Unlearning conflict avoidance - 8

[MrBond]

Any word?

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Mr. Bond,

Only one positive thing to report: wife left yet another nameless note asking me to look into getting rid of our wooden sailboat and into getting a poorly closing door stripped of its paint, which irritated me enough to make me text her this:

"Hi XYZ - you seem to have forgotten that I have a name - PQR or IJK will do just fine - I think we can take the door off its hinges and just plane off the offending area - MyNameHere".

I think I detected a slight improvement in her attitude as a result of this.

I am in the States now, for three weeks again.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

A couple of other things:

o I talked to a French friend whose marriage has been bad for years also, nice to connect with him again.
o we had a 30+ person Christmas party, which people seemed to like
o another friend - it is said by dance teacher - is having an affair and looking into moving out of his house

Luke

[MrBond]

In a month that was the only correspondence you had with your W?

You were on the right track and we were just getting to the root of things when you stopped posting. We are going to need a little more details.

[MrBond]

BTW, you sounded pretty passive-aggressive in your text. Like we mentioned before, her not saying your name isn't a big deal. I don't know why you keep insisting it is. I mean she is writing the note to YOU and no one else. Why should she have to put your name on it?

It's not a big deal and it's not rude.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Mr. Bond,

Not being addressed by name for weeks, not having it mentioned when Happy Birthday was sung, etc., being a nonentity in her eyes, bugged me, so for me this was important. I also think it was good to show my annoyance.

Details? My son and I did not go to Italy over Christmas, as my daughter was upset with the idea and wanted him home (said the whole family should have discussed this earlier). He and I did go biking (Sweden had an above freezing Christmas) and did other small things though, so it was okay. The trip was postponed to early April, when he has vacation, and wife/daughter are still in school, so they cannot have objections.

I didn't have the stomach/b***s/courage for any fighting, and so sleep downstairs. This upset me a lot for a few days, but then I got used to it.

The divorce, just 45 days away now if all goes as announced, will hopefully change this, as we then share the kids, and so I will get to see my daughter more.

I spent my time organizing my music collection and now have a fancy audio player and headphones.

Went to a French meetup this morning (I am in the US), am going to a drum circle tonight, and will do a hike with my two bosses and a colleague tomorrow. It was nice to meet a bunch of charming French speakers today.

I am just letting the previously announced divorce come down the tracks at me. Why fight now? There will probably be plenty of potential for that as the year progresses.

Finally, your advice of being with people was good, and I enjoy it, but I still occasionally vacillate and withdraw and feel inadequate.

Enough.

Luke

[MrBond]

"Not being addressed by name for weeks, not having it mentioned when Happy Birthday was sung, etc., being a nonentity in her eyes, bugged me, so for me this was important. I also think it was good to show my annoyance."

It's petty. As a matter of fact, not many couples call each other specifically by name. When you don't have to say the other person's name, it requires a level of intimacy that shows understanding and not disrespect.

"Details? My son and I did not go to Italy over Christmas, as my daughter was upset with the idea and wanted him home (said the whole family should have discussed this earlier)."

And you gave in, of course, just as you do with your W. You don't realize how you continually groom your D to be like your W and your son to be like you.

"He and I did go biking (Sweden had an above freezing Christmas) and did other small things though, so it was okay. The trip was postponed to early April, when he has vacation, and wife/daughter are still in school, so they cannot have objections."

You're teaching him to give in just as you have. Do you really want him to be like you? And your D like your W? Just before your last post, you said your D was treating you with disrespect and you were going to tell her that you will not be treated in such a manner. But you gave in as usual.

"I didn't have the stomach/b***s/courage for any fighting, and so sleep downstairs. This upset me a lot for a few days, but then I got used to it."

Gone back to the same behavior as before. What fighting was there? You still hadn't gotten yourself strong in yourself in order to stand up to your W.

"The divorce, just 45 days away now if all goes as announced, will hopefully change this,"

If you're hoping for that, I can say you will be sadly disappointed. If your W doesn't treat you with respect now, do you honestly think she will do so after she gets a new man in her life? When that happens, you'll be bullied by her, her OM and your D.

"as we then share the kids, and so I will get to see my daughter more."

But by then she may not want to see you.

"I am just letting the previously announced divorce come down the tracks at me. Why fight now? There will probably be plenty of potential for that as the year progresses."

