I am anxious because H said he is coming back at the end of the week. It's been over two months.
I am anxious of my peace being broken again with his arrival.. With the pain of him leaving again and watching my kids in pain when he does. And my own pain too.
I set boundaries and am praying they are for the right reasons and I really am protecting the kids and myself from the pain. Do I remove the boundaries so that kids get their fill of H? Or continue to limit him coming to the house so that the pain of him leaving is less traumatic? I think the later. In August when he was here it was easier when he left because we did not get into old habits of him having breakfast with us and taking us to school everyday and I Knew he wasn't coming to the house whenever he pleased ( that always gave me hope that he was more and more comfortable in the house) - but he would just leave again with OW back to Dubai.
I am tired of being treated by H so poorly. With so much disgust, yet have been afraid to respond positively to his recent 'niceness' for fear of being blindsided again. So I don't know if I am being my own worst enemy... Again.
I am tired of my kids not being H's emotional priority ( hence the blame on the OW). I am tired of wondering what really happened in H's mind to make H hate me so much. And wondering if everything I thought we had- was my delusion
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Oh, busting, I understand what you going through. I don’t have small kinds, but I feel pain for my son, who is 25 now. H has had no contact with him for months. I feel like I failed my son again by choosing the wrong man to replace his father, who was not interested in him at all when he was little and in all these years after. I know you feel pain for your kids not being your H’s priority. But no matter what you do you cannot change how H behaves now. He needs to figure it out for himself. I think you are right to set the stricter boundaries with H visitations.
I also know what you mean when you question if what you had with H was not real. This is something you are doing subconsciously to protect yourself. I hope that this is just one of the stages of the transition to the happier times. I hope this for myself too. Keep posting and expression your feelings.
Don’t really know what to say about how to react to a “nicer” H, still trying to figure it out for myself. Though in my case it is easier, since he is far away.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I'd say do what is good for you and protects you. If you don't your no good to yourself, children or husband. As a matter of fact you'll be in a bad place, resentful and angry.
What would that look like to you, to be in a position to protect yourself? Punishing him is not the goal, protecting you and your children is.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Busting, stopping by to check on you. I agree with subguy and BF. Also, I would refrain from guessing what's going on in his head. He might act in hateful ways because he feels hated or unworthy of love. Do you think he feels great about himself and what he's done to you? He feels like hell--even if he won't admit it. So his behavior conveys what he has inside...
Love to you, Busting ((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))
Thank you for coming by and giving me your support. I guess there are a few things I need to just sit with, like H's niceness.
As for the boundaries, I am not completely comfortable with them but maybe that's a normal feeling? Also I want to make absolute sure I am doing them for the right reasons. I feel like any boundary that makes him and the kids seeing less of each other is punishment and not fair to the kids ... Not sure.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I'm glad this didn't get lost. In the backstories we create in our heads to explain our WAS' unexplainable decisions, we tend to judge ourselves far more harshly than is fair.
Remember, they are the broken ones, not us. We are the ones doing the hard work.
Acc
I agree Acc. But I also own my part in the demise of my M. I may not have committed a marriage crime but their are things I would've done differently as a husband if I could go back.
I'm sure we all can say that but of course we didn't have the knowledge we have now back then or whenever.
Can only learn from it and try to do the best we can.
Busting, do your best to just maintain a baseline. H can be nice, or H can be mean, Busting is Busting. That's the classic roller coaster and you don't need to ride it.
What you need to protect your kids from is disappointment. That requires helping to manage their expectations, and ensuring the expectations they do have are met.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Busting, it's all about the way you establish boundaries. What matters is that you are consistent. Like Accuray said, it's important that your behavior doesn't depend on your H's behavior. (((((((((((((((())))))))))))
Busting, do your best to just maintain a baseline. H can be nice, or H can be mean, Busting is Busting. That's the classic roller coaster and you don't need to ride it.
What you need to protect your kids from is disappointment. That requires helping to manage their expectations, and ensuring the expectations they do have are met.
acc - thanks for so clearly and succinctly putting this...
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
And sometimes we need this to move even further on our own paths. Protect your kids as Acc says and accept what happens as a way of moving forward.
I've been tacking "Oh isn't that nice?" on the end of everything H does that is kind to remind myself that there is no commitment here, like he is a stranger or a child. Sometimes it makes me smile, because I do it in different accents.
