It took me some time for me to come up with the title. I’ve been listening to a lot of Pink Floyd on XM radio recently. This song just resonates with me at this time.
“Where were you when I was burned and broken While the days slipped by from my window watching Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless Because the things you say and the things you do surround me While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words Dying to believe in what you heard I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted Outside the rain fell dark and slow While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime I took a heavenly ride through our silence I knew the moment had arrived For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence I knew the waiting had begun And I headed straight..into the shining sun “
I don’t know if it is holidays, but I’ve been feeling sad and a bit anxious these days. I don’t know why I feel anxious, maybe because my H is going to finish his work and come to the vacation home for the winter. I’ve been dreading this time… I would prefer him to stay where he works forever. I took his car for a wash yesterday (it needed a wash after my last trip to Mexico), because I’m going to drive to the vacation home for Thanksgiving. I felt uncomfortable in his car. This was something new, I didn’t have this feeling before when I was driving his car. I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel like I don’t want to let anything related to H into my life anymore. I feel like I need to leave H in the past and I’m actually starting to be excited about the new possibilities in my life, like I want to head “strait into the shining sun”.
It feels strange. It is like I want to move on, but I’m still holding this last thread of the rope in my hand and hesitating to let it go completely.
I’m going to the vacation home and I will spend the Thanksgiving with my friends. I’m not as excited this time as I was before when I was going there. I don’t know why. Maybe because I will not spend it with my family. My sister has to work on Thursday, so they are doing the dinner on Friday, and it is not even a traditional TG dinner. Plus my Mom is there and I’m constantly on guard with her around, waiting for her to say something that would upset me. My son and his GF are going to her family dinner. They normally stop by at everybody’s, but it is not the same as having the whole family together. My BIL (H’s brother) texted me the other day asking what my and my family plans were for TG. He wanted to invite us to his house. I kind feel uneasy about it, especially with my Mom around, so I declined. I decided that the best thing for me would be to spend some time with my friends. But now, I feel weird about it too. I will be there by myself, everybody else is there as a couple of family. I feel sad, but I figured it would be better over there than at home completely by myself.
I’ve been catching myself thinking about meeting somebody new and wonderful. I want to leave all the hurt and resentment and anger in the past. I do want to come back to life full of possibilities and joy.
Happy Thanksgiving to everybody.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I like the title of your new thread BF. And I am happy to read about your TG plans...I understand that it seems a bit awkward to be around friends, couples and families...at the end of the day they are YOUR friends though. You are all there together to celebrate TOGETHER.
Plus you get the added bonus of doing your own thing when you want...sneak off and read a book...take a walk... make it about your enjoyment and your holiday.
I agree that holidays bring up emotions that are hard to deal with. This holiday season I am going to try and focus on the day, where I am and...be mindful of the NOW. Let's do it together :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting, thanks for stopping by. You are absolutely right about having my own time and my own agenda this weekend. This is exactly what I’m planning to do, read, mediate and relax. I’ve been reading the book “Eat, Pray, Love” by Liz Gilbert. I’m reading the part about her experience in India and her struggles with meditation. I’ve got a few ideas from there, since I’ve been struggling with mediation as well. So, I cannot wait to read the following chapters. I’m with you here, taking one day a time and living in NOW. I’ve been reading your updates and I know that you are having some challenging time right now with all kinds of feelings, new and returned…
I just want to quote something, which is part of meditation practice I’ve been doing. “As we detach from the outcome of whatever we desire, we let go and gently surrender to the wisdom of uncertainty, which holds our freedom from the past, the known, and the limitations of any preconceived notions. In our willingness to step into the unknown, the field of all possibilities, we give ourselves over to the creative mind that orchestrates the dance of the universe, trusting that what we desire will come to us.”
