Well, anyone that would remember my posts would remember that my H was a horrible MLC person. He basically had a gf for over a year then spent the next two years running around and when I asked him where he was every night he was so vague and would answer my questions with why do you care or why do you want to know. Finally, in Oct he left. I wanted to work it out for so long but I really felt that I couldn't do it anymore. He had no job for over a year, got a job, then lost it two months later. Why?? This was never like him to just lose employment so frequently. Is this MLC???
So, where am I now. He is living in a not so nice area with no job and no money. He has taken money from me and continues to blame me and says he is so much happier now. When he says this it stings so much. He rarely sees the kids. And, from time to time contacts me and asks me if I miss him and tells me he loves me but it doesn't sound even like he means it.
Will it ever get better? Will I ever feel better and happy? I have to move bc I can't afford the house he dumped on me. He hasn't given me a dime. My family contstantly harrass me about getting a D from him but it is so hard even if he is a jerk. Anyone else in a similar situation? Any advice to get through this.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
He has taken money from me and continues to blame me and says he is so much happier now. When he says this it stings so much.
Really Tired? Step back and see this for what it is. You are enabling.
Why does it sting? He says he's happy being broke, living like a street walker? What? Is he on crack? Heroin? Anger?
Why does it sting? I think you're avoiding the truth in this situation. He's angry, lying, and a poor excuse for a human being (at least right now).
Let him go be happy. If you loved him, why would you want to stand in his way of that???
Your family isn't the person to make the decision. You are the one. And you'll make your decision when you're ready to. If I read you right, you're the type to not change your mind once made up. I'm like that.
I hear similar from my ex. My ex is far from destitute, but otherwise very similar in actions. Tells me all the time (I don't even return calls, email, etc) how happy she is. It's a bullying tactic, Tired.
What I learned was that I had to be the one to leave the relationship. Even if she had left/morphed the relationship, I had to be the one to emotionally leave her. She wasn't going to do it. She doesn't know how and she'd lose her favorite target for her anger.
If you love him, let him go. Learn to love you - I think you'll like what you find
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks AJ!! I'm trying to be strong... Really!! I don't know why it stings bc it makes logical sense to everyone but me. I closed all the accounts and any access to money since he took my last paycheck. Christmas time is difficult. He actually took our kids this week which is the only real time he has spent w them all yr. he invited me to spend the holiday at his apt but I refused. This was his decision. He wasn't happy he wanted a new life. I would find it awkward to go to his new apt.
And yes... It takes me a while to actually make a decision but once I make it I stick to it. He is not on drugs but a very angry person.
Oh...and he has suddenly found god. I am not at all against religion but to me it seems hypocritical after all he has and continues to do to myself and the kids. He wouldn't step foot in a house of worship before. It all goes along with the who is this person question mark that always makes me upset.
Thanks for the advice!! I'm still trying to find myself. After 15yrs of marriage I lost myself somewhere. Trying to figure out again how to be happy w me.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Well my h took kids to church even though they raised Jewish. Then they went to dinner w a woman n her kids. My kids were very surprised. So now I'm alone on christmas sitting here crying. I really feel like things will never get easier for me. He has hardly been moved out n I knew he had someone all along so this finally confirms the months of arguing. When does it get easier??? When will I wake up n have my new life?
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
When? That's a great question Tired. But it will happen.
Like I said, you and I are similar in how we do and view things. We are slow to make large decisions, but final when we do.
For people like us, it takes time to process and make the decisions.
I'm at a place now, where I can look at your situation and say you should make the decision sooner. Essentially, to let him go and to choose you. I can look back and see that I should have made that same decision much sooner in my process.
I also decided I was not going to have enough information to understand any of what happened or why and that it wasn't necessary for me to be able to move on.
It was a series of difficult decisions. Looking back, they weren't that difficult - just needed to be made.
I admire that personality in others as well as myself, Tired. But there are times when it doesn't serve you as well as other times.
Raised Jewish and yet attending church services? Confused about something? I was raised in a family where my father was Jewish, my mother was Presbyterian and neither attended services. We did always have a nice Hanukkah bush around for Christmas though
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I can totally relate to how hard it is this time of year. Especially when the kids are gone.
For me the first two years I did something fun for myself, one year I went skiing. Take care of yourself as well as you can afford to. Get a manicure, go to yoga, get out of the house. Make the life you dreamed of having.
I would also imagine that I was I was Jackie O or Angelina Jolie or some other movie star and imagine how they would act if their husband left them. How they would never let the world see how they were devastated.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
AJ..he is Catholic and I'm jewish but we decided long ago the kids would be Jewish and thusfar they have been going to hebrew school and my one son is close to his bar mitzvah. My h never stepped foot in a church in his life. I find it so hypocritical that he ruins our family and lives then finds god. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it goes along with all the other things I no longer recognize about him. I'm all for religion but to change the holiday as it is for my kids, to not have me with them for the holiday and then make them sit in church when its not their religion really annoyed me.
On a less pessimistic not, I went ahead and bit the bullet and filed for Divorce yesterday. I didn't tell H he will figure it out soon enough. I didn't want to start another year sitting around in limboland as I had been for the past two years. He clearly chose a new life that didn't include me so why should I stay in this situation any longer?
Bklynmom...unfortunately I sat home this year alone and wallowed in my own depression. But, I've decided to change things and start the new year fresh with a more positive attitude. I didn't realize how hard the holiday season without my kids would be.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Well, kids came home from dads. He told me he had a job interview on Fri night and they had to leave. Really?? Job interview on a Fri night. Then when I got them he was in jeans and a tshirt. Boys told me H has girls calling left and right and my S12 says his dad is dating all of them and cheating on all of them. Why should a 12 yr old even know this? Kids said H bought a sound machine while they were there and called some woman and said he bought it so she won't hear the snoring anymore. So much for the first big week with their father. I guess I need to get used to this. They also said that he told them he thinks we will reconcile in a few years. This is not the first time he has said this. I really don't know what he thinks. That we are going to stop being married, he will date a few years then come back when he is done running around and my doors will be open? I've already waited in limboland for 2 years.
Today, he showed up in the same clothes as last night and stopped in at 8AM to pick the kids up for breakfast. It seems as if he was coming back from wherever from last night. Ugh...I can't take much more!! I can't wait for the D to go through at this point.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Tired, what you describe is very much in keeping with MLC. Crisis of faith, dating, keeping a fantasy that he'll come home etc. Have you read Cadet's links yet?
I get that you want out. That's a choice only you can make. But it helps to understand a bit more about what's going on so you can detach and keep the emotions in check. The alternative is to keep the anger for a long time - I don't wish that on anyone.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
