Quote: You are having to face things in order for you to deal with all the emotions and get through them so when that confrontation time happens, you are very calm. Yet at the same time very firm and loving. Does this make sense to you?
Laurie, came back to this as tonight was confrontation night, also. I lovingly, told H I loved him, the reason I have been so happy, so detached so "uncaring" like as H was looking at it was because I had "hope" I was "hoping" things would work out between us.
Lots was said today and tonight...H is still confused, but I can't keep letting him run back and forth this would have been the third time and I just couldn't do it...
About 6:30ish the conversations pretty much ended. H went downstairs to the bedroom to think and hasn't come back up, as I said early he went to sleep. H also has a drinking problem which we touched on today.
All in all our day was good, there was no yelling..the crying yes, but it was me being vulnerable and H wouldn't even hug me which is okay.
You did what the Lord prompted you to do. It was a cycle and it had to be broken. You handled yourself well and you did what the Lord had planned.
Now the decision is your husband's and you have opened the cage door to let him go. Now leave that cage door open and go on with your life. Do what you have been doing.
Your husband now knows where you stand and he does have some thinking to do. With MLC, this is normal in order for them to continue through the tunnel. Now you will end up back in limbo land, but you have totally released him for the first time, and now you will continue with action.
He now knows that you love him and that you are willing to work on the relationship, but you have also set boundaries to let him know that you will not accept a life with the three of you. He has to make a decision and either it will be you or her. He needed to be put in this spot because he has been sitting on the fence and blaming you and treating you terribly for his own guilt.
He doesn't know his own feelings and if he did, he wouldn't be so confused. He was honest with you and you were honest with him and yes, the things that he said hurt, but the Lord had you prepared and now he will help you to heal.
He will also work on your husband, but your husband is also aware of what you will accept and what you won't and that is good. He has to realize that those feelings are not going to go away over night, but the Lord will help to heal him if he will allow him to work.
Now, don't look at your circumstances and trust the Lord. You have come a very long way and you are a very strong person. You are not alone. The Lord is with you through all of this and he will help you through it all.
Cathy I just went through part of what you did; telling my H what I wanted. I also cried, but if you're like me we can't help but cry, so it is alright.
Vinlad is great isn't she!?
Quote: Your husband now knows where you stand and he does have some thinking to do. With MLC, this is normal in order for them to continue through the tunnel. Now you will end up back in limbo land, but you have totally released him for the first time, and now you will continue with action.
I'm there with you, it's kind of scary, but don't let every minute of everyday be about your R with H. Go find something to keep you busy. I am and it helps! Plus when my mind goes to the wrong place, I talk to myself, pray and put my mind somewhere else!
I just wanted to let you know that H has been mean all his life. H told me last light that #1 used to tell him that, also. It's an control/abuse thing and it's H way of dealing/not dealing with his feelings. During our conversations H said that he has been hurt in the past and that I hurt him. I told H that I never knew that, that H has never said that he was hurt, has never said that I hurt his feelings ever...he keeps me them so buried and they come out as meanness.
Well H didn't leave during the night last night. I let S sleep with me last night. Got up this morning, told S to go see if his dad was awake. S didn't know daddy was sleeping downstairs last night mainly becuase I didn't want him to go down and bug him so I just changed the subject every time S asked where D was. H was crabby this morning. I was laying in bed, first thing H said was haven't you gotten up to give S medicine? I said not yet..boy H was orney. Cleaned most of the morning, H kept saying things like "did you tell your S I'm leaving" or "did you tell anyone where I was Friday night" I wanted to say "well your standing right here so you haven't left yet"
We did talk the D word Saturday night, they were more words than anything else at this point. But H brought that up today, H is just playing mind games at this point.
H and S went to H's parents today. I went shopping. When I got home H and S were here. H has declared the lower level of the house his for now. Told me I couldn't watch the football game down there. So we got in a little back and forth about who's TV was down there..back and forth..
Quote: He is probably doing well for a while and then the withdrawal hits and he can't handle the symptoms. So he runs to her for a fix and then feels like a failure because he wasn't strong enough to stay away from her. You have to realize that he is not in love with her, but he is addicted to her. That is also another reason you are getting all the anger again. He is failing himself more then he is failing you and this is something that he has to live with every day.
Hmmm...H just had to leave now "for awhile" he said, so I'm just ASSuming he's calling OW or maybe he just needs to get out and think. I did offer to leave with S if that's what he wanted so that he could be by himself. Told him all he had to do was tell me...H said no.
Quote: So don't do anything out of anger because your time for confronting him is going to be coming. You are having to face things in order for you to deal with all the emotions and get through them so when that confrontation time happens, you are very calm. Yet at the same time very firm and loving. Does this make sense to you?