Well, I have to put it here… We had a text exchange with my BIL (H’s brother who lives in the same neighborhood with me). Apparently he has not Thanksgiving plans now, since nobody responded to his invite. I told him that I’m still planning on going to my vacation home and he asked me when. Then he told me to let the boys (I guess my son and my other BIL – sister’s H) know if they want to go for a beer. I don’t know if he is not invited to any of his multiple friends’ houses, or he was waiting for me to invite him to go with me. It sounds like he is lonely and is wants to be with a family. He is single and doesn’t have any family here except my family. I always thought that he had lots of friends and he always has a GF. So, I don’t know what the deal is. I felt so sorry for him that I almost changed my plans and in a split second I thought to invite him to go with me. Whew, I’m glad I didn’t. I want to enjoy my time on my own, period. And this is my problem, I would feel the same about H. Instead of letting people feel the consequences of their decisions, I try to rescue them at the first sign of trouble. I know my BIL chose this life for himself. My H told me last year during our last R talk, that his brother has probably made the best choice in life of never being married and doing whatever he wanted. Oh, he said it like this “BIL is probably the smartest of all”. So, why do I feel sorry for my BIL now? Please stop me…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, Go to your vacation home and enjoy your peace and quiet. The number one priority is taking care of your. I know you want to rescue him, but you can't rescue everyone...your BIL will be fine. I'm sure he'll hook up w/some friends and do something that day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You know how much I love Pink Floyd!! In fact, last night our local symphony did a Dark Side of the Moon Tribute. It was great. That music carries me away.
I am glad to hear that you are finally going to get some peace and quiet. For those of us who can only truly relax and recharge our batteries when we are in our own space and time, that alone time means a great deal.
Rescuing people. Ah, yes. One of the things I do best or at least so I think. Give me a problem and I want to solve it. One of the many lessons learned through this experience is that not all people who complain want to BE fixed. And it is better that they fix themselves anyway or learn to ask for help.
Quote:
It feels strange. It is like I want to move on, but I’m still holding this last thread of the rope in my hand and hesitating to let it go completely.
I don't get this either, Bright. I WANT to be done already. But I think it does not work that way. I can't remember what it was like to have the "dream of someone else". I would like someone in my life but I neither have the time nor the energy for it. And the unvarnished truth is that I feel I have not quite seen this through. Do you feel that, too? Or maybe I simply hate the thought of trying to conquer the "meat market" again.
Brightfuture, I feel like I'm in exactly the same position as you as far as holding onto that last thread of the rope. I feel excited and hopeful about meeting someone new yet also terror at the same time. I always think to myself too when I'm in a crowd of people if I'm the only "single" one there. It bums me out if I think about it, but then I just try to see my friends as individual friends and not as a couple. I hope you have a great thanksgiving!
Me: 31 H: 32 Married 10 years, together 11 No kids H moved out to an apt 8-3-13
Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis
Portia, yes, I do feel like I haven’t completely seen this through yet too. And I don’t have the energy for any new R at this time. I know I need more time, but at least I have a fantasy of a new R, and this is a step forward.
Lostinpgh, thanks for stopping by. I need to catch up on your thread sometime. I try not to feel bad when I find myself in a company where I’m the only single. I always get attention from the male crowd, so I almost never feel lost of out of place. On the opposite, sometimes I feel bad about stealing somebody else’s husband’s attention. I know how it feels for other women, I’ve been there myself.
Well, I ended up not going to my vacation home today. My phone died yesterday, and causes me a lot of hassle. I don’t want a new phone from the provider because my plan would have to change and I would have to pay more. Right now I have unlimited data, this option is no longer available. So, I got a couple of used phoned from my sister and finally was able to active one of them. It interfered with some other things on my list that I was not able to do.
Plus, my family has been trying to convince me to stay here and have dinner with them. My BIL (H’s brother) decided to cook the whole meal at his house and my sister’s family was invited. I guess he really wanted to have family for dinner. I’ve leant about it yesterday when I stopped by to get the phones at my sister’s. So, my sister’s H was trying to convince me again to spend Thanksgiving with the family. I really had some mixed feelings about it. Part of me wanted to stay with the family, I just was not sure what was best for me at this time. So, when my phone died, I thought of it as a sign.
I texted my BIL that I will be coming to his place. He seems to be excited about it.
Tomorrow we are having dinner at my sister’s house. And then I might still go to Mexico.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
That was nice that BIL reached out to you in the end. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
It was nice of BIL to reach out BF. It's been my BIL and SIL that have been reaching out since H checked out. It has been a blessing for me and the kids.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Bright, Things happen for a reason and I do think the man upstairs didn't want you to travel to your vacation home on Thanksgiving, i.e., phone died. I'm glad you opted to stay and spend the day w/your family.
Mexico will be there tomorrow or even next week. Go when the travelers have all gone home from this holiday weekend and you are not in a traffic jam.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
