She left - My Story, First Post

[gogofo]

Hopeful,

I hear what you are saying about time eating up all of our time; too bad hind sight is 20/20. The unfortunate truth is that I think she would not stop her doctoral program and I would not encourage her to (at this point). People who care about us both have asked if she was going to postpone or stop her classes right now to work on us, but she has said no. I think she does not have time to even think about our M or R.

I know it sounds more attractive to keep on going now that we are is a bad spot. When the S first began we both said how we would have changed things significantly if we would have know the outcome. But when I said lets start over and work on this, she did not feel the same. The sitch was really fresh at this time though.

I have great hope for us, but don't know if this is just me being unrealistic or not. I am far away from me giving up any time in the near or far future.

[Tarheel]

Gogofo, I've been following your thread as I feel I'm in a similar sitch. I also have been wondering about Valentine's Day. Do nothing and treat it as any other day so as not to add pressure? Or treat W as a friend and make sure not to do anything over the top? I've been leaning towards doing something as a family and keep the focus on the kids- just a thought.

[gogofo]

Just a little journaling.

The W sent me a text that she wants to get some furniture and couches from the house on Sunday. I will have the kids and she does not want them to be here when she does this. I do not want to be here either.

The message was difficult to read, even though I know she expressed wanting these items before. She originally was going to take them on January 16th and 17th. I know she had what she wanted to take from the house planned out long ago, it is just that now it feels like she is moving towards a more permanent solution.

After the text I have been reading inspirational quotes and telling myself "Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see". I know this is a step she needs to take.

When I picked up the kids I remained strong and stayed positive.

[gogofo]

Another issue is we have a dog that was her Grandfather's that will need to get put down this week. It breaks my heart and it also scares the hell out of me.

Her G-pa lived with her since she was 8 and we got the dog after he died in 2007. He died February 15th, now the dog will be gone during the same time. She told me she was going to put him down and I said that I wanted to be there; he had been our dog also.

She has said, and I know, that it is going to be just like burying her G-pa all over again. I want to be there for her but do not know how to approach it or what it will do to us and our situation.

If our relationship was still strong I would just hold her and let her get all of the pain out. She used to find great comfort in my embrace, she even told me many times during our R.

I am going to baby step it and play it by ear and feel it out, I just really am worried for her and her emotions. Loss always hit her very hard. My instinct will be to ask her how she is doing and ask what I could do for her.

Maybe I need to 180 the asking what I can do and just be there to listen.

Any tips on how to approach this?

[gogofo]

Well I think things may be progressing slowly, but progressing none the less.

We met this morning to fill out passport papers for our youngest and we had a pleasant interaction. I am getting good and the "good neighbor" interaction. We talked about her work and her Dr. classes and I only asked and listened and tried a little empathy.

She left and I left and then she sent me pictures of our youngest eating his donut.

Small victory, but non the less a victory.

[25yearsmlc]

Build on the decent neutral interactions.

In time they can be where you demonstrate that she can relax around you. Then the old friendship you have, and the bonds that only parenting provides, will show thru more too.

her grandfather was your family too, in that he lived with you, right? And so did the dog? Express YOUR emotions for them and don't be robotically there just to support her. But of course, do that as well.

I think a hand on her back, or just being next to her and saying SOMETHING real and genuine about the deceased dog (or the bond the dog had with the grandfather??) makes sense.

My sister and her recently divorced h had to put their dog down. They were both remarried. Their new spouses made themselves scarce and the "original" family of 5 plus the dog, gathered as the vet came over to put her down gently and lovingly.

It was very sad and then my former BIL removed the dog to "handle" that part, and while they were married, I'm not sure he could have done that. It was a moment when they both rose to the occasion and it meant a lot to my sister and the kids and the x BIL I'm sure.

But HIS new wife was so angry at being excluded, that my x bil had to be in a hotel for 2 nights. (See? There is Karma.)

Point is, it was also bittersweet for my sister. I think she felt a lot of familiar feelings rush up.

Whatever happens, be in the moment then. Don't speculate and emote based on something NOT happening. Do you know what I mean?

I'm a lawyer married to an MD who was in med school when our first child was born (I was still in law school and though we were married, our son was NOT planned then. He was about 5 years "premature.")

So I'm familiar with the "arms race" that breaks up marriages. The superwoman syndrome and the "you can have it all (NOW!)" mirage we all bought into, has hurt us a lot.

Slow down. DO THAT. Also you wrote:


I have great hope for us, but don't know if this is just me being unrealistic or not. I am far away from me giving up any time in the near or far future.



When you say you are are far from giving up, the first time I read that I thought you meant you would not give up Work Time...

