Wonka - two flavors of actions - big - I decided what kind of car to buy, though W and d15 wanted one of those little Fiats, and little - the tulips are planted. Is that what you are looking for?
sandi2 - the coach twice said "since I am a divorce busting coach" or something similar. The thought behind the strategy seemed to be to do a 180 by taking the lead on this, to say sorry and that she has treated me lousily in so many words, and to encourage W and I to heal back together. I've also read here on DB that the shock of the real often causes a WAS to reconsider. I find it risky to say "sure, I'll sign the divorce papers" and also to put the house on the market earlier than W had planned, especially given her clearly stated intentions.
All - I'll decide something. The worst case would be to not have done anything, to not have given something a shot. L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
This version of me would handle conflict immediately, like my boss does.
Convictions: every person has innate value and deserves respect. We are responsible to each other and the planet (lots more political stuff could come here). Life is ultimately meaningless, but since it is so, you might as well put a brave face on it and make the best of things. Humor is good. Love your kids and your spouse and your friends.
A bunch more thou shalts could come here, but perhaps this gives a flavor. Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
oThis version of me would handle conflict immediately, like my boss does.
oConvictions: every person has innate value and deserves respect. We are responsible to each other and the planet (lots more political stuff could come here). Life is ultimately meaningless, but since it is so, you might as well put a brave face on it and make the best of things. Humor is good. Love your kids and your spouse and your friends.
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o daring to be honest, with authentic, caring communication with my W and kids, just like I had with my dad about his incontinence o positive (the glass is half full, folks) o capable of the 9 miles on weekends (and I really should stretch and weightlift too) o meditate in the mornings, to quiet my mind o being more socially at ease, like my French guy friend o creating my life actively, like the men's lunch club thing o better in touch with my real self - so less mind and thought
Take a look at each goal individually and jot down a plan of a few steps on how you can reach that goal. Keep them handy so you can remind yourself.
Specifically to how you handle conflict and standing firm in your core convictions, start practicing it immediately. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but come naturally as it develops into habit...the newer version of you.
Getting advice here is great, but it's easy to become dependent upon that advice and not learn the lessons. That's the "following orders" I wrote about previously. So instead of asking advice on how to handle situations here on this MB, ask YOURSELF, "How would the future version of me handle this situation?" And then DO THAT.
Start practicing. Become the person you want to be. "Become" is a verb, LuckyLuke, it's an action...you have to do the work; it isn't just going to happen magically.
Focus on you for now, the you you want to become.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
What is the objective in moving to the master bedroom?
Quote:
So the objective at that time was to be aggressive enough to claim your bed while your W was occupying that room.
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Did you explain to your DB Coach that the W was no longer in the master bedroom?
Answer:
Quote:
sandi2 - the coach twice said "since I am a divorce busting coach" or something similar. The thought behind the strategy seemed to be to do a 180 by taking the lead on this, to say sorry and that she has treated me lousily in so many words, and to encourage W and I to heal back together. I've also read here on DB that the shock of the real often causes a WAS to reconsider. I find it risky to say "sure, I'll sign the divorce papers" and also to put the house on the market earlier than W had planned, especially given her clearly stated intentions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Talked to W. Said I was sorry for being such a lousy husband. She said I have no husband, that it is best to move on, that she has wasted 20 years of her life.
Said I would no longer accept being insulted, etc. She said she did not care, as I was an empty vessel, never spontaneous, always studying things, trying to become assertive, to get friends, that I had studied her to learn assertiveness. I said this was never my intention. I said well, I guess I should add thank you to my saying sorry.
She said if she hadn't married me I would be a weird little guy, and that only thanks to her did I have good kids. That now she was only waiting to finish the house and sell it.
Bottom line - neither sorry nor no more insults had any effect.
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
W and d15 are home, on vacation, for the next week. I may go to the States in two weeks, and possibly EE again. Lunch club meets for first time next Wednesday.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Bottom line - neither sorry nor no more insults had any effect.
It isn't the telling her you wouldn't accept being insulted any longer that will have an effect, it's the part where you follow through and actually don't accept being insulted anymore.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Luke - this is the first TINY step in a very long walk. A walk that may not even end with your W, but it will end with a new Luke!
My situation is much shorter/different than yours, but the first time I decided to make changes, and talked to my W, she laughed and left. She told me she was done, disgusted by me, she was moving on. She was going to date, she was finally happy, that I had ruined any chance of her ever loving again. I could go on and on.
My point is your W is going to suspect EVERY change you make until it is consistent and independent, much like PM said above. I went back your posts from a few weeks ago and the last few days of posts are much better than then, so you ARE improving. Just keep going.
I know everyone starts out solely focused on getting back their WAS, but keep shifting your goals toward becoming a better Luke.
