I felt good at first that W said that she shared her thoughts because I know her and that I have an opinion she values. At the same time, I felt a bit sad/scared for her because she said I was the ONLY one she could talk to because of that. My fear/concern comes from her not taking this time to think about the situation or how she is feeling. Just repressing it all and not taking anything from the situation.
It took time in both conversations but eventually feelings for OM came up. Is this subject something I should avoid with her if she brings it up, or am I doing the right thing by validating her feelings while trying to get her to explore the root of them more? I am being very careful not to condone her actions but at the same time not dismiss that she has some feelings for OM.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
I am not really trying to figure out what her motive is or read into why she is sharing. Just encouraging her to share, validate that she has whatever feelings she has and try to examine them a bit if she will.
Neither of us has been very good at dealing with emotions in the past. I was not very supportive in listening to her feelings, validating them or encouraging her to look into them more. My tendency was more to try to fix and provide a solution rather than just listen and try to get an understanding. So at this point I am just trying to do those things, and let her find her own solutions.
After the talk yesterday, I had time to think and came up with some questions that I have been asking myself and that I think would help W figure out some of her confusion. I wanted to email the questions to her this morning, but decided against it. I dont want to push her now. If it comes up again or if she asks for my advice, then I will give it but for now I will be happy for her that she is considering IC and not interject yet.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
I am not really trying to figure out what her motive is or read into why she is sharing. Just encouraging her to share, validate that she has whatever feelings she has and try to examine them a bit if she will.
Neither of us has been very good at dealing with emotions in the past. I was not very supportive in listening to her feelings, validating them or encouraging her to look into them more. My tendency was more to try to fix and provide a solution rather than just listen and try to get an understanding. So at this point I am just trying to do those things, and let her find her own solutions.
I think you are doing the right thing here. Listen to her and validate, don’t try to offer advice unless she asks for it. I have actually asked my W before when she started a sharing conversation if she wanted me to respond or just listen and she told me just listen. As far as her talking about OM, if YOU can handle it, I think it would be great to let her talk. If it will trigger you or cause you to not be able to remain empathetic and calm, then don’t.
Originally Posted By: NoMoreMistakes
After the talk yesterday, I had time to think and came up with some questions that I have been asking myself and that I think would help W figure out some of her confusion. I wanted to email the questions to her this morning, but decided against it. I dont want to push her now. If it comes up again or if she asks for my advice, then I will give it but for now I will be happy for her that she is considering IC and not interject yet.
Be careful not to fix or offer how to… Let her drive the conversations for now.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
If the pattern holds true, W will probably FB message me later today with a question or news of how her meeting with IC went.
Lately I have been responding to almost all her contacts. I feel like I have been too available to her whenever she wants to make contact. She has shared some feelings during those times, which makes me hesistant not to respond, but I am thinking of not responding to the next few contacts.
I don't know if its a punishment thing or if I don't want to encourage cake eating, but if she is has OM, I don't know why I should be her emotional support now.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
I don't have any really good advice, but I feel the same way about responding to contacts. I don't contact H at all (unless I have to do to the kids). But he has been reaching out to me lately about kids, his life, stupid stuff. I try not to respond immediately all the time, but I generally do respond at some point.
My H has said that he started his EA because he did not think that I was supportive and he did not feel needed. As a result, H stopped reaching out to me and stopped filling me in on the events in his life. He went to OW instead. So when he reaches out to me now, I have a hard time not responding.
I think that you can respond and validate without being her emotional support. It may take a bit to find the right balance. Maybe just pick and choose what to respond to based on the contact of the message.
I try not to respond immediately all the time, but I generally do respond at some point.
Originally Posted By: 3boyzmom
I think that you can respond and validate without being her emotional support. It may take a bit to find the right balance. Maybe just pick and choose what to respond to based on the contact of the message.
I agree with this^^^
If being there for your W is a 180, something you did not do during the M, than absolutely yes be there now. If you were there before, still be there now.
Like 3B said pick and choose the important things to respond to and respond, but maybe not immediately. Take some time to think what you want to respond to and how to respond. One of the things W and I face is we say something to the other to bait or get a response, those are the things not to respond to.
Don’t “not respond” to punish. I get why you feel that way, it’s a control trigger.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
My problem with this is that I dont really know what is important prior to initially responding. The last few times it just starts with a generic, "Are you there".
These have tended to lend to better conversations where she shares her feelings, where as others which start with just a statement about or emoticon dont really go anywhere.
I definitely dont want to not respond as a form of punishment, but also dont want to be a doormat. This is a personal 180 for me. In the past I would just do whatever I could to help without any expectations. Now,I am just trying to find the balance between showing that I can understand her feelings, but not that I will be there as her support while she continues with OM.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
I would think the balance would be you respond when you feel you should, meaning not being a doormat.
If she text you and ask "are you there" it is up to you to decide are you? Take a few minutes to decide. If you don’t reply and it is important enough she will make it known.
If you respond and it turns into something that isn’t healthy or doesn’t go anywhere, then you can always say I gtg, have a great day.
If it becomes a conversation that she expresses herself, feelings than you can listen and validate her if you want.
Figure out what you need for yourself to feel good about how you are living and handling yourself, then follow what you discover.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
