Need help saving my family

[Scorp7]

Yes, I have the kids with me but not as often as they need. In the past four months they've been with me for 18 days. I am so grateful for that time but they need their Dad much more than that. I've asked my W that we could share time with our kids as equally as possible but she's been resistant so far.

[Scorp7]

I can't help but feel that there is a more proactive approach that I could consider that would turn our situation around sooner. I believe my W is hurting and that is the main reason for her anger. My W fell in love with me once, maybe even multiple times over the years, so it's possible it could happen again if I take the right steps and avoid the wrong ones.

From my posts so far it may come across that our life together was a bad one, it was far from that. There were far more happy times than bad but over time my wife seems to have only been able to recall the unhappy times. I understand that and it's natural. As I mentioned, we both may have been suffering from depression and I think she may still be. My W could easily have been suffering post partum. I'm not sure that she's thinking clearly right now.

[LITB]

Doesn't surprise me about your W being reluctant to let you have them more. I am sure you don't want to rock the boat with her, but at some point you need to know your rights as their father. Maybe you already do.

I'd suggest getting them something for Valentine's day. Build your relationship with them, because you will always be their dad. However, do not give them gifts with any expectations attached to your W.

Let us know what you decide.

[Scorp7]

Our kids were VERY happy before my W left. The loved school, played happily all day long and loved life. Our oldest daughter is now in counseling several times a week. Our second oldest daughter is also having problems.

They have told me repeatedly they want to live with me and don't want to be at Grandma's. I tell them that their Mommy is the best Mommy in the world and that she loves them very much. I also tell them that I love them and they will always have their Mom and their Dad. I have no doubt that my kids love me. The main reason I feel somewhat desperate to save our marriage is for my kids. I can see the effect the situation has had on them already. Yes they can learn to cope and could adapt but it is so much less than what they deserve.

I had planned to get my kids some things for Valentine's Day for sure. I also had a suggestion from a marriage counselor I am seeing on my own to perhaps make something with my kids that they could give to their Mom.

[Scorp7]

One thing I have heard from elsewhere as well as from MWD is that my W's angers is not necessarily a bad thing. If I were to give her the video compilation of our lives together with me performing "our" song I am sure it would touch her. She may initially respond in anger, or with no response at all, but I think there's a good chance it would get through her walls so to speak.

I won't give her anything on Valentine's Day. That is far too obvious and wouldn't be taken very well at this point so instead I will do something with the kids that they can make and then they can give her their creation. If we make some chocolate together for her or something like that I think it would be taken far better by my W.

[LITB]

Don't count on it. She still wants a D. What makes you believe that she will be receptive to anything from you?

Like I said before, it is pursuing. There will be an expectation attached to this being positively received. When it doesn't happen, you will come away disappointed.

[Scorp7]

Seeing my kids suffering like they are is what is making me feel desperate to turn this around sooner rather than later. I don't want to risk losing any chance they have of having their parents back with them by making a mistake now but I also don't want to sit back and do nothing if I should be doing something. Its hard to know and be certain what the best course of action would be.

[LITB]

I understand completely where you are coming from when it comes to your children, however this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Here's the thing. It took a long time for your W to decide she was done. That is a big decision. It is going to take time for her to consider the thought of giving you a second chance. Your changes have to be consistent over a period of time for them to become believable.

Watching a compilation of the good times that you had together, are not going to override the negative feelings that made her decide to leave. Not this soon anyway.

Has she given you any inclination that she would be receptive to it? Also, I'm still curious if you cleared your name in regards to her accusation?

[Scorp7]

My W is being influenced by her parents in a big way to do what she's doing. I have had little hints here and there that she is not as certain as she's been saying about what she's doing. She actually told my Mother a couple of months ago that she often would wake at night and wonder what she is doing. It seems like each time she has doubts about what she's doing her parents remind her of how bad I was, that's she's doing the right thing, etc.

If I did manage to touch her heart, even in a small way, it could be another step back in the right direction. Otherwise she has a lot pushing her into going toward D.

The accusation is still being dealt with but all indications are that it won't go much further. My W has said that she didn't want that to go as far as it did and doesn't want it to go any further.

[LITB]

Thank you for answering my questions. It is helpful to us when trying to help you.

Glad to hear the accusation is being put behind you. However, I wouldn't trust anyone on the opposing team. Be careful of giving the benefit of the doubt. I'll leave it at that.

I don't believe giving your W anything at this point will be effective. At the same time, I know we all do what we think is best in our situations in spite of what anyone says.