Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

Does anybody feel this way?

Now that I have moved back home I am much much happier than when I was at my Parents house.

I am doing all things I told myself I was going to do. Cleaning, getting things ready to refurbish the house. All things the W said I never do. I pretty much go about my business and let W do her thing.

I still find myself doing things for her that just get done in the midst of taking care of the house. Shoveling the driveway, washing dishes that she left in the sink etc...

Is it ok to do these things since they are being done along with normal day to day stuff that I need to do anyways?

Might she see this as pressure? Before I moved back in not much cleaning was taking place. Now that I am back and cleaning myself she is not helping me but is cleaning "her stuff" bathroom, kitchen.

I really want to communicate with her but she goes back and forth, 2 days of no talking with me, to a Thank you for shoveling the driveway and small talk about the roads and weather. Then it is back to shutting the bedroom door when I walk past or I am in my bedroom.

I am having a hard time figuring out when to attempt to start a conversation with her or to just let her do all the initiating.

Any help would be appreciated.

[nit84]

Ok I need to ask a question

If my W, who is a WAW, all of the sudden starts to be nicer to me but I know it is because she might be running low on money how do I handle this scenario?

I am doing the best job I can at DB and 180's. I am afraid though if she does start to warm up to me a little it is for the wrong reasons that I wont be able to play it cool even though I get what is happening.

What sorta things can I do that will show her that while I feel for the predicament she is in she chose this and must live with the consequences?

I don't mind being a little standoffish but I don't want to take such a hard stance that it pushes her away either.

I cant ask her to go to counseling or to rekindle the R in light of this issue that would amount to emotional blackmail correct?


Just wondering if anybody else has had this happen to them and how you handled it.

[paul19510]

I would not put conditions on the money. either you are comfortable giving it and that it or you are not. I don't know your whole situation. we are separate but do not have enough resources to separate money yet. so, I haven't had to deal with this yet although, I am starting to think about separating money soon. its been a month.

[nit84]

Well I am comfortable giving it her after all she is my W but I don't want her to think I am ok with the S. I want to work on things in order to reconcile. But I want her to want to come back not just because she is low on money but because she realizes that I always had a plan if we were to become under-employed and that it would always work out because together we could do anything not just money but everything Babies, home remodeling everything.

We have been separated for almost 7 months. I recently, 3 weeks ago, moved back to the marital home because I felt I could handle it plus I was paying half the bills and not living there so it was time. The W is unhappy but oh well.

A little over two weeks after the S my W lost her job and has been unemployed ever since.

We still have joint accounts and she pays the bills after I transfer my share to her. The only thing I worry about is we have a joint Money Market account that I have been putting money in for about 4 years from every paycheck she does not put any into this account. We always used this money for vacations or car emergencies etc. Since there was no vacation this year it has built up quite a lot she knows I plan on using this to fix up the home.

I don't think she would but technically she is entitled to half of it.

Thanks for responding Paul!

[Accuray]

nit84, I would talk to a lawyer. You don't have to do anything with the information you get, but it's good to have it.

If you suspect that W is manipulating you, then decide for yourself what you want to do about that. Your best bet may be to assume the best until you get burned (assuming the consequences aren't too dear). If you get burned, then make a different decision next time.

In terms of letting her know you're not okay with the sitch, I'm sure she knows that.

When you say you don't want her to come back just for money, think that through. Pretend she DID come back and agree to work on the marriage, but that money was her motivation.

You can prepare for that. Think about what YOUR requirements are for her to return to the marriage. It might be attending Retrovaille together, going to MC together, talking to a DB coach together, there's probably a list of things you would want her to do, and behaviors you would want to be a part of your *new* relationship.

If you set up your return requirements right, then it won't really matter what her initial motivation is -- if she takes the first step, she takes the first step. If the help you get is good, she may find the motivation to run the whole program, and then you won't care why she started. Either that or she'll wash out because the money won't be worth the work she has to do. Either way your integrity is intact.

Acc

[nit84]

Acc,

Thanks for your thought!! I am thinking like you are just wasnt sure if it was alright to ask her to do certain things if she needs money. This isnt spending money this is money to pay her share of the bills with. I told her we should split grocery bill but so far she has decided to do that on her own still.


I have consulted a L I believe she has also

[nit84]

I also dont care how she comes back I just want her and would hope she would like to work on marriage realizing that I am the one who has and will continue to take care of her forever.

