Another day, Another Opportunity

[Rick1963]

Go to piecing or another divorce busted. They have many positive stories that u can learn from. Good luck

[NoMoreMistakes]

Went with a new strategy today to help with detaching. Just left my phone at home all day. I have done this several times while GAL activities but first time for the whole day at work. I was definitely more productive at work, and didn't really miss anything important.

[NoMoreMistakes]

Another good day today. Another strategy I have started is not just journaling about my experiences with W but all of my activities. Days when W is not a part of the activities, I do not highlight the fact anymore unless it strikes me at the time.

Good weekend with friends planned. Should be fun!

[2stubborn2quit]

Have a good weekend!

[NoMoreMistakes]

Pretty good weekend with friends. Had a few momemts where W crossed my mind, but strangely they were positive or wishful thoughts. They were actually thoughts confirming the new pattern of NC on weekends. But the strange thought that came along with it was that part of me wishes the NC would continue. I don't really want to hear from W this week. I feel more detached from the roller coaster and I don't really want to jump back in after a good week.

[NoMoreMistakes]

Well that lasted a day. W sent a FB message earlier today to tell me that an event I was going to was cancelled. I just said I was disappointed and thanked her for the heads up.

Later in the afternoon, she said she had a question about her roommate. It was a pretty mundane question that didnt seem like it needed an answer from me of all people. The conversation lead to some discussion about how she feels though. Through a lot of validating and some probing we were able to discuss some of the following:

She doesnt feel sadness anymore, even in other situations which would have normally made her feel sad.

She doesnt really want to deal with her feelings, they take too much energy and time, neither of which she has now.

She is just occuupying her time now, always looking for something to do and never being able to really relax.

I asked if she thought she might be depressed or why she might be feeling so apathetic. She thought she might be. The only thing she knows is that she just wants to be held.

Being held is the only thing that makes her feel at peace. That OM just holds her and that brings peace. That is the only thing she looks forward to.

She apologized for telling me that, but that she has no one else to talk to who knows her or whos opinion she values. I told her that she didnt surprise me with those feelings, and thanked her for sharing even though it was awkward. I also asked if she had seen a IC yet. I told her that while I'm glad to talk to her, she needs someone she can talk to about things she might not be comfortable talking to me about. That she shouldnt have to apologize after sharing her feelings.

Several times she asked if apathy goes away or how to get rid of depression. I just told her I'm not the best source as I have my own things I'm working on. Counselors will help guide her, but ultimately its in her to find with their help.

[NoMoreMistakes]

Hour and a half FB conversation followed up now with a text to talk on the drive home. W scheduled some time with an IC after our conversation and wanted to let me know she had.

[JayMan]

NMM - keep tight now and patient, great job validating. If she can find that safe comfortable "peace" with you, then OM is no longer necessary.

It really helped me once I figured out in my head that I was a better option than W's OM, then I knew I just had to BE that man. The only thing OM provided her was he was "safe" and "no pressure" and didn't know her baggage.

[NoMoreMistakes]

Thanks Jon.

In the sitch as it is now, I am not trying to be that comfortable peace. I don't know that its really a healthy peace for her. She can't say why she feels it and is confused about a lot of things (her words not mine). It may just be an escape from facing everything else real.


I am just focusing on being a better me and in part that means just validating as she tries to find out why that peace is there and nowhere else. I can't be a fixer for anyone but me. If nothing else, that's the biggest thing I've taken out of the whole thing. I can't find someone elses happiness for them, they have to find it themselves.

[JayMan]

I misspoke, NMM. I meant when you aren't the antagonist, but someone she feels safe with.