H seeing FOW...again

[courageouswife]

Hello everyone! It has been awhile! Cat04 posted about my sitch a few weeks ago... http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2416206&page=1
Hopefully this link works..if not it is titles "the roads we take" in MLC forum.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! I did despite my sitch! H and I had what I consider to be a wonderful NYE. We did not go out but we spent time together, played darts, listened to music, reminisced, danced (which is VERY out of character for H) and ML. Since then, H has been slowly pulling away and as of this morning have an update....H finally BD'd.

H said he wanted to talk to me, that he hasn't been completely honest (yeah, already knew that!). He "says" he has been seeing ow since he came home in 2011. I do not believe this. Last BD, he told me he had been seeing ow for a year and then told me it had only been a couple of months. I think it makes him feel better to say/eases his guilt that it has been longer. But, who knows as he is a very skilled liar...always has been.

"Says" he cares for both of us, knows it is wrong...blah, blah, blah...says he wants to talk to kids...says he will not "disappear" this time as he did the first time...wants to help out with splitting wood etc. Says he is not leaving right away but implied that it was inevitable.

I listened...validated and then I talked! I know, not supposed to but I don't care...it felt like my last act of kindness/love to him...he did not get upset...shed a tear...maybe 2...gave me a hug...I had to go to work after that...again..."says" he knows it is wrong and not fair to any of us....

Told him that I feared for him...that he was running away again instead of figuring out what was making him so unhappy...told him that even though I know he does not believe in counselors that I hoped he would see one someday. Tpld him that I know he fears dying young as he has already outlived both his parents and that I felt he was alive but not really living...that I hoped and prayed he would find happiness within someday. I don't care...it is how I feel...it was said in a gentle and lovng way. I do feel that he is sooo worried about dying young and has been (his mother dies when we were dating and his father died of cancer before I met H)...he got M to his first wife because she was pg and then she had several A's on him until they finally D'd....anyway, he might as well die as he is wasting the life that God has bestowed upon him! I know, not my problem....I also mentioned that when he came home he spoke of how weird OW was...how she lived on sleeping pills and got him to take them, didn't approve of him drinking beer etc. He said that yes, she is hooked on Ambien but that he "chose" to not drink beer but that he could if he wanted to. Also, she is of a pentecostcal faith which is SOOOO opposite of where H is!

At this point, I am not sure where I stand...it seems different this time...don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing....in the beginning, I came to the boards for hope that I could have a restored marriage...now, I am not sure what I am wanting. I do believe and always will believe that H and I were meant to be but the last 12yrs have been a challenge...(H quit his job of 20yrs and had a brief A in 2000...SS graduated highschool and went into the Marines and was sent to Iraq in 2001 for "shock and awe"...H has not been the same since....it seems he is stuck in the tunnel and I fear that he will never emerge.

When the BD happened in 2009, I came to the boards for hope that my M could be restored...not sure what I am looking for now....I know that a lot of you are here for the same reason and that is why I have hesitated to post an update!

I have been advised to set STRONG boundaries (on another board) this time....I just have to decide if I can be at peace with where those boundaries might lead me!

[Lostforwords]

CW.....Sorry you are here again.

I will chime in more later.

[Lostforwords]

CW....How many affairs has he really had?

Honestly.....Strong boundaries are for you at this point. What will you accept and not accept. I would go on the tirade of getting back to DB'ing 101, but it sounds as though you are there pretty good.

When I found out my ex was back on the affair train, I set boundaries for myself and a plan. The plan was a detailed step by step process to rebuild myself while also detailing the steps I had to take before she left/I threw her out. I set boundaries for myself like....no easy money for her, I was not helping with her half of the bills, no ML (I don't need a disease). I set up boundaries for myself that protected me from her game. Strong boundaries for them is quite useless at the point you are at....He has shown multiple times that moral boundaries are of no concern for him.....so why will yours matter?

I also focused a lot on what I wanted out of life....ironically what I found in my case was that at this point in my marriage, my wife was actually holding me back. So what do you want out of life?

Case in point....Since I lost my big management job (and the affairs were revealed...circa 2009) I had a hard time finding consistent employment until 2012. Also in 2009 I was saddled under about $45K in debt. So I decided this was unacceptable and did ever thing in my power to knock this debt down. The ex didn't help.....actually was trying to find ways to spend money (buying stuff to make herself happy). So while she constantly argued with me about not having money, how I was spending money, and how I wasn't making enough money.....I was slowly paying debt down. See, her need to spend to make her happy was actually derailing the goal of paying down debt (it was a joint goal). So I wasn't moving forward on the goal of removing debt stress because she wasn't helping with it....Hence, holding me back. In the end.....she eventually crossed one of my self imposed boundaries (spent $600+ on her boyfriends car and jewelry for him, while telling me I HAD to cover her portion of the bills as she was short) and I threw her out.

