oh okay- i probably have to admit this is part of my problem in all this anyway. (the ending it- letting go of "it" "h", etc.
i met this h almost the minute i moved to fla (1975 -) got a new job and had gotten married a few weeks earlier. i was not looking for a darn thing-i didn't know anything about how my new h was anything but great - i didn't fall in love rite then - but i met him, and we appreciated each other personality in a very very casual - office person way - he went back to finish school for a year- didn't have contact- but he did show up a year later- in front of my desk and i realized - there was "something".
it was as dopey and little as that- but i can see how it morphed into what it did- and it all happened outside of me realizing it- wanting it or even thinking about it. it just had a life of it's own.
i just slowly little by little began to think & realize this was a better person for me. for many many reasons- he still is a better person and was a better person..... (it has been alot of great years) (soooo mrs. lincoln, aside from that, how did you like the show?)
so , anyway- if i am at a point of "failure" with him now- idk where the heck it fits into this story- PERHAPS it truly is his mlc- idk honestly- and i'm not givng that airtime anymore- the FIGURING out ...
SOMEHOW- BECAuse it all happened that way soooooo long ago- I am left believing IN THAT other PROCESS. LOVE, magic, fate, good fortune - allll the above.
so kill me- my stinkin cup is still half full - even the days when i feel like total pooh & the party's over...
I am glad to see you are in a "better place" these days. So its not perfect yet? So what! All is a work in progress, yes?
I think AJ appreciated your journalistic approach. There does seem to be a large portion of the scientist/objectivist in you (such as the "oh give me a month and I'll be tip-top) and that is certainly nothing to apologize for! It isn't a common perspective - but it is a valuable one.
I hear you on the anger. It still engulfs me from time to time. H will ask something like, "Where's the salt?" and I instantly envision salting his liver... he'll just go on eating his eggs like he hasn't a concern in the world while I seethe lol. But fortunately it passes quickly now most of the time.
I don't have any answers right now. For anyone. I'm working on that condition not festering in me. Working on living with the unknown. I do realize, have come to realize, that I have always lived with the unknown - I just didn't know it lol. But the illusion of stability has shattered. And with that break the parameters of life as I know it also shattered. So now I'm learning to walk and talk and think and breath all over again. In some ways, to my surprise, its better now than pre bd. And in other ways it bites the big wazoo.
Glad other areas of your life are on the upswing! And your thread title made me laugh
Take care Portia!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Living with the unknown - and being aware I am living with the unknow. That is a good description. Because until BD, I really had no idea I was living with any instability. Up until the time that I KNEW (evidence and all) that Skippy had been involved with someone else and was lying to me, I would have sworn that there was no way on earth he would do that to me.
Makes me wonder if we can truly know anyone.
MizJ, you mentioned that your H was trying on your thread. I don't know that Skippy is trying but he sure has shown up in little ways more frequently. I got a Christmas card (nothing special, came out of a box with a couple of scratch tickets) which said he thinks of me all the time; I got a text at midnight on Christmas Eve/Day, a text on New Year's Day and another text about the weather yesterday. I responded but no response after that.
Apparently, I am in a touch and go phase.
I am trying just to go with the flow right now. Which is hard for me.
For the most part though, I am keeping very busy and am not focussed on him. I do have bad days sometimes, slightly down days but they are more "discontent days" than the stay in bed and never want to come out days of the past.
The funny thing is that I still believe in that wierd connection between us. I don't profess to have any mystical powers but I do seem to have a knack of thinking of someone and making up my mind to contact them only to have them contact me. That is what happened yesterday. I found Skippy on my mind two days ago. I was curious to know when or if I would hear from him again. I guessed probably February. Yesterday morning, he texted. Random, casual and meaningless but still.
Nice thing is that I do not need to make any decisions.
Portia, I could not believe that my H would do this to me as well. Even though he didn稚 have a known OW, I think he was thinking about it and possibly took some interest in somebody. I remembered how you described you SO, that he was shopping for OW for some time. I was doing some thinking recently and remembered some things that bothered me in the past, either in H痴 text messages to women or his behavior. I realized that he was probably shopping too. If not, then definitely looking for some attention.
I know how hard it is sometimes to just go with the flow. It all seems so sloooow. I知 sure I can say that my H has been doing this touch and go for some time. I just stopped giving these short contacts any significance. I think this could be a downside of detaching too much, LOL. But at the end of the day, I知 tired of these crumbs. If H wants anything to do with me, he will have to take a big step. Otherwise, I知 going to continue to move on.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
It's slow for sure- some days (like today) it feels downright hopeless.
i never even thought i was alll that impatient in life.but now wonder how long can we hold on/out in this? it's like the amazing endurance of the human animal- (and why? must be instinct- my brain cannot figure it out at all...
