I agree with 2old That's not to say though that things may change between you in the future, just not now. I keep saying this about my H, I know he's still in a MLC fog and so I tell myself it's not going to be next week.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Thanks TTD180 and 2old. As I said, I am pretty comfortable with my own answers, which by the way are the same as both of yours. Just putting these questions out there.
TTD180: Still no contact with the W. We haven't seen each other, talked or messaged since the discussion about the mortgages back in July. Apart from one silly text I sent a few weeks ago - no reply to that anyway. With regards to Q1. She will know the address, it is our house we own. Me telling her won't make a difference to how I feel. The difference would have been if she asked, rather than being told. Her reaction: again it depends on whether she is in a relationship. But I would expect that her reaction would be great, I don't have to see him (not that she does) and more than likely she would be able to focus on being a single person without much history that she would need to explain to people.
2old: I expect the same kind of response from the W. If I contact her, she will start to think again about the solicitor. My W is definitely in her own world and presumably quite happy also without me.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
One of the biggest questions I ask myself (and am sure everyone does) is, have I done everything I could/should have? For the last 3 months, no contact from the W, nothing. In that time I sent one text saying "I miss you heaps". This is my thorn in the rose so to speak. While I am moving on and improving myself, this simple no contact by the W is my mountain to get over, and I don't know how to do it. I get no info about the W from sons or anyone else (not that I am expecting it), but simply have no idea what she is up to or doing. So I ask myself, should I keep up the NC, should I do something else, or should I simply just give up?
Again, I am just thinking out aloud and won't be making any rash decisions.
I finished with my DB coach a while ago, as no progress was being made with the W, but have been wondering lately whether to have one more call before moving back home?
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
HWA, I'm going thru the same thing. WAW hasnt initiated any contact now for 2 months. What contact we did have was by me by email and she did respond but you could tell she was forcing herself. My last contact to her was her bday back in mid september, a simple emailed Happy bday wish and she did thank me. Since there has been nothing and much to my surprise she opted to ignore my bday 3 weeks after hers.
The only option here HWA is to stay n/c. Nothing you can say to her is going to make a difference. She has got to be the one to speak up if she wants to this much I now realize. I am done contacting my WAW it's been a month and I know nothing I say will bring anything of any value.
A female friend had gone thru the same thing with her H. She finally went silent and it was 7 or 8 months later her H finally peeked out and spoke up. They are still trying to see if things will work out.....
So I ask myself, should I keep up the NC, should I do something else, or should I simply just give up?
3 months of NC is a long time. Remember cheeseless tunnels, in DB'ing you're supposed to reevaluate your progress now and then, and keep doing what works and stop doing what doesn't work. I don't think another month or 6 months or year of NC is going to "improve" your position any, so at this point you may want to reach out. That does NOT mean sending her "I miss you heaps" though. You've got to crawl before you can walk and walk before you can run! Maybe something like "hey, haven't talked to you in a while, I hope you are doing well!" Your goal for now should be to establish a friendship, nothing more.
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I finished with my DB coach a while ago, as no progress was being made with the W, but have been wondering lately whether to have one more call before moving back home?
I think you should try something new/ different with your W, and a coach can help you determine what that should be, so yes I think it's a good idea.
Very good point...A lesson learned...I just wonder though alot of things said here in DB mention going dark until the squirrel draws near otherwise might be spooked...Some have mentioned staying dark indefinately. Personally I hate n/c but if your getting nowhere do you indeed peek out say every three months or so?
IMHO: WAIT!! - and see what happens at the upcoming party!
BUT: If you decide to call her then the party could be the reason. Perhaps you could suggest doing something together (gift, song, speech - whatever...that would also be a good thing for your sons)
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
AS, I have felt that the MWD books view on trying something different is about due. You are right about sending her a text, something a little bit better than "I miss you heaps".
Again, is going dark and n/c, helping me, even if very slowly?
F, funny you should say wait for the party to be over. That's exactly what I was going to do with the DB coach. Wait and see what the party brings and go from there. I still don't even know if the W is going to the party or not. Remember for us to go, we would have to fly there, I bought tickets for me.
Remember also everyone, in 8 weeks time I will be moving over 1000klms away from the W, and she hasn't even asked whether I got a transfer or not. Not to mention, me moving could be the best thing for her and her EA/PA friend?
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Just a little bit more time to think about above comments. In some ways I am scared/worried about the cheeseless tunnels. While I know where I am in the sitch isn't a great place, in someways it feels better than trying to contact her and get nothing in return. It's the getting used to no expectations that is the normal now, but if I start to text, then I will start to get my expectations up.
If that makes sense.
Its a bit like: the devil I do, the devil I don't
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Who knows what to do "shrugs". You think you're doing everything right, then something comes along to throw a spanner in the works!
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
That's not to say though that things may change between you in the future, just not now. I keep saying this about my H, I know he's still in a MLC fog and so I tell myself it's not going to be next week.