I decided to post back on Newcomers, although, I guess being 6 months in, I'm still relatively "young", and I want to make sure I have people slapping me around a little, and it's very helpful to get the great feedback on here.
Quick recap, most in my sig: - Married 11/10/2013 - W serious depression - Separated 6/10/2013 (she went out of state to stay with her mom for 6 weeks to "pray/fast") - EA - 6/26/2013 (found out started while out of state) - Divorce filed 8/19/2013 - W wants back in 9/1, lasts one day - PA - lasted less than one week 9/15/2013 - Ended PA, but still distant "friends" - W wants back in 10/1, lasts one week - W wants back in "for real", ends A, even friends 10/29/2013 - Divorce dismissed 12/13/2013
Since 12/13/2013, some interesting stuff, to say the least. Struggling a lot with both my two kids and her two kids being adamantly against our R. Two HUGE fights, one on Christmas Eve (after which she ended up texting OM to try to make me jealous, although she apologized for it).
Over the last two weeks especially I have had two fairly significant things happen: 1. I have lost all fear of "losing her", etc; when she gets upset, I just leave and do my thing. At first, I thought this meant that I was losing my interest in her and our relationship, but I've realized I'm a little more confident that she's really not going to leave again.
2. She has been the picture of calm and restraint the last couple of weeks - when for the past three years she has been extremely volatile, even admitting she may need anger management counseling.
3. I've been struggling mightily with feelings of resentment, whether it's fair or not. W sincerely regrets everything; has always taken complete responsibility, even says her actions are not my fault, even if I'm to blame for my share of our marital problems.
Anyway, I read the posts of the folks that have been here awhile, and appreciate their perspective, and I simply don't have it yet, so maybe I need a little more guidance!
Yep. I was separated from 2006-2010, got legally divorced in 2010 - very little contact with XW1 those four years (she was going through multiple affairs).
W only lived with her XH about 6 months of the last four years they were legally married with not much contact.
I always said we got really good at being alone (neither of us dated during that time), just never learned how to have a good relationship maybe!
Since 12/13/2013, some interesting stuff, to say the least. Struggling a lot with both my two kids and her two kids being adamantly against our R.
You've mentioned your kids are against R a number of times but not your step kids. Why would they be against your R with W?
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
I guess, to be honest, S6 loves me. D10 has been told a lot of stuff by W when W was mad at me, so she is nervous. She tends to defend her mom no matter what, as most kids do. Even if W apologizes and says she was wrong, D10 still tends to harbor it. W treated my kids awful the first couple of years, so they have serious trust issues.
I think my biggest struggle right now is apathy. I do love W, and I do believe in marriage. She says she is committed 100%, but if we have any sort of disagreement or argument, W basically retreats to a hole - said hole being in her apartment in her bed behind her phone.
She'll then ignore me for 2-3 days, until she decides to pop back out again. It's miserable. She won't read any book suggestions like 5LL, even after promising to get. She won't schedule counseling. Most recently, I found out that she hadn't blocked OM from texting on her phone like she said she did - she swears it was just a "mistake". I told her it seemed very suspicious, but let it go
I know many people will say, 'Boy I wish my W would say that stuff" - but believe me, this is no fun, literally exhausting.
Jon- i can feel for you on how exhausting this can be. In some ways it's more difficult than the stuff leading up to this. You want to believe but every ounce of self preservation is telling you not to. Everything the least bit off seems suspect. Hang in there man.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
I am sorry to read that your situation is not moving forward in a strong, positive manner. Being 100% committed works when you have goals and strategies that help get the marriage back on track. In order for the relationship to change, the partners have to change. As Michele Weiner-Davis says, "...marriage does not come with a user manual". Call us to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach and learn how to make a change in your marriage. 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
I don't have any advice as I never made it to this stage, just wanted to say it's good to see you're still being strong.
I know it has to be frustrating, but you are controlling the only thing you can, which is you. You're wife is moving at her own pace, but I hope she soon begins get the motivation/inspiration to begin to make the changes she needs to make. Keep doing and showing her your best no matter what though Jon!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