Yikes, misread on my end. Okay, well, I'm hopeful for you as well. In 2006 I gave our m a 10% chance of success. I've been in dark places before, maritally speaking. Here's a little of what I learned:

Snooping is NOT going to benefit you in ANY WAY at all. That's why it is frowned upon in DR. Please read up on it before you do it, in case someone here keeps telling you to focus on that....

If an A is not an absolute deal breaker, then why bother snooping? I don't get it at all.

I think BECOMING the better choice is what most matters.

reading the book SHE suggests, won't hurt you.

I know It won't feel good, but at least you'll know what HER internal monologue is saying. Do not challenge her choices right now. That only forces her to defend them, which solidifies them. What MUST be decided now, in reality? Usually, not that much.

FYI, my h was out of our house, mostly out, for 2 years. I think that is how long real change takes although I am Not suggesting that everyone needs to be apart that long.

In my h's case, his journey "required" him to get yet another credential and then to live on the tundra, where I think he felt a lot younger than his 50th birthday suggested.

I had to release him to his "task" and let him go. I could not teach him that we were more important than his JOB or a place. Only life could teach him that. And it did.

It's not our job to "teach a lesson" to our spouse, or to "show them the consequences" of their choices. Again, Life does that.

This^^ tip about Not teaching our spouses lessons, was a hard one for me. My DB coach stressed it a lot. I think I wanted, subconsciously, to punish my h and under the ruse of "teaching him" a lesson, I was trying to make him suffer for his choices and then I guess I thought, (subconsciously, that he'd wake up faster).

For me, deciding what was punitive and what was a healthy genuine boundary. were real challenges. But as I embraced them, I got a lot better in my life with ALL my r's. I just did not spend time correcting others.

I DID stand up for myself but I stayed out of other people's sandboxes. I have enough of my own stuff to work on, and do not need to be in my h's sandbox to fix him. Not my job. Never was.

I wish I had spent way way LESS time on wondering why/how my h could do what he was doing, and
more time on ME and OUR KIDS and creating new fulfilling lives for them. It so helped my situation but it took me a year of wondering and obsessing about h, to get into the groove of GAL and Detaching.

I cannot stress to you enough, how important GAL is for you now. We hammer it for a reason; it works. You cannot detach without GAL.

Plus in your situation, you two probably dropped most hobbies and passions in favor of work.

What would it look like for you to take up a passionate hobby? I assume it'd be a major 180, plus you'd meet new people who do NOT know your situation and therefore would not remind you of it.

(I took the kids to Italy for our 25th anniversary b/c I knew H would mention it but not be here for it and I could not spend another anniversary wondering where he was or what he was doing. The trip was the best way to spend money that I didn't have, ever. Nothing reminded me of h and the kids and I had a blast, which proved WE could have fun and be a family even with one parent missing. Military families know this and we were once a military family. IT was a great reminder of this truth however, we are a family no matter where h is).


IMO, you'd be more interesting to her, by doing something brand new or that you always wanted to do. Even if it's only two nights a month, DO IT. You need it and you can afford it if you place a priority on it. You can also involve the kids in SOME of the GAL things....

then, vis a vis your w, You'd bring something to the table other than more responsibilities. Make sense?

[gogofo]

Getting back into my hobbies is something I am starting to do again. I gave them up for work and family, but never minded giving it up for family.

I have been doing pretty good with the GAL and never thought that a 180 could be doing hobbies again.

She even mentioned over different times that I need to get back into the garage and/or do things I enjoy. I think she felt that she had taken my personal life from me, probably because she felt she had lost some of herself too.

I always waited for time to open up to do hobbies but it never happened. Now I realize I need to make time for priorities.

[MrBond]

Did you ever read DR? Some of your actions don't seem to reflect that.

[gogofo]

I have read it, along with other books. I may be mixing and confusing some of the methods from other books with the methods of DR.

I will have to review the book again and the notes I took when reading it.

[sandi2]

I am confused about what to do about Valentine's Day. She flat out told me a couple of weeks ago that she did not want to do V-day or her birthday on the 25th. I think what she meant was that she did not want presents or grand gestures. I keep thinking that if I was emotionally absent that I need to show support on these days.

What is your idea of showing support on Valentine's Day if she has left the M?

By her flat out telling you she did not want "to do" these two days.......you think she is saying "no" but really means "yes"?

Has she told you this in the past, when you were living together? If so, did you honor her request or do what you thought she really meant?

I'm not trying to give you a difficult time about this subject, but you might to well to listen to what she is saying.

If your W has moved out of the home, then she clearly wants away from you. You have a nature that wants to pursue her and try to change her mind/feelings. There was a time for pursuit in your relationship with her, but now is not the time. She wants space from you.....and by not stepping back, she will feel emotional pressured.....not support.

Pursuing does not work on a WAW. The harder you press...the farther away you push her. I realize you don't want to believe it, and you want to think the old way works. It won't work this time. But you can learn a new way.