I want her to realize that no matter what we will get through anythingtogether and I have shown over the last 6 months that I am indeed the man she fell in love with only now I am equipped with a better understanding of what it takes to have a sucessful marriage. I just need the oppurtunity.

[MrBond]

"I also dont care how she comes back I just want her and would hope she would like to work on marriage realizing that I am the one who has and will continue to take care of her forever."

Terrible way to think. Do you really want to be under the control of another person? Shows weakness and not strength.

"I want her to realize that no matter what we will get through anythingtogether and I have shown over the last 6 months that I am indeed the man she fell in love with only now I am equipped with a better understanding of what it takes to have a sucessful marriage. I just need the oppurtunity."

This is what you don't understand. SHE has to also understand how SHE contributed to the M failing. Without that, you can be the best person in the world and she will still find fault based on HER reasons of leaving in the first place.

Don't sell yourself short and turn into a wimp now.

[nit84]

MrBond

Thanks for responding! This is my confusion, I understand that I am not totally to blame for the M failing but don't know how to proceed forward.

If she loses her little bit of income she has I believe she will have to ask me to pay more than my fair share to keep the household running and not ruin my credit or hers. Unless she finds or has found a sugar daddy to give her the money. It is here where it gets murky for me.

Do I say not my problem you are still responsible for it however you get it? This is a pretty hard stance Im not sure I am ready to take.

I don't want to be a wimp about things so is there a middle ground here? Some way to approach things showing her that I will not be walked-on yet I will be there to help?

I have always been the rescuer of the M. My counselors words not mine. Meaning I took what she said about things and then tried to explain why this way or that way would be better than her way. This became an issue obviously because she felt like I thought she wasn't smart enough to figure things out. This is not true but I can see her side of things better now that I have stepped back and looked at our M from a different point of view.

She always waited for me to make the first move on a lot of things. Then she would react sometimes good most times bad. Only thing that I had a hard time budging from is the financial well being of the household. I always discussed things with her but felt like she could care less as long as the bills were paid and there was food on the table.

Not until recently, the day I moved back, did she tell me that she thought I was the one who ran up the credit cards even though things we put on there were for the house or us and she was with me if it wasn't a gift for her. I never bought anything for myself without talking to her first and honestly I bought for myself maybe a handful of times.

I know she needs to own up to her part in the M failing. Does something need to happen in order to make her think about what part she played? She told me that since she had no job all she did was think about what went wrong. I think she sat and thought about all she thought I did wrong.

I know She has to be her own person. But it is frustrating to me because I truly didn't think of it as rescuing, I thought it is what a husband does for his wife and future family.

I know she waits for me to act because of another thing she said the day I moved back. I blurted out that I had a L after she said I was forcing her to get a L. I don't have one but did consult one about 4 months back. She said "If you have a L why don't you file for D". I looked at her and said "YOU are the one who walked away it is your option to file not mine." She then proceeded to say "it is a lot work to do that and I have no money. She said "I should have filed way back at the beginning of the S." I asked why she didn't and got no response.

Is there something I can do or not do to help her start think about her part in this mess?

[MrBond]

'I don't want to be a wimp about things so is there a middle ground here? Some way to approach things showing her that I will not be walked-on yet I will be there to help?"

Stop with the wanting to help her. Just from what you said SHOWS you are a rescuer. I'm surprised you seemed surprised your C told you that. Leave her be. What you're going through isn't close to someone being walked on. There are many others here who are being treated worse.

"I know she needs to own up to her part in the M failing."

No she doesn't. She may never do this. Stop trying to control what YOU think she NEEDS to do. The only person you can control is you.

"I know She has to be her own person. But it is frustrating to me because I truly didn't think of it as rescuing, I thought it is what a husband does for his wife and future family."

There is nothing wrong with helping your spouse. Stop making it sound like it's a bad thing. The problem is that your W is blaming that as a reason she's not "independent". That's her self-talk. Just stop saving her.

"I know she waits for me to act because of another thing she said the day I moved back."

Mindreading. Most WAS's say that. They aren't usually the ones to initiate any action. They just want out of what they perceive is a bad situation.

"Is there something I can do or not do to help her start think about her part in this mess?"

It's comments like this that make me wonder if you actually read DB or DR. Have you?