Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

This could be awkward situation. What if My W who is a WAW actually does except an invite by my Mom to come over for Thanksgiving dinner.

I am not going to bring up the M or S. Do I just talk about current affairs? Do I hug her hello or goodbye?

One of our problems is lack of communication so not sure how to approach this if it actually happens. Being standoffish is not good. Taking a trip down memory lane might be taken as pressure.

She also says I am not romantic. I have always pulled her chair out for her at family dinners or when we go out. Should I still do this or other little things that I did before the S or just casually forget now that we arent together right now.

This is a strange occassion if it occurs and advice to ease my mind?

[KdogGS]

I think this would be a great "Act as if" scenario. How would you act if you thought she was going to be receptive to you? If you go in thinking it will turn out badly, it probably will.

If she comes, treat her well. Do things you would do for a friend. Don't go out of your way to bend over backwards, but don't ignore her either. Try and have a positive time for her to think about.

Be self-confident. Look and smell your best. Let her take the lead on physical contact. If she goes for a hug, then do it, but don't linger too long. Read over the 37 rules again as a refresher. Don't follow her around the house and such.

Good luck.

[KdogGS]

For what it's worth- I met up for coffee with my WAW a few weeks ago. I had a gameplan of what I wanted to discuss and what I would say if conversations went certain ways. I went in anticipating a positive meeting, and it was a positive meeting.

Rehearse some scenarios (without making yourself crazy) what are your common fights/arguments? How can you react differently to break the cycle?

What can you do to validate her feelings and thoughts so she feels comfortable sharing? Make sure to listen to what she's saying so you can address concerns through actions in the days/weeks following.

This could be a good info gathering session if it comes to fruition.

[nit84]

Kdog,
Thanks for the answers. I need to go back and read that chapter about acting "as if" that will be good to refresh. I always try to have a positive outlook on things and most of the time it is easy. Just when I need to talk to my W do I some times lose that positivity.

[KdogGS]

How did it go?

[SM34]

Just caught up on your sitch. You are doing a fine job so far!!

One question. What is the chance there being someone else in the picture? Don't panic, not necessarily a full blown A, but at least another man helping her make the step out of the marriage? A lot of times (more often than not) there is someone waiting in the wings.

As far as her saying that you never worked on the house. I heard the exact same complaint. I would urge you to dig deeper on this one. Women don't say their complaints directly and I can guarantee you there is more to this than you think...

It could be that you procrastinate and she doesn't like that.

It could be that you don't take pride in your posessions and that bothers her.

It could be that you say you will do something and then not do it.

Think of the house think as an example of a charctet trait that she doesn't like or that worries her for a future together with you. It may even be that she feels that having kids with someone who has this trait, whatever it is, would create problems.

Its probably not the house, there is something else much deeper that is bothering her...find it.

[nit84]

Kdog,
I ran into W Thanksgiving Morning at the local donut shop. I was already in my vehicle drinking coffee when she pulled in right next to me. Couldnt tell her reaction but when she got out of the car she did give a wave then went inside. When she came out I tried to be positive and asked her if she was going to be able to come over for dinner she said probably not because she didnt think she would have enough time. I wished her and to tell her family I said Happy Thanksgiving. When I got back to my Parents home I found out that W had texted mom, about 30 mins before I saw her, to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. I guess I should be ok with the fact that she still contacts my family but it makes me think way too much about why she does.



SM34,
I guess there is always that chance of an A but enough people know our sitch and are both our friends that I think it would have come out by now.

When we had a R talk about a month ago. I did say to her that people told me that she is acting like someone who has somebody already or has somebody in mind to fill the void. She said if she did they would already be moved in and paying the bills.


The house improvement is a bit of an issue because you may be right that it isnt that at all. It could be a reason of her getting so upset for me waiting so long to start a family.

The thing is I would try to work on the house but would get frustrated easily because I am not handy. My W knew this so when I attempted to do something I would get told by her to call my Father or Brother in law because I didnt know what I was doing. Im not very handy but I am not helpless either.

Then when I would try and do something like clean or dust or vaccuum to help out the W. I was told not to do that she would get it. I said it was no problem but she would get angry cause it was "her" work and she thought I was doing it to show her up. I would say fine you do it and walked away instead of fighting about it. problem is she wouldnt do it then either. Vicious cycle that when and if we reconcile I refuse to let bother me. I will just do it because it needs done and if I need help with repairs I will call someone to help instead of giving up so easily.


I would always try and keep the peace instead of arguing about things like chores because it seemed like an unproductive fight. Unfortunately it caused some resentment that would then come out in a totally unrelated argument that caused hurt feelings on both our parts.

I think the W knows that if it came down to her getting pregnant and us having a family that it would all get done somehow because it had to.

We both always knew that we wanted children. She is just upset I didnt tell her three years ago when I truly felt I was ready to have children. She was ready ten years ago. I dont blame her for being mad but if I could have said something back then instead of just 7 months ago I think she would have been ok with it. I will regret that decision for the rest of my life if we dont end up having a family together.

[nit84]

I am sure that there are people she is confiding in that are giving her advice. Family and friends alike. I cant control that. All I can do is present the best of me when I am around her and try and prove them wrong. She talks to my family but has asked me not to talk to her family and friends, which I am respecting her request, but it puzzles me why she would ask this of me. I told my family her wishes and they said not to request that same of her. They told her their door is always open to her if she needs anything. That is how my family has always been with the W and her family.

