Sage, Sorry I haven't been by your thread in a while. Actually, I must apologize to all my bb buddies for my absence. I've been having a lot of trouble with my computers. In addition, my schedule has been relentlessly intense. All the same, you, as well as others, remain close to my heart and cross my thoughts often.
Slowly, I hope that you, along with others, will take comfort and encouragement from my journey. The principles that Michelle has laid out, have proven sound and reliable so far, for me.
I continue to exercise those principles as they have become second nature to me. I can't imagine where I'd be right now without them.
Although my M is not perfect, it definitely feels better than it did all those years prior to the "bomb". I'm not worried about it "being perfect" as that seems like an unrealistic goal and sets up a perpetual state of dissatisfaction. Mostly, I'm working on me - trying to recover my health, both mental and physical.
I'm gradually finding my voice again and stepping over some of those lines we have to create in order to work the DB principles.
I'm gradually working my way through the suffocating memories of last year and coming to terms with them.
And, I'm VERY gradually giving my H, step-by-step, handfuls of trust.
”just wondering what sort of things hold you back these days with H.”
I'd have to say - * the lingering impact of last years events, * questions yet unanswered, * the unpleasant realization of the negative things my H is capable of doing. (Of course, there is nothing new in that, just my awareness of it), * more time is needed in order to tip the scales of my fears, and develop more fully, a sense of confidence in myself.
The time line on all of this is deceptive. In some ways, it seems that the whole process is remarkably slow. Yet, in review, it seems like so much has happened (of the positive kind) over a relatively short period of time. I suppose it has a lot to do with perspective and state of emotion at any given moment.
Quote: I'd have to say - * the lingering impact of last years events, * questions yet unanswered, * the unpleasant realization of the negative things my H is capable of doing. (Of course, there is nothing new in that, just my awareness of it), * more time is needed in order to tip the scales of my fears, and develop more fully, a sense of confidence in myself.
Yes!
Quote: The time line on all of this is deceptive. In some ways, it seems that the whole process is remarkably slow. Yet, in review, it seems like so much has happened (of the positive kind) over a relatively short period of time. I suppose it has a lot to do with perspective and state of emotion at any given moment.
Yes again! We share the same "day that will live forever in infamy". When I stop to think of where each of us was emotionally, and the state of our M's just a year ago... It's amazing isn't it? It seemed like every bit of progress was agonizingly slow at the time.
Glad to hear from you Jeannine ... yes you are missed around here.
Glad that you are steady progress on building upon the solid foundation you have set up. Don't fret to much about your list there. These are par for the course (even when taking into account some of your past year experiences were more intense that most) and I know you have the strokes that will get you onto the greens. (Huh! Gee not to bad for a guy that has never played a game of golf even once.)
Quote: Mostly, I'm working on me - trying to recover my health, both mental and physical.
Making improvements I hope? Keeping your weight up in the triple digit ... yes?
Hi Jeannine! Welcome back...it's so good to see you again!
I haven't been a regular poster but I have come here many times for inspiration and guidance and mostly piece of mind.
It has been quite a year for all....can't believe August will be one year for me. Do keep your focus on your health and happiness. Try not to let any thoughts or concerns for your M be distracted by any of H work situation. KAW is so right you have been building an amazing foundation. Hugs, Trish ( Cycler 28)
It’s been a very long time since I poked my head through these doors.
My time is sucked up by the 'duty sponge' around here, plus I’ve become increasingly resistant to anything that will cause me to turn around and look back into last year. For me... it’s like peering into the “killing ground”...
Nevertheless, I wouldn’t feel comfortable disappearing on my bb buddies without a trace... So now that my husband is off vacationing in Alaska with his sister for the week, I'm going to use this opportunity to say ... “Hello”.
First things first.
I’m up to 108lbs now. YEA! My hair is no longer coming out by the handfuls, YEA, YEA! I have a lot more grey hair now. Ah... No "Yea" there. And... I only experience anxiety and panic attacks on rare occasions now. Happy about that I am!!!
Emotionally, I’ve leveled off a bit more and actually find myself intensely caught up with making plans for the future. My husband and I have recently purchased a parcel of land in the country and are looking forward to digging in and settling down on our earth-friendly homestead...that is, after my caregiving duties are completed here, naturally.
We’re socking away every dime we can spare in order to start building, that is, after robbing the equity out of our “Parkside” property in order to purchase our land. I look forward to selling that haunted house (Parkside) and all it's spooks, as soon as possible.
My marriage appears to be on-track now, even though my husband still grapples with bouts of depression from time to time. Luckily, it's not as often nor as severe as in the past.
For myself, I continue to rendezvous with certain memories, and periodically I feel the need to purge a batch of residual rage. Fortunately, I've been too busy to dwell in that contorted dimension long enough to cause any real damage.
I’m gradually learning to maintain a thin but effective wall of detachment, which in turn, is creating a comfort zone for the both of us.
I miss you! With this 1 year anniversary and all the posts you made to me over the night D told me he was leaving I have been thinking of you a lot and hoping you are doing well.
We didn't get to have a party when you went over 100! Congratulations
I am glad things are going so well. Take care of yourself.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Thanks for dropping by. I wasn't too sure that anybody would have anything to say to me after my long hiatus.
DFB - I'm unable to scope through everyones threads anymore, so, I hope you'll let me know how things are going for you, that is, when you get a chance. Are you going to the Florida party this year? I'm not sure whether I'll be able to get away from here or not, (still caregiving my Mom and her husband) but I'd like to.
Pam - Gads! That's right, it's been a year now. Been one heck of a ride, eh darlin? I've thought about you often over the past few months. I'm hoping that you're finding your way back on to level ground.
I should be able to chew some fat for a little until my husband returns from Alaska on Tuesday. After that, it's not likely that I'll be a regular around here anymore. Sniffle...sniffle. But, I intend to drop in from time to time to say "Hi"!
This is the community that supported and buffered me through some of the worst days of my life. This is where I go when I need friends. The very best of friends.
So, I can't exactly get up and leave altogether... right?
While I'm on the topic, who all HAS left the board?
Please keep us posted!!!
That's right, it's been a year now.
The very best of friends. 