Now that is just an example, but it is about the thought process. In a marriage, if you aren't a team moving forward towards better things then something is wrong and you might as well be an individual moving towards better things.

I might not be the best on this as I didn't save my marriage, but the truth is that I saved myself and in the end that is a much BIGGER deal.

[courageouswife]

Hello LFW!!! So good to hear from you..it has been awhile hasn't it! I am glad to see that you are doing well! I have always admired your strength and positive posts!!!

I cannot answer how many A's he has really had...who knows? I only know of the 2.

You are right in that a marriage is about moving forward as a team and yes, my H has been holding us/me back for years. We do a lot of "talk the talk" but we don't walk the walk and that is not all his fault. I've learned that about myself that I will put off my wants/needs for everyone else and if someone is not right there encouraging me to do something I want to do (like piano lessons) then I tend to forget about it!

I started searching for an IC for myself. I think that I need that in order to help set boundaries around me and to build back up my self-esteem which, tbh, has taken quite a beating!!!!

I have a list of things that I have been saying that I am going to do but haven't and I am going to start checking them off, one by one!

I am protecting myself financially...luckily, we did get all our debt paid down although H now has a truck and a motorcycle payment but those are his to worry about. My credit rating took a hit but I am working on building that back up!

I do want to focus on myself and my wants/needs and hopefully I am on my way to doing that!!!

[courageouswife]

I don't see my post from yesterday so must still be in moderation!

Well, H talked to both kids today and was gone when I got home from work. D15 spent the night at a friends last night and he actually went over there to talk to her...really?

Briefly talked with both of them and while they are not happy, they seem to be doing better than I am and I KNEW it was coming! Although, he apparently didn't see fit to let me know that today was the day...

As far as I know, he has not spoken with his oldest S31 (my SS).

So, while I am alone, I am going to cry a LOT and work on my plan for me!!!

[courageouswife]

Made an appointment with an IC today! Hoping she will be able to help me with setting personal boundaries! One more thing to check off my list! I hope that we click!

Visited a new church on Sunday. Was very moved by the service! One of the things I did not follow through with when H left the first time was to join a church and to get baptised. Starting the process of finding a church...

Kids seem to be doing ok...older SS and DIL were informed of H's leaving by text (from him). They have reached out and want me to know that they love me are there for the kids and I and that they will always consider me family!

I really do have many things to be thankful for!!!

[Lostforwords]

CW-

It has been a long time........ I hate that you are back here, but it is what it is.

Good stuff....I really like that you are meeting with your own IC. They are a wonderful tool in discovering what you want from life. As odd as it will sound, I also like that your H addressed what is going on with the kids. I would have preferred that you were present, but it sounds as though the kids expected it. When I threw the EX out I included the kids in that conversation. It might not be the psychologist way of doing things, but it wasn't hidden from them. They also knew it was coming, so it wasn't a hyper-emotional discussion or response from them.

I like to think of marriages like a house. First there is ourselves.....the footing of everything. If we aren't healthy and strong individually....Then we make a poor footing.

Then there is the relationship, or foundation walls. It is upon the individuals that this is built. If the footings aren't strong, than the foundation walls won't be strong.

Finally comes the kids, finances, mortgage, etc....The house. Without the foundation and footings....the house collapses like a pile of stacked cards.

Now, just like a real house, Our priorities become the house, then lower down the list the foundations walls, and finally way, way, way, down the list the footings. The strange part is that we don't realize that if the footings fail the whole house will come down. So it is time to rebuild those footings CW....and you have started to do so splendidly.

[courageouswife]

Thank you LFW! Great analogy!
It feels good to be taking some kind of action!!!

Hope all is well with you!!!

[job]

cw,
I'm sorry you have returned...but I don't think your h was truly baked up before he returned home. In my opinion, based on your first posting, I think your h is cake eating. He's got the best of both worlds and why should he be in any hurry to walk out the door? He's not sure what he wants to do and isn't ready to cut the cord that binds the two of you just yet. Maybe the ow isn't ready to commit to a full time live in. One can only guess at such things until more is revealed.

Yes, it's a bit different this time around because he's taking his time in plotting is course of action. I do hope that you've been checked out by a physician and are okay. You just never know what they pick up and bring home to the spouses, i.e., the gift that keeps on giving.

I'm glad to see that you've scheduled an IC appointment. The IC should be able to help you better understand how to put boundaries into place for you so that you can feel better about you and your situation.

Again, I'm very sorry you are here...but we'll help your sort through stuff and get back on track once again and help you to realize that you are the prize and a valuable person not only here, but in the real world. Keep the focus on you and your children and allow him to twirl in the wind.

[courageouswife]

Hello job! Thank you for your advice! H is gone now...left on Saturday.

Another thing that is different this time around is that H is texting the kids. (last time, in 2010 we did not text.) He has texted both kids everyday asking if truck has started, questions on how to run phone etc. While I am happy that H is keeping in contact with kids, wondering what this change in MLC "venue" means.