life, no?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I simply went through the motions of day-to-day life and neatly compartmentalized my life in sections (the concept for compartmentalization came from Job over in Shannon's thread). 