Bug, Say, Acc - It's so good to see you guys over here. Your posts and presence make me feel at home!
You guys have been here for me for a long time... Always pushing me forward and encouraging me.
Re. my H's apology... I used to think that I really needed him to recognize and apologize. After he did, I have to say, not much really changed, since it had been a long time since he had stopped spewing at me and his surface behavior towards me had been civilized for a long time...
Nothing much changed in the sense that he may be remorseful that he hurt me, yet is not willing to do anything about it. Sure, I can now say I was right, but as 25 says, being right doesn't make me happy...
I guess the only consolation is that I know I wasn't crazy - lol...
I may chukle now, but as many, many here, there were times where I truly doubted my sanity and let that perky, nasty fear of "what if" take over... 25 and Grace said it some time ago on this same thread - the negative thinking of "what if H is right and I am truly broken, truly nasty and truly unlovable?" is very dangerous. Because that is what "the bomb" really is - having the person you most trusted in this world telling you that you are disposable and that they don't want anything with you. And that messes up with your psyche like nothing else. So I guess I found validation that I was not as crazy as he said.
But other than that, his apology really didn't mean anything in practical terms. I have actually read a few times on the boards from others who also got an apology, some many years later or after D, and it seems like my feelings about it are pretty common with what others felt.
And yes, Acc - it's amazing how a WAS will rationalize things in their minds to make things work for them... My H has said many, many times since day 1 after DB - "we are not married." Yet, we have filed taxes as a married couple these three years, and just two months ago, he asked me to put him on my health insurance as his spouse, since his doesn't kick in until January. LOL...
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I too love the way you write. You get to the heart of the matter and express so much that I know for myself, I cannot express!
(((((((KG)))))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Hi KG! nice to see you back here. You also say a lot that I think, "yeah, me too!"
I had a weird response to your story of H's apology. I thought, wow, if my H had 1/1,000,000,000 of the emotional depth and ability to articulate feelings that your H displayed in just his apology, maybe we would have been ok. Then - NO - maybe we're more hopeless than ever because even a guy that could say that is still not rushing back into his wife's arms to repair the marriage together. So that lands me back where you are; it doesn't change much. But still, validates what you have thought and known, which must feel somewhat good.
I love that you didn't accept a half-baked nothing, but asked for him to be specific! I plan to use that some day, some how.
Anyway, reading along as always, just wanted to say hey.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Keep_going, good to see you back here for your insights. I’m glad you are doing well. It is very inspiring to read your updates. It is interesting to know that your H’s apology did change the way you feel. I’ve been having similar thoughts recently, that even if my H would apologize for his decisions, it would not change how I would relate to him. Please keep the updates. I agree with others, you are a very good writer and can express your feelings and thoughts in a way that it resonates with all of us here.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I LOVE your post KG, I just love it. It's not surprisimg that you wrote it but it's nice to see anyhow.
I think your h's progress is dramatic, if a bit delayed. But as you say, your goal is being your best self regardless of HIS actions so, in some ways he's sort of irrelvent. At least to your self esteem. That is healthy.
Congrats, keep going, Keep Going! And do SOME GAL please...yeah I know, you are busy! But when your stbx has the kids, why not GAL then? It cannot be all about work
that is how you got here in the first place. By GAL now, you decrease the chance of finding yourself in that superwoman RUT again.
and your attitude and self esteem will all shine in more positive light. That's good for you inside and outisd.
Be well! Hope to see you soon!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Today and every day I have so many things to be grateful for...
I am grateful for my health - without it I can't really do much.
i am grateful for my family - those with whom I am close, those with whom I am not so close and those with whom I have a challenging relationship. You are all an important part of who I am.
I am thankful I have a job that I like, that helps me pay my bills and support my kids and where I get to work with amazingly talented colleagues and friends.
I am thankful for all the simple things in life - too many to list here, like the smell of freshly-cut grass, whipped cream on pumpkin pie and sunsets on the beach. I am thankful that I can enjoy them every day if I so choose to.
I am thankful that I have a home, food on my table, warm clothes, a car to take me where I need to go, and access to technology that helps me keep connected to others.
I am thankful for all the lessons I learned this year and the awareness that I still have so much more to learn.
I am grateful that I get to have choices about my life, that I am free to actualize my dreams and that I am prepared and ready for changes and challenges.
I am grateful for the things I have lost, which makes me appreciate everything i have not.
I am most thankful for my kids, the light and love of my life, who motivate me to try to be a better person every day.
And I am grateful for all of you, my friends, my family and my loved ones who can read this and with whom I can share my thoughts and my life.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
KG - It is nice to see you moving forward with your new mindset. I know it is not easy and we all get there in our own time and in our own way. But isn't it liberating to just let go of the anger? It is like a knot that gets tighter and tighter and then one day the knot just sort of unties itself and everything appears to be different.
I hope you stay on this path and continue to go and grow and glow!
Cheers!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
