One year in but a newbie

[Lifes Twists]

Hi everyone,

I am a newbie here. I have been reading through the forum and decided it was time for me to post.

My life and marriage really started to unravel a year ago. We had our problems and were going to MC and it seemed like everything was going well. On New Years eve a year ago I became really sick. I had high fevers and was delirious for the better part of a week. After the fevers left I was left with sever difficulty breathing. I was in and out of several hospitals. The told me I had everything from a heart attack, enlarged heart, weakened heart stroke, etc. I ened up seeing a lung specialist. He put me on a heavy dose of prednisone. Over the course of two weeks I reacted very badly to the prednisone. Police were called and I found myself in the psychiatric ward. They weaned me off the medications. The head doctor spent some time on the phone with my wife. The doctor decided that she would not release me to my wife and contacted my parents. I was released into their care and had to live at their home. My wife and three daughters would not talk to me. later that week I was served with divorce papers. This was late February. My wife and kids moved out of the house and into a 2 bedroom apartment about a mile down the road.I retained a lawyer and had the first court date. My lawyer rolled over and gave in to her lawyers demands. I not only had to give her a ton of money, but still had to pay on our existing home mortgage. I could not sell the house even if I wanted to as it was going through a rehab and did not have certificate of occupancy on the new addition yet.

I started to do a lot of reading. I got into IC and started to work through things. I got a lot of bad advice from my lawyer and from family. Did more reading.continued to try and reach out to wife and daughters. Did all the wrong things at first and drove them farther away. They called police on me several times for non incidents. The first break through came when the police got tired of getting calls from them. The final time the police stopped over to talk to me first before responding to their call. They then went over and had a long talk with my wife.

During this time, I kept asking my lawyer if wife and I should be working on an agreement or something. He kept telling me that that was what I hired him for. I kept reading books and online and finally figured my lawyer was full of it and useless. I fired him and found another lawyer who supported mediation. Told my new lawyer that I did not believe in divorce, but also had to protect myself from her lawyer.Started to try and get wife to work on an agreement. We met several times and I thought we had one worked out. Her lawyer kept interfering and we got no where. Got notice of second court hearing and got prepared with new lawyer. Her lawyer apparently did not feel that she needed to prepare. My lawyer buried her and I gained ground and wife lost ground. Her lawyer immediately requested a court date. I did not hear much from my wife for a couple weeks. She finally contacted me to see if I had heard anything from the lawyers. I told her that my lawyer had tried to contact her lawyer about an agreement but was getting no where. Turns out wife was extremely frustrated with lawyer and was out of money to pay. We met and agreed to stop the divorce and to live separately for now.The Divorce was stopped around the beginning of October.

I have continued to rebuild my relationship with my daughters. I spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas eve with them and my wife.

Since I found this site and started to read the forum I found that I have made many of the same mistakes and had the same ups and down of the roller coaster I am on. I am in the house alone and working on it to get it finished for probable sale in the spring. My wife and I talk mostly about the kids and their issues right now. I am working on myself and trying to get a life. I have started to follow the rules and hope my wife will see the changes I am working on. I am an engineer and I am used to figuring out how to fix things. I have had to really learn patience and that I can only fix myself.

Thanks for reading my story.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Most of us lose weight after BD.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.
This is the right place to be.
You will get to the right place again.
This part is in YOUR control.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[AnotherStander]

Hello and welcome to the forums! Wow, you've been through some really trying times! I'm curious about this:

Over the course of two weeks I reacted very badly to the prednisone. Police were called and I found myself in the psychiatric ward. They weaned me off the medications. The head doctor spent some time on the phone with my wife. The doctor decided that she would not release me to my wife and contacted my parents.

It sounds like something may have happened here that you glossed over? What was the nature of the bad reaction, did you turn physicially violent? Why could you not be released to your W? I ask because of this:

My wife and three daughters would not talk to me. later that week I was served with divorce papers.

