H has had OW staying with him since right before Christmas (she is in grad school out of state and will be here until next Sat). He didn't tell me she was coming until the day before she was coming (which was 2 days before Christms). He asked me how I wanted to handle her being here and holidays. I told him I would go with what he chose. He decided to come here for Christmas. He had also chosen to come over here on his days with the kids (after me offering in order to spare my children being introduced to OW in this way).
I'm now questioning my offer and realize I'm enabling him to carry on this vR with OW. It is only one more weekend this would occur . Do I just let it go? Do I say something to him about how I'm feeling about enabling? I've already stated my displeasure with his R with OW.
I've also learned H and OW drink almost every night (which H was doing almost nightly prior to and since leaving). Makes me question the nature of thrir R (? MLC...H is 39/OW 24..H working on doctorate/OW in grad school)
I'm also questioning continuing on this whole DB journey despite H possibly thearing my points of making it work, considering the marriage (as stated in above posts.
I said that I knew it would be a work in progress and that it would be like we would need to start dating again and I wouldn't want or expect him to move right in.
Your H is firmly ensconced with OW right now. This isn't the time to try and negotiate the terms of getting back together, it's not even on his radar.
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I told him I'm not ready to give up on us and that I didn't believe he was either.
He's pursuing a relationship with someone else. He'll string you along as his backup plan, but rest assured, he has no intentions of getting back together. As long as you keep telling him you're waiting for him, he'll be content to stay with OW and keep you in reserve in case that doesn't work out. Someone here recently said people appreciate what they have to work for and have no appreciation for what is given to them. That's part of why he has no appreciation for you, you're telling him you're waiting even though he's made no effort at your R at all. You've got to break this pattern, get out of the cheeseless tunnels like we talked about a few posts ago. QUIT telling him you're waiting. QUIT reaching out to him sharing your dreams and such. Make it clear to him that as long as he's with OW, you are done with him and moving on with YOUR life. Pick up new GAL activities. Get busy. Move on. I'm not telling you to quit standing, but I am telling you to quit focusing on him and start to focus on you. Sometimes I just wish that people in sitches like yours would get MAD about it, because when people get mad, they make changes. They do things differently. They quit being a doormat!
I told him I thought his behavior was disgusting and told him he needed to come over and take care of kids because I was going out. He got worried and asked what was wrong with me, he didn't want me to do "something you might regret" and what I was doing. I told him it was no concern of his. I also told him how I knew I was smart,beautiful..etc,etc,etc. I went out to dinner w/ a friend.
After that heated exchange, he asked his mom what was wrong with me and then told her he was thinking of coming back to make it work with me (his mom told me this conversation as I was going out to dinner)????
When I came home, H and his mom were at the house. H had been drinking. H went outside and I went out too. Started discussion w/ H. He said he was hurt by the things I said to him. Started discussing different things. I initiated kissing him ( I know this was a bad choice on my part considering everything-OW,drinking,etc...but as they say...it is what it is). Although he was hesitant, he reciprocated. H said he missed me and being intimated with me and did tell me at one point that he loved me. He also said it wasn't fair to me because he would still be gone in the morning. We kissed a lot and I told him I forgave him and myself for everything and he kept saying he didn't know how I could do this.
I sent H a text the following AM just saying good morning...trying to gage him. He didn't respond.
Several hours later though he texted me that his landlord was moving back and so he would have to find another place to live. I told him sorry and asked if he wanted to talk about last night.
Talked with H and he said he was sorry for the previous night. Said he remembered the action but not the words. I told him what was said. H told me that he could not forgive me or himself for all that has happened and that the things said and done the night before were just "the end of a relationship." I asked H is he thought R with OW would go somewhere. He said he didn't want to speak that out loud and that no matter how he answered it would hurt. My response was "so the answer is no." H did not agree or disagree with this statement.
I told him that I thought as long as there was OW then I needed to stop contact with him. His response was "we will talk later."
I didn't initiate contact with H but he did text me telling me about his student loan coming due. I wanted to say-talk to OW about it- but I just said I was sorry.
H came over the following Sunday (OW still at his house). D8 told him that she thought if he wanted to see them he should move back in with us. H then proceeded to tell them that he had to find another place to live. D8 said then you can move here. H didn't really say anything.Before H left that night, D8 asked again about him moving back and H told her he didn't think so. I told him that he was sending her mixed message by his response to her statements. He said he thought he should "just move back and never tell me how he really feels." He did not expand on that statement and I did not ask.
Final thing was yesterday. Suppose to be H days w/kids. H texts at 11:30 saying that he knew I had plans and that it was an inconvenience but he had to go to airport in couple hours (OW was leaving-FINALLY)and could he get the kids later in the afternoon. I called him and told him that I was sick of him manipulating me and the kids and that I'm sure he knew about this for awhile and that we should just forget about today. H didn't respond right away. I told him it was obvious he had other things going on and that when he was ready to talk he could call me.
I had friends over for dinner. H texted later in afternoon and said he wanted to see kids.I asked them if they wanted to see him. D 14 did but D8 did not (since there were kids her age here). H came to get D14. They came back around 8 and H ended up staying until 10:30 (like he usually does).
I am really not sure where to go from here. I have been thinking about setting boundaries with H (he needs to pick up/drop off the kids, not come in and hangout). I feel like I have kind of said things (not having contact w/H as long as OW). H says he wants us to still be there for each other and support each other. I'm just not sure if this is possible on my end since I still love H.
Any insight/advice? Thanks to anyone who reads my rambling
Yesterday, H also said he sees things I have changed for the better but we would still have the same characteristic we've always had and that we would have to live with our past.
He said that he felt like I was treating him like a possession and that I was "fighting" for him. I asked who I was fighting him for and I asked if OW was "figh" fighting" for him. He replied he has "things" he is dealing with, things he didn't want to share. He said he hasn't talked to anyone about them and that they didnt involve me or the kids.
goto, I hear you. The boundaries are hard. I want to keep things pleasant for my kids. I too feel like I am letting h cake -eat. I make no demands of h. we have no visitation schedule. I too have been at this for 2 years.
I need to detach. I need to listen to what AS says too. really wish I could move on. hugs
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
