And I just keep going...

[keep_going]

Dear, dear friends - HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am back and happy to see so many posts from people I have come to care for deeply.

The trip and holidays went by soooo fast...

Before I left I received phone calls and gifts from MIL and three of my SILs. I had been feeling lately like they perhaps were pulling away since OW is now attending family functions, but it was really nice to have them all reach out and show me they still care. I am so lucky!

The trip was a great experience. Amazing for the kids to spend time with all the cousins and connect and good for me as well. I think what I have learned here and thru other sources and reading is helping me see things differently in other R. Like my family...

I realize how dysfunctional some of our family dynamics are and I had to practice (a lot) to set some healthy boundaries. My relatives are all filled with love and good intentions, but want to control and decide things for others. Since I am visiting, they all want to take us places and determine how we spend our time there. I used to just say yes, go along and then become resentful for not doing or saying what I really wanted.
(Hmmm... I wonder who I know like that - lol... It's like I was looking in the mirror!)

At first I failed miserably, falling into old patterns of unhealthy reactions on my part. Yet the difference is that I recognized them right away and was able to change course and establish some boundary-setting actions - sometimes. So I was able to change some interactions and felt good about it. Other times I was able to recognize that people don't change and that it's sometimes better (and easier) to let go when things are not that important.

I am now back and trying to get ready for the new year.
There are many important things going on for me this year.

H and I are looking into schools for next year for D6 and D5. Still at odds as to what we want. I want them to go to private school and am willing to make financial sacrifices for it. H isn't. So since I cannot afford to pay for it all by myself, if we don't get financial aid (I am applying for it), then they will end up in public school.

I am dealing with letting go of that dream. Part of our process in this journey is exactly that. Accepting our reality and how what we thought for our future is not so anymore. Financially I thought that losing our dream home would be the most devastating, but I am finding that it's not so.

Actually the school issue has proven more difficult for me. I went to a private school thru high school in my native country. My experience and learning there opened so many doors for me. I believe that having such a strong foundation is what allowed me to go to a top university in the US (as a foreigner) and what allows me today to have a job and career that lets me support my kids and provide a good life w/o my H's help. So yes, I am partial to private education and it's been hard to let go of that dream for my kids, specially since my H used to share it too, but doesn't anymore. So I am doing everything I can to see if I can get financial aid and if it doesn't work out, I am working on being ok with the outcome. It's been a slow process, but I am getting there.

I also have to do my taxes - first time filing on my own and that will need to bring up some difficult conversations with H, since we will need to negotiate deductions. So invariably it will lead to D negotiations, since this is part of the big picture. Not my choice to bring up any of this, but I have to file taxes early for the school applications.

Nothing has really happened on the D front since H filed on Sept. of 2011. He mentioned to me some months ago that he was waiting because I had asked and because he wanted me to get a job and be financially stable. I guess we are there now, so with the new year I expect him to re-focus on the D again. Apart from the taxes, I am not pro-actively doing anything about the D (I still don't want it). I will wait for him (or his L) to send me his proposal and then I will meet with my L and respond accordingly. In the meantime, I am busy with my life and my kids.

I have to come up with a new financial plan for 2014 and long term. Once I know what happens to the kids' schools, I will be able to make a new budget and make a serious savings plan. I want to make sure I don't become a burden for my kids in my old age and since all our savings and financial plans are gone, I need to start pretty much from scratch. Not ideal at 42, but better late than never. Not worrying too much about it, but I do want to be pro-active.

I also need to look at moving. I love where I live and it's ideal for the kids, but if the kids end up being accepted to private school (with aid), I will need to move to a cheaper place, and if they end up going to public school, I want to move to the other side of town because I like that public school better than the one I am in. So that will also keep me busy in the Spring.

I also need to enroll the girls in swim lessons -they are close to learning and I want to make sure they know by the summer. We live near the ocean and I think it's a life-skill they need to learn. Also looking into t-ball or gymnastics. I will have to figure out logistics - who will take them, since both H and I work. So lots to figure out and see if it's possible. If not, not a big deal.

I am also determined to work on my health. I have a new plan - use my lunch break at work to go on a 1-hr. walk. That is the only time I can realistically exercise. I also need to change my eating habits. I realize diets are not for me and that people who look great and are healthy don't really diet. They just have good eating habits. I have read that it takes 20-30 days to change a bad habit, so I have made a list of the things I need to change and will tackle one at a time; starting with drinking 8 glasses of water a day. That will be habit #1 and I will go from there. We'll see how that works.


So these are my immediate tasks for the new year. Apart from that, I will continue to focus on my personal growth and working on improving myself. I read in someone's thread about making a list. I think I need to get that specific at this point. My list wil still be very, very long - lol...

I hope everyone is having a great beginning of the year. Sorry for the long post. I don't know if I'll ever get better at that so thanks for reading!

[labug]

Are you kidding? I love reading your posts! You sound so great, I'm almost in tears reading this.

YOU inspire me.

[AnotherStander]

KG, sounds like you're doing great and have some excellent plans in place for the New Year Regarding this comment:

"I also need to change my eating habits. I realize diets are not for me and that people who look great and are healthy don't really diet. They just have good eating habits."

