Bright, I would thank him for sending you the updated company file and leave it at that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, job. Your advice is always clear and to the point.
Job, I’ve read your post to Ambivalent thread where you said that it was clear to you that her H was gradually cutting the ties. I’m curious what you think about my sitch. My H did all these things (communication only by text and e-mail, mostly, separate banking accounts, living in another part of the country or vacation home, etc.) and even discussed the D. I’m absolutely sure that he wanted to end the M. But this is where I get confused. Why is he still maintaining some of the ties though? Why he hasn’t filed? Why he allows me to maintain the business and do things for him? Why he keeps some of his mail coming to my house? Is it just the cake eating? He would proud himself to not take advantage of anybody and especially me. He is one of these people who makes a decision and sticks to it. At least originally and for a period of time.
In March, when I went to our vacation home thinking that I would just stay in another room while he was there, he moved out. He explained it to our friends that he didn’t want to give me a false hope and he didn’t want to hurt me. I was actually surprised that he thought I was coming with the purpose of R talk or something like that, because I didn’t have any agenda with him. At the same time he didn’t remove any of my stuff from the master bedroom up there. Everything stayed intact when I came over after he left for work. Sometimes I think that he is the biggest coward, just trying to pretend that he is strong and decisive.
I guess I’m just getting to the point when I’m not sure what I’m doing any more and why.
I kind of have this feeling that H might try to arrange something with the family during holidays. I wish he would just stay where he is and not stir the pot. I think I’m not ready for any kind of changes at this point, good or bad. No, I didn’t say it correctly. I’m prepared for the bad, but I just don’t want any changes. I need more time to go through my part of the journey, so I could be absolutely sure whether I want him to still be part of my family traditions or not.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, Generally mlcers will begin to cut the ties or distance themselves from their spouses, children, pets, etc. Your spouse is using email and text because it's less personal and e doesn't have to hear your voice and how it may sound to him, nor does he have to see you and be reminded of what he's done.
As for separate banking accounts and even moving out of the home and/or moving away is very typical of the mlcer. They want to have their freedom and not have to account to their loved one as to what they are doing, w/whom or what they are doing w/their money. In other words...no questions or spying on them, per se.
In some instances, if the boat isn't rocked or the lbs doesn't question or put demands on them, the mlcer will continue to have the mail come to the your house and in your situation, he's still looking for you to maintain the business. He knows that you'll make sure the business runs efficiently while he's out playing Robin Hood. Why do they do these things? Well, they are ties to their former lives and they do not want to cut all of their ties. They need excuses to touch base w/us and what better way than to have the mail come to our homes so that they have some type of contact at some point. They need to have a past of some sort and as long as they know that they have some ties, whatever they may be, they know you will be right where they left you. But, at some point, the lbs will move and that's when the contact may increase, but each situation is different.
Why doesn't he file? Some are in a hurry to file and get divorced, others drag their feet until the lbs files and then, there are those who say they want a divorce and never file. Your h may feel comfortable in the no file zone and may never file and will float around earth for a while and may return at some point. He may one of those that is hoping that you'll get frustrated enough to file so that he doesn't look like the bad guy. There really is no way for me to tell you exactly why he hasn't filed. He's the only one that can tell you that and I seriously doubt that he can give you an answer right.
If you aren't sure about what you are doing and why, then you don't do anything. You sit quietly, remain calm and the answers will come. When you try to make things happen or put your entire focus on something, the final outcome will not always be what you want. Patience and more patience is what you need now. Stay positive and have faith in yourself and your h.
Don't allow the holidays to mess w/your head and make you question yourself too much. Nothing needs to be decided now as he has given you no indication that he has filed. Leave the door ajar and continue on your merry way. Life is far too short to worry too much about the future.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thanks so much for taking time and giving me the feedback. And thank you for reminding me about the patience and for sitting quite when unsure what to do. Your post gave me so much needed lift. Sometimes I feel like a blind kitten that starts going all over the place in order to find its path. It helps when someone steers you in the right direction again.
You might be right that he is not filing because he wants me to do it. And this is where it is not like him, he always took responsibility for his actions. I just don’t understand his actions anymore. Heck, he even mentioned in our last phone conversations that we will see if we can file the joint tax return. What????? It could be just about saving money though.