I know she sees the changes in me because she has told me so. I think she is just afraid that they temporary. Maybe her conflict is between what sees me becoming and what advice she is getting that says I will never change. Too much thinking on my part I know but without contact with her family and friends I have to rely on word of mouth from mutual friends telling them about changes I have made instead of my action speaking for themselves


Patience is a must, I get that but I also feel sometimes that I am not doing enough and the W will take that as me no longer caring or loving her and she will move on. I think her love languages are service and affection but right now I cant help her with these because we are S. This is why I feel good one moment and bad the next.

I wish that she could let her defenses down just a little so she may see how wonderful our M could be moving foward. The M and children are right her for the taking if she wants. I think her knowing this is allowing her to take her time and make sure what I am doing is for real but at the same time it is allowing for the chance that some sweet talker might come around and give her bad advice for his personal gain if you get my drift. That is why this is so frustrating.

I know I am not supposed to bring up R talks but sometimes I feel like that is what she wants me to do.

Iam just letting her drive the R right now because she has told before that I am controlling and smothering to her.

I dont know if she knows how to handle this lead position and might be looking for me to reassume the front position. I dont want this because I always thought I was treating the W as an equal and if I start driving the R it might be percieved as "more of the same" back to me being in control.


Any other advice or thoughts are truly welcomed.

[nit84]

Feeling like a doormat but not ready for LRT yet.

I voluntarily moved out when we S with understanding at least on my part, that after our ailing dog passed away I wanted to move back home either with my W or if she couldnt handle that. She could go elsewhere considering she is the WAS. At this point it has been 9 weeks since the dog passed. When she brought up a R talk about 6 weeks ago it was not the greatest talk we ever had but she opened up a little bit to me. After that talk I mention about moving back and she proceeded to get real angry thinking I was forcing her out. I assured her she was welcomed to stay but if she had to move out because it bothered her I would not try and beg her to stay.

She said she needed time a couple of weeks to prepare some draft agreement for me to look at. After two weeks I didnt say anything and when we talked she mentioned that because of a certain event it was going to delay her drafting up the paperwork.

She said maybe I could give her my list of what I wanted in a proposed settlement or D. I told her she wanted this so she should do all work and if I agree with what she has on her list than everything else would be mine.

This is no easy task I understand there is a lot of things to consider. My problem is that she seems to be dragging her feet for whatever reason and not following through on things I thought we agreed upon ie a"couple of weeks" time frame.


I dont want to force the issue but I would like to know if she is having second thoughts or what. Our last couple interactions werent the greatest I told her I want to come to house to get mail and she asked how long I would be there I said maybe an hour or two. She said that upset her because she wanted to come home at that same time. I told her feel free to do that I would be in another part of house and would try and stay out of her way as much as possible. She didnt go for that and said I just dont feel like dealing with you today. I have no problem with being around her and not discussing the M. In fact I have been over there several times and done just that. Her issue is if I keep coming over the house one day I am not going to leave and just stay.

I wouldnt do that but I think a couple of days up to a week would be enough notice. She would still be welcomed back to get her stuff a little at a time if she chose to leave.

My issue is how do I bring the subject up in such a way that it not aggressive and might lead to us to talking about maybe trying to work on things. That is my goal but I dont want to pressure her. If she goes she goes. I just dont want it to come off as an ultimatium. I would like her to see it as a dose of reality though. That this is really happening and if we dont begin to work on things it probably will start to get a lot tougher and moving toward her goal of D Obviously I will not be filing for D but if she does choose leave she probably wont as comfortable as she now because I feel like I have been more than accomadating to her over these last six months in regards to the house and giving her her needed space and such.

[nit84]

Ok so I am sitting here thinking of ways to do certain things all of which probably wont help my cause but I have some time so I will take a shot and see what responses I receive.


1. No proof of an A but cant help but think there might be an OM in the picture or lined up to be there. My reasoning for feeling this way is my W reluctance to work on the M.

a. Do I bring up R talk? I have yet to do so. Both times W has brought it up.

b. Do I completely back off and risk her feeling like I have moved on and maybe pushing her into the arms of OM if there is one by acting this way.

c. Do I tell her I plan on moving back home but into a separate bedroom because after all it is half my house and I have been paying more than my fair share since S to help W out because she lost her job two weeks after S.

I am trying to be a good DB er and for the most part I can follow Sandis rules but sometimes the rollercoaster ride becomes very frustrating and I dont how to handle it. I realize patients is a necessary part of this but it is very hard sometimes not feel like I am being taken advantage of by my W for how I am allowing her to live pretty comfortably and not upsetting the apple cart because I truly do want things to work out. I feel good at some points when I stand up for myself.

Only problem with standing up for myself is that it make the W upset because it makes her feel like I am trying to take some of the power back and it makes her uncomfortable.

I am surviving living at my parents house but it frustrates me to think imho that my W is at the Marital home playing a real life game of house.

I know that she isnt thinking logically and is being guided by her emotions but there has to be something that will snap her out of this fantasy she is in. Right?


She says she sees changes in me which I like because I have worked hard since the S at becoming a better person for myself with the hopes of becoming a man that a woman couldnt live without. W told me last R talk that I am a good person and would make somebody very happy and hopes I find it because I deserve it. It just cant be her at this point but maybe in future. Cant figure it out.