My W has always struggled with her weight and has been on many diets. I went on them with her mainly to support her but to lose a few pounds myself. The best diet we ever did wasn't really a diet so much as a retraining of eating habits. I can't for the life of me remember what it was called, I tried Google and couldn't locate it either. But basically you didn't change WHAT you eat, but HOW you eat. Things like always leaving some on the plate to override that instinct to eat everything, and if you have say enchiladas, rice and beans and you normally eat the beans and rice first and save the enchiladas as a "reward" then don't do that. Eat your favorite first, then your 2nd favorite next and as you work down when you get full you won't want to keep eating because you're past your favorite anyway. It also taught to eat slower, because the stomach sends signals to the brain with a delay so if you eat slower you won't overeat as much before your stomach says "enough". You've probably noticed that when you get full you feel REALLY full, that's because we eat too fast. Also your body sends the same signals for hunger and thirst, so in the morning if you feel hungry you're probably really just dehydrated from sleeping overnight. So if you feel hungry in the morning you're supposed to drink 32 oz of water. You'd be surprised at how the hunger pangs go away when you do that. Anyway, it was all kinds of tips like that. We did the diet probably 10 years ago and I still follow many of the high points of it, and I've never felt like I was missing out on anything like you feel on traditional diets. I'll try to figure out what diet it was and post the info here.

[paul19510]

great post! I really learned a lot form reading it. You are doing very well.

[bustingout]

So great to read your update KG! I'm so glad you had us a wonderful time.

My love to you and your family.

[needgrace]

hi KG,

your post made me smile.. so wonderful to hear you sounding so great dear friend… i am always so inspired by you and your journey.. thank you for sharing it.

i especially loved that you were able to use your new self awareness during your trip.. and recognize and appreciate your growth (bc i know you are such a high achiever and can be so so hard on yourself dear friend)

(((((((((((((((KG)))))))))))))))))

[JuneReN]

KG...what a great post!!

Thanks!! About the private school, you're their mom. I know that if you feel the public school is lacking you will make up for that.

As a teacher, it is the parents, the kids, then the school!!

You are awesome

[ces67]

Hey KG! Good luck with the new habits. Its a great way to start (get use to going to the bathroom more often!).

Have fun with swim lessons. I was the last of 3 and missed out on that somehow. Both my kids had lessons and even joined a swim team when they got a little older. Its good knowing they can handle themselves in water (much better than I can).

Enjoy your new year!

[25yearsmlc]

Oh KG

Welcome back! And Happy New Year! Like NG said, it's great hearing how you incorporated your "marital" changes into all of you. Those are real changes! Yay YOU.

The swimming skill, yes it's huge. We bought a house with a pool and had our older kids take lessons and we were always with them. But with our youngest we had a pool and there was a school that specialized in teaching LITTLE kids to swim. Our d was then 3 (there were smaller kids there too, seriously. Like barely walking at all) and we had to hide out of sight and promise not to interfere. Scary, but it works. She is not afraid of water either.

And at the end, they tested the kids by a "surprise fall" into the water (as if someone had pushed them or they had stumbled) and the kids knew to first get to the surface, look for the nearest wall and paddle on over while keeping their heads up. It wasn't about teaching them to swim fast, or the backstroke, but how to float and swim and how to live. Absolutely a life skill. Good for you.

The private schools...I'm 6 of 9, and the first 4 went to private school up to high school and then switched over to the public high school, which had a good reputation and was a lot cheaper, obviously...The rest of us started ad finished in public schools in a good area.

Those who spent their first 8 years in private schools did, I have to say, WORSE than the rest of us. I think they had pent up "recreational" demands when they hit high school maybe or felt so far ahead they got bored??? But their grades were noticeably worse than the younger bunch.

My point is that I think a private school later on, matters more than the lower grades, in most places. BUT...

Let's not borrow problems from tomorrow. You will be an involved mother no matter where they go, for the first several years.

Later on, well, we will get to that, LATER on....

I love your simple achievable healthy goals. I'm a big one for having two bottles of water a day, (32 oz) and I do think it helps me stay healthy and not become a total slob. Also good for the skin!

When my leg heals all the way, I'll be exercising in more "wholistic" ways. So Next time we do a hike at the beach, it won't make us all breathe quite as hard!

KG, you are doing well. Truly.
You are such a strong example of "I am Woman, here me Roar!"

Though I do think Your h will see the tragedy of leaving a woman who no longer has the "issues" he felt were so important that he HAD to go...

I accept that we cannot know what that realization would look like or if it would create any change in his path. His pride, his other actions, might prevent any reversals...even if he does the thinking. You may not want who he might become, as a h either.

But my point is, unlike your h, I don't see you as having any regrets, from this day forward.

And KG, that "Regret Stopping", MATTERS!!

Your kids will know without a doubt that they are your great loves and priorities and that makes such a difference in our lives...knowing our mom's love us.

Abraham Lincoln said that despite deep poverty, and his mother's early death, he felt lucky having a mother and then a step mother who both loved him.

Growing up so poor, so scrappy just to survive, and then learning to read, etc...."ALL of whatever [he] became", he said he "owed to the two women who so made him feel loved."

You give that to your kids. And more.

((( )))

[bustingout]

Happy Birthday KG!! I wish you many many happy returns. My love to you sister.

((((((((()))))))))