Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

[wnycindy]

We've been married 8.5 years. We married at 40. His first , my second. I have a daughter who was 9 when we married and is now 17, just starting college.

Soon after marrying, I discovered my husband had been cheating on me before the wedding after . Having drastically changed my own and my daughters life to marry him...I really wanted to believe him when he showed me remorse. The infidelity didn't stop. It consisted of meeting people on line for hookups to texting relationships with old girl friends to strangers. He was a serial cheater. We attended counseling briefly during our third year of marriage. He hated it and it didn't move us forward.

During this time, in fact right after the first discovery the first few months of the marriage...it broke me. I felt unloved and duped. I loved him so much it broke my heart.
I reacted by not participating as a financial partner in the marriage.Each time he cheated he blamed me, saying it was because of financial stress. I worked but felt my money was mine and the bills etc were his to deal with. I was angry and disillusioned and often wondered why he married me. I knew he truly loved me and otherwise is actually a good and decent man. I began exposing his infidelities and speaking to his affair partners myself, they didn't usually know he was married. Creating these consequences eventually I believe stopped his cheating.

But other things happened as well. First, I was constantly suspicious. Which degraded me and emasculated him. Next, I continued to not be a financial partner in the marriage even though he told me many times that I needed to change this. Finally, he withdrew sexually and we have not had intimacy in over a year. It had been dwindling and i had reason to believe there was some ED involved. He continued to be affectionate and loving, we did things together and as a family, and travelled extensively and internationally.

Other than his complaints about my not earning more money, I have never had any part in our finances, bills, or decisions. Im not a big spender or shopper, thts more his thing. During the past non intimate years I began drinking more. Not more often, just getting drunk when I did. I also started anti depressants.
My husband is a dominant old school kind of man. I can deal with it, he isn't volatile just annoying. But he and my daughter never really bonded and it has been a real problem. She is actually a good kid too.

He is a politician and this past Nov. 5th, lost for the first time. Although it is not his main job, it would have substantially increased our income. The campaign started last April, right after a family trip to Paris. He was completely immersed, as was I. As it went on, he became distant and tense. Like a different person. He was driven and we all knew winning was truly a long shot. He lost.

I had truly been hoping that win or lose after this election we could start to get our relationship back. We had a blow out Nov. 9th and I told him I couldn't go on being roommates. I know that my reference to our sexless marriage offended him as a man. He told me I had ruined him financially and that he was divorcing me.
I begged and pleaded. He said he had warned me for years and now it was too late, he doesn't love me anymore.

Since then. I came here right away, read DR , and have implemented the 180 as best I can. I have begun hot yoga, am running , and going to church and praying. These are all new for me and have saved my sanity but so far have had no response from him.

I have fluctuated these past weeks between wishing I could fix everything and wanting to run away from him.

Ive prayed for a path. And saving the marriage is the one I feel is best for both of us. I think it's right. I want to change myself, repair the relationship, and then help him.

He is firm on getting divorced. I am nearly 50, with a daughter entering college, and don't even have a credit card in my own name. He says i can stay as long as a year if i have to. So, I saw an attorney. In going through what financials I could find, I believe he spent much much more of his own money and went into debt on this last campaign.

So, we have all the ingredients here. A MLC, a loss, resentment.

We are living in the same house, I am not home much, and he stays in his den. We sleep in the same bed, backs to each other. Cordial , brief conversations.

[labug]

I'm so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. That's a lot to go through.

It would seem your H has issues that have nothing to do with you or being married to you. Would you agree?

You can't repair the R, at least not alone.

How would you help him? Has he asked for help?

Why do you think saving the M is your best path?

I like what you're doing for you. Keep it up.

Please don't take this as a brush-off or that you should give up but you have along road ahead of you. You should be clear on your goals and the work that this might take.

[wnycindy]

I know that it must seem impossible or even wrong to forgive a serial cheater.
But like you said, I knew his cheating had nothing to do with ME personally.

I regret that I spent so much time and energy just spinning my wheels , being angry, resentful, and depressed . I should have been oming on or forward in some other way, because that wasn't working.

