PM. I think these are good steps for your W, and great that you are staying out of her way.
Here's what I wonder. If and when she finally feels independent, or OK on her own, or whatever it is . . . can you two come back together without her losing that? Is letting her call the shots something you can live with forever?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
PM. I think these are good steps for your W, and great that you are staying out of her way.
Here's what I wonder. If and when she finally feels independent, or OK on her own, or whatever it is . . . can you two come back together without her losing that?
That's what I hope for, and it would be a fresh start on a new R. We don't need another completely codependent marriage - that isn't healthy.
Originally Posted By: melissag
Is letting her call the shots something you can live with forever?
No, that wouldn't be something that would last into perpetuity. We would start a new relationship once she gets "there", and letting her drive the bus is a means of transport (I hope).
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
My W actually told me that she wouldn't move back in to our house. My XW1 and I bought it together like 11 years ago, and W has been gone almost 7 years, but she said she wants something "new and fresh" that would be ours; so I sorta get where your W is coming from with the new start thing.
I even recall thinking that a house was a house, but every woman I mentioned that to completely agreed with W - even the ones who thought her WAS actions were nuts.
It was pretty sobering to read through my old threads again. I do that every once in a while just to gauge where I am now relative to before, to ensure I'm growing and not stuck. And if I'm stuck anywhere, to address those areas.
Right now I'm about where I was in late June, just a few weeks after the D. XW was sending me terribly mixed signals. I was addicted. We were in this middle ground place that didn't work for either of us in terms of healing, but we were both too hooked on the other that we couldn't go through with a clean break - we could say it in a heated moment filled with emotion that had been building, but it was fleeting.
The difference now is I have 7 more months of scars, and I have a better guard up. For some delusional reason I honestly feel like XW is trying to figure out a way to R, and she has to work on herself first, which she is actively doing now.
I almost forgot because they're still boxed up, but I have a slew up self-help books to read. I had been putting them off until after I graduated. Well, time to get to it!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM. You know I read your threads with interest and am rooting for you!
I feel like we see it all over the place on this board - the old M has to be dead and buried in order to start a new R.
Do you think that it will ever be possible to have a NEW M (or R or whatever) with your W, if you never fully detach from each other? Do you think it's possible to have a not-really-clean-not-even-really-break, and still R?
Just before my H dropped his D bomb on me, I was reading a lot of threads (some in piecing) and beginning to think that you really can't expect to continue on with some sort of R during the time you are apart, if you are ever to reconcile. (Because that is exactly what I was trying to do - I thought that H would come around, but in the meantime, we'd still hang out and ML and do family things and all that.)
IOW, do you think it's possible that your inability (on both sides) to break away from one another for even a short period of time is hindering your chances at a real reconciliation?
I have been thinking lately that I am pretty confused about my H and our M these days - I am just so knee deep in all of it that I haven't been able to really figure out whether I would want to R with my H . . . do I only want him bc he rejected me? Would I have ever been happy with him, continuing on the way we were? Is he even capable of fulfilling my emotional needs? Is he really a great person and just acting like a jerk now, or has he always been this way? Etc. I feel like I can give knee jerk responses to these things, but I'm not sure I am capable of formulating a real answer at this point. Because my emotions are still too intertwined with my thoughts.
Just random musings . . . wondering what your thoughts are.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I waited to post thinking I would have answers to your questions. I don't.
Originally Posted By: melissag
Do you think that it will ever be possible to have a NEW M (or R or whatever) with your W, if you never fully detach from each other?
Even though I just read your thread and the saw the dread that comes from hearing/reading these three words: I don't know.
Originally Posted By: melissag
Do you think it's possible to have a not-really-clean-not-even-really-break, and still R?
I don't know.
We were broke for a while; before I ever joined this site we went through periods where there was very little contact and communication was limited and short.
BUT, if I'm being honest I don't think we've had a clean break where we've "been apart" for any significant period of time ( > 1 month). Not since we've been divorced.
Also but, now that I think about it, I don't think there has to be a clean break where both parties are fully detached for a reconciliation to happen. In fact, for MWD, that's the "Last Resort Technique" or even past that. She obviously thinks marriages can be saved with less than that. With 180's, GAL'ing, detaching, without a clean break and separation.
I don't know if that applies to me and my situation, though...we're so far down the road.
Originally Posted By: melissag
IOW, do you think it's possible that your inability (on both sides) to break away from one another for even a short period of time is hindering your chances at a real reconciliation?
I don't kn...maybe.
I can certainly see the benefit of a break away (absence makes the heart grow fonder), but this case is difficult to diagnose because she is so complicated and squirrely. That could be just what we need, or it could be just what pushes one of us out the door forever. Of course, maybe that's indicative...
A mere 8 days ago I went to talk to XW about the boundaries we established that she hadn't been keeping, and I was energized about intentionally pushing through a 4 week period where we stuck to those boundaries to a "T". I acknowledged we would both hurt, we would both miss each other, but since we both agreed that this middle place we were in wasn't working then we should go back to the plan and at least give it a shot. I mean, it's only 4 weeks.
She didn't like that idea, especially because she had just lost a friend that day and said she "just needs a friend". In hindsight, perhaps I should have just said "you have friends - we need to work on this."
Stupid woman I love crying and telling me she's getting hit on. Quit playin' with my emotions, Smokey!
Originally Posted By: melissag
I have been thinking lately that I am pretty confused about my H and our M these days - I am just so knee deep in all of it that I haven't been able to really figure out whether I would want to R with my H . . . do I only want him bc he rejected me? Would I have ever been happy with him, continuing on the way we were? Is he even capable of fulfilling my emotional needs? Is he really a great person and just acting like a jerk now, or has he always been this way? Etc. I feel like I can give knee jerk responses to these things, but I'm not sure I am capable of formulating a real answer at this point. Because my emotions are still too intertwined with my thoughts.
Just random musings . . . wondering what your thoughts are.
I think you should work to get to a place where your emotions aren't so intertwined with your thoughts so you can find the true answers to those questions. They're important.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I think you should work to get to a place where your emotions aren't so intertwined with your thoughts so you can find the true answers to those questions. They're important.
Yes, I know I need to do this.
Do you think you have done this?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
She said that she knows if she opens up to me and we start dating again that she'll be all in, head over heels, 100% in love with me. But she added that she isn't ready for that yet. And she said she isn't interested in anything casual either, so she's just working on taking care of herself.
That was a part of a much larger talk we needed to have. It was about 5am yesterday and lasted 90 minutes.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
