H isn't home yet. Called is bar, person that answered didn't know when H had left. I opened H's cell phone bill for January and tons of calls to OW...one is even 83 minutes long. Called OW's house no answer, H's cell phone is shut off. Last weekend I'm sure H was at OW's.
So now wtf do I do? Some calls are first thing in the morning, must be why H leaves extra early for work.
So this detachment thing, no pressure, no OR talk, no nothing, even the niceness pushes them right back into OW's arms I guess. I think S and I will be just fine w/o H.
Hi Cathy, Just stopping in from MLC. I want you to know that I am sorry for what you're going through - my heart goes out to you. Try not to jump to too many conclusions. You are right, you and your S will be okay, with or without your H. I wish you the best.
I'm so sorry hon! See snooping only brings you down, quit doing it. You know that contact with OW takes time and your H is going through withdrawal.
Don't ASSume, believe me I'm the queen of ASSuming! There must be a good reason why your H didn't come home. You know this is their journey and sometimes we aren't invited to go along.
Remember yesterday? I did a lot of Assuming and it was all for nothing! So come on, just jump the gun. You are supposed to learn something from this; PATIENCE! I had to learn something yesterday also; no Assuming!
I'm here and will check in to see how things are going!
I hope that this information helps you out. I will tell you what I have been shown and you can take it from there.
You have this information and from my understanding of what happens in part of this, is that they are tempted one last time with everything that they went through in Replay. This is the time that they have to make the decision as to whether they are going to fall for the same temptation or if they are going to walk away from it for good.
This is also the time that you are not to say or do anything because you can not make this decision for them. The only thing that you can do at this time is pray. Once they get through this and shut the door on everything, is when the start their journey through acceptance.
I know that this is a very difficult time for you and I can understand everything that you want to do and it is well justified, but you have to remember, that this is still their journey that they are going on. If you interfer in that journey and cause them to make a decision that you want them too, you might end up going through the same thing.
I know that you want to kill him and I know that you want to let him have it, but if you do, it could backfire in your face. You have to remember that the withdrawal from this woman is going to be difficult for him. He is wrong in the fact that he is hiding it again from you. That is not helping him with this at all. It is putting him back into the problem that he tried to run from in the beginning, but again this is his problem and not yours. You did not make him do any of the things that he is doing that is making him so miserable.
That is why staying detached is so very important during this time. I know that the natural instinct is to let him have up one side and down the other, but it won't help matters at all. As a matter of fact, it could just send him running right back to her. Although doing nothing I realize can do the same thing.
You are a very strong woman and I know that this is very devastating to find this out again, but he must face these issues and put them to an end on his own. If he does not, then they are not going to end for him. They are going to continue to come up in his face. He may have dealt with many issues, but it is evident that he has not dealt or faced his emotionals issues and is being forced to at this time.
I would not want to be in his shoes for anything right now. He made the decision to come home and like an addict, he is having a hard time getting this woman out of his system. It is like trying to quit drinking, smoking or taking drugs.
He is probably doing well for a while and then the withdrawal hits and he can't handle the symptoms. So he runs to her for a fix and then feels like a failure because he wasn't strong enough to stay away from her. You have to realize that he is not in love with her, but he is addicted to her. That is also another reason you are getting all the anger again. He is failing himself more then he is failing you and this is something that he has to live with every day.
Imagine how you would feel if you were trying to kick a habit and you kept failing at every attempt. That is why your reactions to him, your patience, your kindness, your forgiveness and your unconditional love are so very important at this time.
HB explained this to me one time because I was so very upset about something that had happen to me for a second or third time. When she first started explaining this, I didn't understand it and couldn't phathom why the way I treated him would matter, but it really does. That is when the Lord started to show me the importance of me showing him the patience, the forgiveness, the kindness and the unconditional love.
Human nature tells you to go after the juggler vein and destroy him, but he is in a very fragile state right now and your outcome depends on how you react to all of this. So don't do anything out of anger because your time for confronting him is going to be coming. You are having to face things in order for you to deal with all the emotions and get through them so when that confrontation time happens, you are very calm. Yet at the same time very firm and loving. Does this make sense to you?
I hope that this information helps you some. Hang in there because you have come such a long way and his journey is coming to an end.
So much good information and it makes so much sense, too! Alas, a little late maybe. To make a long story short H was all set to leave again to go to OW's for the night and then come back again tomorrow night..wtf! I told him if he left to not come back, that I couldn't keep doing this, letting him run back and forth all the time. It was very dramatic around here for awhile tonight, me in tears..yes tears I couldn't hide any longer. I just kept saying how unfair this whole thing was and that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I deserveed better. I just broke down. H said he thought I was stronger emotionally and could handle this and that he hadn't seen me this emotional this last 9 months. I said Oh yes I've cried, but every time I cried it's like a cleansing and I feel stronger.
I more or less gave H the ultimatim and I meant it, too.
H did tell me earlier that he "probably loved" her and that he wanted to be with her, but wondered why he felt so shi**y. I didn't really respond. H also said that "I love him, OW loves him, both sons love him, but why didn't H love H?
We did talk a lot today, H still claims he has no feelings for me. He came back to see if he did still have feelings. I said you've only been back for four weeks and you know already? He said yes. I said how can you tell, you still have feelings for OW, she's still in the picture?
I wasn't angry with H, I didn't rage at H. I took ownership of my feelings and stated them, they are my real feelings. If H did go back to OW tonight, that would have been it for me and H. I was done. I wanted a more stable life, not wondering every time H left if H was going to come back.
H did say that he had only been to see her once since he left her.
H also said he started drinking about noon yesterday and was drinking at his bar when OW showed up. H was soo drunk he ended up at OW's..she drove him home to her house because H was blasted!!!
Anyway, H didn't leave, he's sleeping in the bedroom downstairs...H could still go to OW, but he's here for now, I just can't take this anymore and am ready to move on from this nightmare.