Certainly when people get sick their family supports them, so I'm wondering what happened that you were that sick and yet your W and kids would not even talk to you and then your W suddenly rushes D papers through. Sounds like there was a serious event in there somewhere. I ask because while DB'ing can help you, there may be a much bigger issue here that DB'ing may or may not be able to address.

We met and agreed to stop the divorce and to live separately for now.The Divorce was stopped around the beginning of October.

Good, well that gives you time for DB'ing! Have you read DR yet?

I have continued to rebuild my relationship with my daughters. I spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas eve with them and my wife.

Great, sounds like nice progress. Try not to rush things.

My wife and I talk mostly about the kids and their issues right now. I am working on myself and trying to get a life. I have started to follow the rules and hope my wife will see the changes I am working on.

Good. But don't have expectations regarding your W. Just work on yourself and give her time and space.

[Lifes Twists]

Prednisone is steroid that can affect people differently. I fell in to the group that are affected extremely. I would go from extremely agitated to completely down in the dumps. I would be awake for 3 or 4 days at a time and then maybe get an hour or 2 of sleep. I never threatened or used physical violence. When I was extremely agitated I would wave my arms and such. The reason that I was not released to my wife was the head doctor did not trust that my wife would take care of me or watch out for me. She felt my wife had already checked out.

I did expect my family to support me in my illness. Unfortunately my wife has suffered from depression since she was in her teens. She has been on maximum dose of antidepressants with little to no supervision by the medical profession. I do worry that with her depression that DB'ing will not work.

I believe my wife had been working on my daughters all the time we were in MC. I also think my wife had enlisted the help of her sister to also work on the girls for quite a while and this period of my illness was just the opening that was needed.

I have almost finished reading DR. I am trying to apply what I have read there and the rules as well. Recently I have started to detach and pull back. I was always the one to contact her during the day and see how her day was going. I do find it hard to not do what I have always done during our 20 years of marriage. I have started to see though that it works. She lasts about 3 days at a time and then finds some reason to contact me. I will continue this pattern as well as look for other patterns I can 180. I cannot go total non contact as I have the three girls to be concerned about.

[Lifes Twists]

Does anyone have suggestions on how to handle detachment when there are kids involved? Since my wife moved with the kids to an apartment I have achieved a level of interaction my my children. I end up spending some time with them at the apartment. My wife is present most of the time. How should i interact with my wife during these visits and still be detached?

Thanks

[Lifes Twists]

I have been holding back on contacting my wife via phone, text, or email. The only contact I have initiated over the last few weeks is in regards to the children or financial matters. I find that about every three days she finds some reason the contact me. I answer her question but don't go into anything else or ask any questions of her in regards to herself or our R. Should I read anything into this or not?

[AnotherStander]

I did expect my family to support me in my illness. Unfortunately my wife has suffered from depression since she was in her teens. She has been on maximum dose of antidepressants with little to no supervision by the medical profession. I do worry that with her depression that DB'ing will not work.

A/D's are a big question mark to be sure. I've read many articles that long term A/D use can cause people to lose their love feelings towards their spouse and even their children. Google it and you'll see what I mean. I looked into it because my W has been on A/D's for over 10 years and it may be a contributing factor. Your W is the same age as mine, is she in menopause or perimenopause? Mine is and that too may be a contributing factor.

That said, all you can do is work on you. Make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave. Give your W time and space and let her work through her issues. BD is always because the WAS is unhappy and they want to lay all the blame for their unhappiness on their spouse. When you give them time and space then sometimes they discover that the LBS isn't why they were unhappy after all.

I believe my wife had been working on my daughters all the time we were in MC. I also think my wife had enlisted the help of her sister to also work on the girls for quite a while and this period of my illness was just the opening that was needed.

We call that "mind-reading" and it's really unhealthy. Don't assume anything or try to "fill in the blanks".

Does anyone have suggestions on how to handle detachment when there are kids involved?

Well you definitely want to maintain contact with the kids, and it's important to show your W and your D's what a great dad you are. What is the visitation situation? Do you ever have the D's to yourself? Or is your W requiring that you only see them when she's present? Anyway, at your kids' ages I'm sure they have phones and probably tablets, so if your visitations are limited I would at least try to Skype them with some regularity. You can do that without worrying about how to interact with your W.