Quote:
Up until the time that I KNEW (evidence and all) that Skippy had been involved with someone else and was lying to me, I would have sworn that there was no way on earth he would do that to me.
i know, me to (soooo me too) . i find myself wondering now if that says something very good about me- or very "bad". either that level of devotion/loyalty/commitment- or self-delusion. can ya tell it's a day when i feel crazy?
as i'm saying this- i'm thinking it's probably fatal if i let myself go there- self doubt & questioning entire past, etc. (that darn brain- it's GOT to be a "man")
Quote:
The funny thing is that I still believe in that wierd connection between us.
deep inside i feel this too - but what if i'm mistaken? i know, how would one EVER REALLY KNOW - HOW WOULD one ever really know another person?
i hate this stuff. the inability to DO anything, really UNDERSTAND anything, etc.
today , well, maybe it's the stupid cold i'm getting putting me in a hopeless ratty mood)
i just feel like you guys and i wonder at our resliience and commitment to even be still standing here , chatting about this stuff , and then as much as i admire both of your reasonableness - i wonder about my self. if i'm just imagining what i'd "like" to be there in my life - and i am too pollyannaish to see "the end" and accept i (once and for all).
i get some crumb of "reinforcement" and (i hate acknowledging this) I am glad, it does make me feel "better" to chat with him. i hate to admit it- he's been the most important person in my life soooo long- i am truly having trouble not feeling anything. i am a bit more detached in general. it is not the "right" thing tho, for us.
i can't figure what is tho, and how to help it along.
saying that out loud- there isn't a thing to do is there but follow his lead? i hate it- and think i'm possibly crazy-
i'd better get out of here and just go get on with my day.
sorry- wish i could fix it for all of us. this having patience stuff stinks like mad....
Portia, about your mystical powers, I really believe what we put out into the universe comes back to us.
Just a thought. Whether you portray positive or negative feelings yields the same. I have never had a bad day when I made up my mind not to. Smile at random people, hold doors open etc.
It just comes back to you. So for h to contact you when you've focused on him doesn't surprise me.
How's skippy' s sense of humour? If it's good, send a silly question joke and what for his reply to give the answer. You might not get a reply but he will see it and remember. He may ask you later on " what the heck was that question?" And you can laugh and explain it was a joke that totally cracked you up.
Now you just have to find one.. And even better, if you can relate it to some event that you guys experienced that was fun or memorable, all the better.
Hi Portia, Been meaning to go back and read your story. Time line, I am with you...2 xmas, 2 new years...
I start reading these posts and get so lost sometimes..I recognize names. I don't post to much. usually don't feel I have any good wisdom to offer, but certainly I appreciate all the people on here who so willingly dig deep and recognize their feelings and thoughts and make good responses... So many wise people here. so many of us in life with this craziness. Never expected to find myself in this place.
I tell myself I should drop that rope. I should be running to my L.but then h will stop by to see kids and I think I see a sadness about him.
I start back to school next week. hope to spend a little more time this weekend reading.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Bea, I know, right? I know I should have no expectations but at least a special card. Hmpf.
KP - I like your version better, too! Setting Skippy on fire - and not the desire kind of fire, the flaming hot hurts like heck fire!! I don't know about mystical powers, but I do believe we all have that "sixth sense".
Do you know it has been a long time (with only one exception) that I have initiated a text with Skippy? Just before the holidays. I have been trying to be low contact - I will respond when he initiates. You did get me thinking that at some point I may need to re-think that but for now, I like this rhythm. At least if he contacts me I know it is because he wants to.
BF, I could not have said it better myself:
Quote:
I know how hard it is sometimes to just go with the flow. It all seems so sloooow. I知 sure I can say that my H has been doing this touch and go for some time. I just stopped giving these short contacts any significance. I think this could be a downside of detaching too much, LOL. But at the end of the day, I知 tired of these crumbs. If H wants anything to do with me, he will have to take a big step. Otherwise, I知 going to continue to move on.
Maybe it's because we never see them? But I feel that if Skippy doesn't up his game a bit, he's going to be that day too late. It is one of the reasons I don't contact him. I refuse to chase him and I no longer trust that isn't what he wants. I have no idea where he is in his crisis. Maybe he is with another woman or back with GF, don't know. I don't want to be sucked back in.
Nero, you're a gem. I think for those of you who have the MLCer still around, it makes it harder to detach. I am pretty even keeled when I get a text from outerspace, I am happy I got it but like BF, I can now recognize it for the touch and go that it is without getting my hopes up. But of course you feel better chatting to him, it is a glimpse of the life and person that you miss. If I don't think too hard, that is how I feel when Skippy contacts me, especially if it sounds like the old him that I knew. The one with the off sense of humour. I get it.