I'm not sure when but I actually do believe the cheating stopped. Probably for a mixture of reasons. Consequences, guilt, and possibly ED.

I realized awhile ago that for all of his bravado and highprofile positions...he is a very insecure man, in constant need of validation. I also realized only recently that ...

He has always apologized to myself and my daughter, for transgressions big and small by buying us things. So, that shows me that although stuff and money isn't part of love for me, it is for him. And I didn't give him that.

Anyway, I'm not a doormat but I could have forgiven him. I chose not to. And actually, it just became a habit.

I am no walk in the park. I need a lot of self improvement. I asked God years ago to send me a partner. Not a perfect partner, but MY partner. And He did. And it's this man. When we were good, we were very special.

I'm not positive about anything in life right now. I am stepping to the plate. I need to be independent and I also need to share his financial burden, however it was caused.

I love him deeply.

[labug]

I think the emotions you express are pretty normal in the situation.

It's not that it's impossible or wrong to forgive him, but until he wants to change, he won't.

So how can you protect you?

Let him figure out his stuff and you work on that whole "lot of self improvement" you need.

Let some time pass, see what happens.

[wnycindy]

He is depressed. He has been distant for some time and he has said it was his way of preparing for divorce. Im sure that's true, but he has also cried to me, just two days ago, and said he is ashamed of what he has done and feels horrible for what he is doing to me.

I'll be ok. I'm a survivor. I'm strong enough.

[wnycindy]

To protect myself, I've been interviewing for new jobs and one is looking very good. If we divorce, he will probably have to sell the house because I am entitled to part of the value of the house, part of his retirement, and will likely receive four years of maintenance .

I'm also taking a class toward finishing up a degree I never got. I'm surrounding myself with supportive people and just...sort of preparing for anything.

I hate to see him sad. And I really don't want to leave him in a financial mess either. But I will protect myself and my daughter. No question.

I'm getting a Christmas tree tomorrow . I'm preparing my daughter for college, getting the money to pay for it. I'm spending one night every weekend away.

Ive stopped talking at all about the future. He found out I saw an attorney which really seemed to piss him off. He had been thinking we could negotiate it ourselves via a mediator. But how could I do that when I don't even know what we own, what we owe, or where it is ? I needed a lawyer.

It upset him, but as far as I'm concerned for me, it's part of the 180. Totally different than business as usual.

I'm ready to drive the car , I think he can't right now. I'll get three jobs if I have to.

[Positivespin]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!

Almost every politician ive met (alot), locally and nationally, including myself are very insecure and seek validation from others. While winning elections is euphoric- losing is devastating to the ego(its a ugly business). He is looking for something, anything to make him feel like a worthy man right now. He needs a ego "fix"

You sound like a very strong person. Step back, I hope he realizes he needs help soon. Im glad you got the attorney - he needs many more wake up calls.....

Im out of office Jan 8

I look forward to reading more of this thread STAY STRONG!

[parawife3]

Cannot imagine how it feels to hear those words.
I've said them to H and at that point I really didn't. We're heading for the healing path but I know it's not the path for everyone.
Stay strong. Hoping there is a rainbow on the horizon.

[wnycindy]

Thank you! I appreciate any feedback. And you're right, some professions simply require people who have a need for validation. It drives them and curses them.

For all I know, he has been in MLC since I met him, staving it off by winning elections. I do think he is depressed. I do know he was having some problems and using Viagra prior to us stopping sex. I know that he will not discuss it in anyway.

Things just got so distant on both of our parts when the intimacy stopped.
I also know he ended a relationship like this before, by withholding sex for a long time.

I have another job interview Wednesday .

[3boymom]

I am sorry that you fiund yourself here but wanted to tell you that you are doing a great job given the situation. You are focusing in yourself and your D. Although my H is not a politician, h needs constant validation to boost his ego. The OW provided the constant validation he needed. When I asked to spend more time with the family he would just mention what he bought us. The kids and I did not care about things and just wanted his time. It makes me so sad to see him looking for validation in all the wrong places. I really think that under their fake smiles, they are really insecure and quite lonely.

Good luck with the job interview. Keep posting because you will find a lot of great support here.