No one said you have to fight FOR a D. You have to start fighting for YOU. Did you actually file or did your W?

"Enough."

No it's not. You don't understand that it will get worse and it will follow through onto the rest of your relationships and your children. It already has just as everyone has warned you and each time you give an excuse for it.

Bottom line is you haven't fought for you.

[Missmygirl]

Luke,

I agree with MrBond. You need to TELL your wife how things are going to be for you. STOP asking permission or caving into pressure. What are you afraid of? That you might lose her? She's gone already! The amazing thing is that you are letting your daughter call the shots, too. Who's the parent here?

You're training your daughter and your son. You need to show them how things really should be. YOU lead. Not your daughter OR your wife. If they want to go a different direction, DONT follow them! You just keep going yours. If you don't step up and lead your family, they will ALL desert you. "Leading" doesn't mean "pleasing".

[LuckyLuke]

Thanks MMG and Mr. B,

I have 5 days left here in the States. Any suggestions on something constructive to do in that time? I've had 1 text message from daughter, Skyped with son, nothing at all from W.

Do I, e.g., write daughter that I'd like to hear from her? I've emailed her a few times, and sent a few photos.

If they have nothing to give me, then I don't have much to give them, though this stinks.

D is not a certainty, due to W's financial situation and her liking where we live. The announced deadline for it is early March, when daughter turns 16.

I have more fun here than in Sweden, and get respect from colleagues at work. Would be nice with some love and affection though too.

This Tuesday marks 10 years of minimal physical contact and no ML, and next week 10 years on DB. I should drink a bottle of tonic water to celebrate.

Luke

[sandi2]

This Tuesday marks 10 years of minimal physical contact and no ML, and next week 10 years on DB. I should drink a bottle of tonic water to celebrate.

I think it would drive me to drink..........but not tonic water. (Just kidding, Luke.)

Your teenage daughter may be giving you the silent treatment b/c this is the model set before her by her mother. Also, she could be very hurt that you chose to make such a huge difference in her Christmas gift and her brother's gift, IDK. But thinking back to when I was 15, I would have been ticked if one of my parents showed that much favoritism to my sibling.

I don't think you deliberately meant to hurt her, and you withdrew the trip once she and her mother voiced their feelings. BTW, how did your son feel after his Christmas gift didn't pan out? I really was hoping you would take 25's excellent suggestion to invite both your children on the trip and tell your D that she could take a friend (which all teenage girls would want to take another girl along). Or maybe if it had not been a gift to one and not the other? Anyway, it is done. My question and concern now is.....did you learn from the experience?

We have asked for an update and wondered how you survived the holidays, but .........

I believe it is hopeless (and I have never told anyone this before) to hang onto the idea you will ever have more in your M with your present W. However, I think we would still try to help you with "life", but I'm not at all sure of what you want or what your goal is anymore. I know what you say is scheduled to happen when your D turns 16, but then you aren't certain b/c W likes where she lives.

I think if you are to have a R with your daughter, you will have to lead it. You cannot afford to wait for the child to make the moves inthe relationship......or you will lose her, Luke. She may be her mother's daughter, but she needs her father in her life. Even if you refuse to do what the board members has urged you to do to reverse the damaging effects her mother is doing to her (teaching her how to be a total bi!ch to men), please do not deprive your child from her daddy. It is vital to a girl's emotional development (as with either gender) that she has a healthy relationship with her dad. If you really love this child, you will overcome or learn to do whatever you need to do to save her. But so far, all I have seen from you is a feeling of awkwardness (according to you), but at what point does it become stubbornness? She may not know any better, but you should.

Teenage girls are usually emotional to one extreme or the other. If you will just TRY to express some sign of love for her, I believe she will respond. It may not be immediate, IDK. I'm sure people here would be very willing to help you word a letter about your feelings for her. Have you ever told her how important she is to you? Have you told her you were sorry if you hurt her over the Christmas trip? I think maybe saying you never meant to hurt her...would be a good start. Then you could go on with how much you love her.

You can't treat her the same cold way you have dealt with your W. Not if you want to have a daughter...and someday be able to see grandchildren. That day will come before you realize how fast the time got away......and you did nothing more to ensure a R with your daughter. It takes more effort than a few non-emotional words of facts and sending a few pictures of places you visit. I think maybe she's not too interested in that part anymore. But she can become interested after she sees you more than some stranger who shows up at her house from time to time.