How should i interact with my wife during these visits and still be detached?

Take the "friendly neighbor" approach with your W, interact with her like you would a friendly neighbor. Keep all talk light and fluffy. How's work? Man, can you believe this crazy weather? Did you see D17's science project, it's really cool! That kind of stuff.

I answer her question but don't go into anything else or ask any questions of her in regards to herself or our R. Should I read anything into this or not?

No, it's too soon for you to get any positive movement from your W. It takes months, and often a year or more before a WAS starts to turn around. MWD says to allow a month for each year of marriage, that's not scientific but the main idea she's trying to get across is the longer you've been married, the more time it's going to take to resolve the sitch. You and I are about the same age and were married about the same length of time, read my sig to see how long I've been at this DB'ing!

[Lifes Twists]

Hi AS and thanks for the comments. I have done a lot of reading on ADs. I have read a lot on the long term affects and the loosing of love for a spouse and or children. I am sure we would find we have many similar experiences that may be the result of the use of ADs by our spouses. I was already looking at her use of ADS before it all went south and she accused me of having issues with people who have psychological issues. My problem is how little supervision within the medical community there is concerning the use of ADs. The manufacturers of these meds don't even recommend their use beyond 2 years. They also recommend active and ongoing monitoring of the patient at the level of ADs my wife is on. Somehow I don't think once every 2 years for a checkup and issues another prescription constitutes the proper monitoring. I wish you luck and pray that both our wives get the help they need.

In regards to visitation, I have what ever the kids will give me. They are teenagers and at times don't want to be seen with either of us. I did take my 17 and 14 year old skiing this past weekend. I am hoping to take all 3 skiing this coming weekend. I contact my daughters directly and ask them and I don't go through my wife. I expect them to tell her where they are going. I won't ask her permission. I see them a lot at the apartment they are sharing with their mother. I am in the home right now and I feel that they don't want to come here and be reminded about what they have had to give up because of this situation. They have gone from a nice house with their own rooms to a cramped 2 bedroom apartment.

I thank your for your advice. What you have recommended is how I have been handling interaction my wife.

[AnotherStander]

Yeah, I have researched it a lot too and A/D's are scary stuff. They affect each person differently, and the long term consequences are a big unknown. I was on them a few months after going through severe depression post-BD and they helped me immensely, but I couldn't wait to get off of them. My W is scared to get off of them, I talked to her about it but she had an experience where she didn't get her scrip due to an ice storm and she went without a few days and got a little crazy. I tried explaining to her that it was because she quit cold turkey and you have to ween slowly off of them instead, but she would not even talk about it. According to articles out there A/D's are wrecking a lot of families, but the medical community is turning a blind eye to it. It's too big of an industry to mess with.

Anyway, unfortunately that is outside of our control. So we DB- we do 180's on our mistakes, we make ourselves into spouses only a fool would leave, we learn to live with our sitches and make the best of them. And we hope our spouses emerge from the WAS fog some day.

Good, well it sounds like you're doing the right thing regarding your D's. Your W will notice you being a good father and she will respect you for it, so it's win-win because you're building a stronger R with your D's too. Hopefully over time they'll start visiting you more. Your W has probably put a bunch of garbage into their heads about you, the best way you can combat that is to show them the loving father that you really are. Deeds trump words every time, so they WILL see your actions and forget your W's negative comments.

[Lifes Twists]

Yup, I too have talk to W about getting off of them. What she won't accept and the medical community has turned a blind eye to is that after a while the AD has the opposite affect of what is wanted. They tend to cause the person to become more depressed. It is a definite case of the money trumping what is the ethical thing to do.

I agree that actions speak volumes over words. I am learning to think all my responses out before uttering them. I think we all learn to do this to stop ourselves from initiating discussions about the R with our W. Patience and constantly on guard to not slip is my game plan at this point.