He was using our joint back account until May and reporting to me when he used his debit card, so I could record it in a register. I never objected and always thanked him for letting me know. He decided to use his own account (which he already had) after he initiated the D talk. And even then, the statements are still coming to my house. I don’t open them anymore and send them with his mail. I still have access to his account online because it is linked to our joint accounts, so I could see everything that is going on. I don’t think he realizes it though. I know, not a good thing to do. No snooping.
I really need to take your advice to heart, to have faith and continue with my life, while waiting for the answers to unfold.
Thanks for the support.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Job that post has given me a good reminder about sitting quietly and not trying to force an outcome. I need to keep remembering that. Thank you
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Bright, Your h is a very confused, hurt and angry man. He really doesn't know what he wants and he lashes out when he doesn't get his way. Very much like a toddler having a temper tantrum. I also want to point out that he is the mirror image of the man you know and love. He's not going to be the same, but will be doing the exact opposite in many instances. It's important that you try to accept him for who he is today and not who he was a year ago.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
bright and busting, life is too short right?? worrying doesn't solve anything.. what can we do good today?
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
He really doesn't know what he wants and he lashes out when he doesn't get his way.
Job, what did you mean by this? The lashing out part? So far he has not been nasty. He is rude and not polite sometimes, but he doesn’t spew. He doesn’t even show his anger in person or over the phone.
There are only a couple of things that he done in opposite to what was like before. And it seems like it only when he interacts with me. Not being polite and not saying thank you for things I did for him, and another thing is not taking an action after he said he was done, in other words evading the responsibility. Other than that, I don’t see any opposites in his behavior or actions. I can accept him for who he is today, but I will not like it if these types of behavior will become a norm for him.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, You are fortunate that he doesn't lash out because some do. He is "lashing" out in his own way, i.e., not being polite, being rude. As for not taking responsibility after he said he was done, that is very typical of mlcers.
Not all mlcers display the typical behavior because it depends upon the mlcer, their issues, and personality. You might be one of the lucky ones in the fact that your h hasn't acted out or displayed some of the "usual" quirks of mlc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, job. Yes, I could almost tell when H was “lashing out” or not being in a good mood, when he sends the e-mails or texts without addressing me and not signing his name. I could be completely wrong on his motives, but the one thing I know is that he has not been consistent in his behavior. Well, recently I’ve been getting more friendly e-mails and texts.
I know that I’m lucky that he is a nicer MLCer, but it is also so confusing. It makes me doubt that he is in MLC, when everything looks normal.
I’ve been thinking about what kind of life he’s been having since BD. He has no permanent home and address and uses my address for his mail. Then he relies on me to forward his mail to him. He’s been living in another state. First, he stayed in his camper to save the money, and then started renting a room in his friend’s house, or staying at the hotels when he has remote jobs. He cannot live in the vacation home full time because he needs to make money and there is no way to do it over there. A lot of his stuff and clothes are still in my house. His car is parked here, but when he comes to the city he stays with his brother. Last year I thought that he would be moving his stuff to his brother’s house, because his brother is single and has 3 bedrooms. Well, last year when his brother found out that we were separated, he said that he didn’t want anything to do with H’s mail and him permanently staying at his place. So, it might explain it.
H’s car has lots of miles on it and he was due for a new one before the BD. I don’t think he can afford a new car now, maybe a used one. As far as I know he hasn’t been spending much money, so there is no new clothing for him. He most likely cannot not afford to go on vacation anymore (he loves to travel and we did a lot of it together.)
So, is this the life he wanted so badly? Or, was the M so bad for him that he gave it up in order to have this life?
Interesting thing is that he hopes to find his “harmonious” relationship with all that. What does he have to offer? His hope was to find a companion who would “one of the boys” and could hang around in every bar with him. At the same time, she should have an education and do no nagging and not be jealous. She should live with him wherever he travels and come with him to the vacation home. Oh, and I forgot to mention that he also wants to come to my family holidays at the same time.
And this has been going on for 18 months. I’m thinking that he should be tired of this life already, but I could be very wrong and might like it forever.
Some small update. Yesterday I went to my sister’s house for dinner and my BIL (her H) told me that he received a text from my H about some soccer qualifiers. H and my sister’s H are both soccer fans. My BIL mentioned to me that he gets texts from H once in a while. BIL made a comment that it looks like H wants to keep the contact and remind about himself sometimes.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
