KdogGS' Journey Part Trece

[KdogGS]

I would absolutely cherish your responses on how to respond to this email. I do not plan to answer for days. I am pretty much just simmering, please lend me your wisdom folks.

[2stubborn2quit]

I think your response is perfect if you want to end this relationship and be clear about exactly what she can and can't expect from you.

Otherwise, your response is probably going to require some emotional empathy…but that doesn't mean she gets to demand anything you don't owe her.

[ancient warrior]

My attorney will be sending the final decree to your attorney today for review.

I agree with the others. Nothing here to reply to. If you feel you need to acknowledge her spew, then just reply with a friendly thanks for the heads up and Merry Christmas to you

Wow, she is quite the drama queen. She seems to be treading on your good will and sees herself as the victim here. Nothing you can do or say will sway her from seeing you as the big bad wolf taking advantage of little red.

Not to attempt any mind reading of her missle I would say her 'final decree' is likely her version of a settlement offer she thinks is fair. You can spend lots to go back and forth, or let the court decide.

Sorry to see you here. Time to be firm and stand for you.

Wishing you the best and Merry Christmas

[KdogGS]

So I ended up writing back to her-

Dear W,

Thanks for the heads up regarding the paperwork. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas and New Year's.

Respectfully,
H

[Mimi00]

Hope the next few days will be peaceful for you K!

[KdogGS]

Hope the next few days will be peaceful for you K!

Thanks Mimi, you as well! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers as well as the other DB'ers.

[labug]

I thnk what you wrote was just right.

Happy Christmas.

[KdogGS]

I couldn't sleep at all last night, went to the couch at 11:30, "slept" until 3. Awesome. When I don't sleep, I am much more emotional and I tend to get sick. Anyway, enough negativity.

I tried to write out all my thoughts. I am at the point where I have let her try and run things and be the victim long enough. It's not getting me anywhere. I am going to 180 on being so passive to the whole situation. Time for Dobson some tough love for the old WAW. Here's what I have written out- tough love or too much?



"Dear W,

I decided to wait until after Christmas to respond to the issues you raised so that you could enjoy your holiday. Unfortunately, you did not afford me the same opportunity. You sent me this email the day before Christmas Eve and definitely got some good jabs in there. I am trying to come at this from an objective standpoint as possible after my emotions settled down from reading through it initially.

Regarding your surprise at me not being more concerned for your safety, I am perplexed by why you are surprised at that. While I was concerned for your safety, you said right in the email you took care of everything and were safe. You mentioned calling someone else, getting the car towed, etc. You did not reach out to me for help, I think your actions during that crisis speak for themselves much louder than your words after the fact. Also, in this same email where you want me to be concerned for your safety, you tell me you want the divorce finalized in 8 days. Am I supposed to feel guilty that your car broke down? I had nothing to do with whatever happened to the car. It ran fine for me since September 9th when you had to put in a new battery. While I understand the car breaking down leaves you in an less than ideal situation, it is a situation you have chosen. There is also wonderful insurance on the Focus that covers a rental car. I am not sure what you expect of me regarding the car situation. It is your vehicle from when you were 16 years old, therefore it is your responsibility. No one is forcing you to keep the house and refinance it in your name, you are choosing to do that. You weighed options and chose to go that route, even though it may be difficult for you financially.

My tone regarding the house questions was not condescending at all. We have put over $21,000 worth of renovations into the house here. I also put down $18,000 on the first house in El Cajon, in May 2010 before we were even engaged. I asked how any sale of the house here would be a wash after expenses. Even if we sold the house for what we bought it for ($123,000) there would still be between $20k-40k depending on sale price in equity to divide. This would allow both of us to take equity from the house and go buy/rent whatever it is our heart's desire. By you leaving me only retirement accounts, I have no cash down payment to go purchase a home, even though the majority of the equity in the house was a result of my purchase of the home in California.

How did you come to the conclusion that without talking to me, you could just decide on the division of property and right up a final divorce decree? Where was the effective communication you said you wanted to have in your initial hand written letter the night you served me in the driveway? You refused to answer calls or call me back when I left voicemails. You also took days in-between getting back to me. That is not my idea of effective communication.

I hear you saying you worked tirelessly to divide finances, you also did so without any input from me. What if I had decided what was best for you without talking or asking you anything and sent over a final decree for your review the day before Christmas and gave you an arbitrary 7 day deadline to get things finalized? What would your reaction have been? This is definitely not using the rule of both win.

Regarding income potential, we both have the same earning potential. We both have Bachelor Degrees in Liberal Arts. You choose to work at a position that does not pay much because it is what you love to do. You had a job in San Diego that paid more than I make now. Your occupation is a decision you made. Please do not try to put that decision on me or make me feel guilty that you will have to get a second job. You chose that job, you chose to try and keep the house, and you chose to get divorced.

Regarding spousal support, my understanding is you are not eligible for it. Texas law states that -

"Texas law outlines two instances in which the court can award spousal maintenance. It will award alimony when one spouse was convicted of a crime considered an act of family violence either during the time the divorce was pending or within two years of filing. In the second instance, the marriage must have lasted 10 years or longer"

I have not received or read through your proposed settlement yet. But I do ask that prior to Tuesday, December 31st 2013 you return to me the following items that are my sole and separate property that are still at your parents house. Please leave them in the garage. I will have company in town so please do not disturb the occupants of the house. There are additional Christmas cards for you that came to the house as well.

-Wyland Giclee Painting "In the Company of Dolphins" purchased in Feb 2010 and paid off in Jan 2011, you can keep the complimentary print that I gave you as a gift

- Sunset painting with the dock/island I bought at the county fair

- All of my ammunition issued by the BP

Thank you.

Respectfully,
H


Thanks for your thoughts/stopping by, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas Eve/Day!

[KdogGS]

I thnk what you wrote was just right.

Happy Christmas.

Thanks labug! You'll have to rescind that statement when you read through the new "what I want to say" email ; )

Merry Christmas to you too!

[labug]

I would have written something very similar.

Got it out of my system and deleted it.

Here's what I see in your latest email, you're hurting, hurting bad so you want to lash out and hurt her. She fired a salvo with her emotional P/A jabs and now you return fire.

When you really think about, is that what you want? This is how people end up in the long, drawn out back and forth or ending a marriage. The need to have the last word, to trade hurt for hurt, jab for jab.

How do you think this letter is going to help you other than the momentary, fleeting feeling of "I showed her!"?

Emotions come and go, not all of them need be acted on. You probably drank your uncomfortable emotions away for a long time and now, here they are. When I was depressed I didn't feel a lot of emotion. Then as my depression lessened they all came back. It was scary and painful. I had to learn to manage them.

I noticed that I said sit on the other response for 48 hours but you had to send something that day.

If you are hurting and want her to know that, I'd drop the P/A stuff and just say, "I'm hurting so bad, I can't stand it. I want to be an honorable man and act with dignity but right now I'm finding that very difficult. Let's let the attys handle this from here."

And remember D and property settlements are negotiation and that needs to start somewhere.

Enjoy your Christmas with your family. No plotting revenge over the holidays. ((( )))