No this doesn't make sense, what kind of confrontation? Last night I kind of threw some things at him that I shouldn't have but did anyway. Some truths that H didn't want to hear. Like his meanness. I don't think H sees the way he reacts/treats me as mean. Because I brought up some of the things he's said to me, that I thought were mean, and he just made it sound like what I was doing bothered him and H was telling me about it. I said well you're mean to me and H said "I'm sorry"
Last night I showed H my vulnerable self, my pain, my true feelings, ME and I think they scared H or confused H. I didn't "act as if" I showed him me and it wasn't pretty. H made some comment about not seeing my like this before, that I never showed my feelings.
When H hid out here for a weekend in December and then left again. I told H he should have seen me after that, I was worse than what I was last night. H wanted to know where son was and I said sleeping. I also told H that crying is good for the sole, and that afterwards I feel stronger, like last night. Once I was done crying, no sobbing I felt better, and pulled mself together. And today I do feel stronger. The "fear" of H is gone. I no longer fear my H's words. It's like H doesn't hold any power over me anymore, H is just a man. I saw my H's real self last night, H's vulnerable side, H is in pain and I saw it last night.
H did say at one point that he wishes he'd never met OW, that he should have just stayed here and been "miserable."
I haven't been able to be on BB this weekend. Just caught up with you and have to say that I am sorry your weekend has been so rough.
But it also sounds like it was a liberating experience for you too. Like you said, you let him see you, pain and all.
I will keep praying for you, your S and your H. I hope that this weekend showed him that running away solves nothing. That he needs to kick it up a notch and really try to clean up his act. Lose the alcohol and the OW.
You are stong Cathy. You can do this!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
You have to remember, that these are sides of your husband that he is facing for the first time. Sure he knew he had them, but he never faced them. He just pushed them off and for the first time in his life he is having to face them. He is looking at himself in the mirror and has no answers. He is not going to be allowed to run forever either.
He is stuck between a rock and a hard place right now and the Lord is making him face himself in a way that he has never done before. This is very important that you continue to do what the Lord is leading you to do right now.
You are going to be the one that is going to help pull him through this. You may not think so right now, but you are being used to make him face things that he has ran away from all of his life.
He could have ran to the OW, but he didn't. Instead, he chose to live downstairs in his own space. So be it, but you must continue to do what you are doing. You just don't realize the impact that you are really having on him with the things that you are saying and doing.
You don't have the full picture yet, but the Lord will reveal it to you in time. Just keep listening to what you are being told to say and do. Yes, he is going to be angry and ornery about everything right now. Go back and read the withdrawal part of it. I can't express enough about going back and reading about HB's story.
She too went through the same thing that you are going through right now. He spoke with her when he broke through, but yet he also did more things to her that hurt very badly, but she hung on because of the promise that the Lord gave her.
This is going to be the time that you make it or break it. Don't let the feelings that you are having over run anything. You have kept them at bay for this long and you will have the chance to continue to discuss your emotions and his emotions as this continues. This is the time that God is healing you guys for a better relationship and unless you guys discuss all the areas that you need to be healed in, this will happen again.
So just continue down this path because it is a very important path. I just can't express that enough to you. This is alot of the times where the LBS is the one that ends the relationship because they just simply can't take anymore and I can definitely understand that.
First of all, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and insights to the MLC mind, I really, truly don't know how I'd be doing with ANY of this without you and all my BB friends. It's maddening and frustrating, yet it all makes so much sense. I HAVE to continue along to see how this IS all going to play out.
I'm hoping and praying for a better man, for my H to come through this a better person and then on the other hand not expecting anything.
Quote: This is alot of the times where the LBS is the one that ends the relationship because they just simply can't take anymore and I can definitely understand that.
IF H would have left Saturday night I WOULD have ended it, it would have been over and I told H that, also. Told H to make arrangements to get all of his stuff out of our hosue this week, that I never wanted to see him again, or as little as possible. I told H I didn't deserve to be treated like this, I didn't deserve the pain anymore and that no one should have to live this way. I deserved better.
H got back right before the game ended last night. Said he came back "this time" to make sure S slept in his own bed..yeah right.
H asked me if I tried to call him? I said no and then asked where he was. H said "I'm not going to tell you" like I didn't know and why would he ask me if I called him there. He was at his bar watching the game.
H slept downstairs last night. I was able to read before I went to sleep--which was nice. S slept with his D. I got up and made H's lunch for him this morning. H asked why I was being nice to him when he's not nice to me. I told him he was my friend.
H called not too long ago to thank me for making his sandwhich! We talked a bit about his work and hung up.
I do know that the pain I felt Friday night, the not sleeping, the not knowing, that awful feeling OF knowing where H was, the pain I've known since this horror began, is a pain I do not want to feel again. A person can only take so much and I would wish it on NO ONE. I once told my H that the the pain of a slap or punch would be preferrable to the constant pain of this nightmare. As that kind of pain last a few days...of course, if H ever did touch me...well I won't even go there..
