Do I tell her how I feel 1 year on?

[AnotherStander]

Bug has it right. Unless you are in a place where you can hear every possible answer and not let it affect your path in any way, then I would advise against it.

But, sometimes we just gotta know some things to make that next big step. I also know that you should be continuing on your own path regardless, but the simple truth is that we love theses people. While detachment is the ultimate goal, there is no timeline on how long they stay in our hearts and, yes, to some extent, affect our lives.

^^^Great wisdom here!

The problem with temperature checking is in the process you disclose to your spouse that you're still waiting. Part of their healing process is that they have to feel the loss of you, and if you keep reminding them you're waiting they may never feel the loss and never get to the point of wanting the M again. Plus when you temperature check you will only know how your spouse feels at that moment in time. Their feelings can change very quickly, so a "no" today may be a "yes" tomorrow. IE, there's really no point in doing a temperature check because you can't depend on the response.

That said, as Ruby mentioned sometimes LBS's need to temperature check and hear that "no" to help them move on and become fully detached. So if you do it, do it for you.

[LJC]

Hey Guys/Girls

Thanks for the response you've all given

I'm going to think long and hard before I do or say anything. The thing that is driving me nuts is I'm constantly thinking about my W whether I'm at work, watching tv or doing housework. Also, there hasn't been no mention of D although this would prob come if she met OM?

I think the question has to be asked, I understand what you've all said on this thread but I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if I don't ask the question! Part of me hopes that she's at her house with my kids dying for me to approach her and ask for another chance but I know that is very much wishful thinking on my behalf

If ever I do ask her, I will post how I got on.

Thanks again

Lee

[LJC]

Journal

I've virtually convinced myself that I have to tell my W how I feel. I've taken on board what you guys have posted and it sounds like 'temp checking' really isn't a good idea but and its a big but I think I need to hear what I expect to hear from my W so I can move forward. That sounds crazy doesn't it!?

Recently we have had pleasant text conversation mainly involving the kids. I'd sometimes send her a pic of what me and the kids are upto. I did exactly that last weekend and she replied with "looks fun maybe next time I could come along"? Not looking into it to much, but she has never replied with anything like that before!

We have been S for virtually a year, a year! In that time I've gone thru hell, maybe she has as well(?) and prob 3/4 months ago I accepted that we prob won't R, so why all of a sudden do I feel like this? Is it because of the milestone?

I know its against the rules but has anyone temp checked? If so I'd like some pointers on what/what not to write.

England play tonite so I'm going out to watch the game to get me out of the house.

Thanks Guys/Gals

[Fartiltre]

That sounds crazy doesn't it!?

YES

Recently we have had pleasant text conversation mainly involving the kids.

Are you ready to risk backsliding from this?
Don’t tell her and don’t ask her about feelings or future!
Do as she suggested instead – heck, she told you what to do!!! Invite her over next time and stay off the R-talk!

I know its against the rules but has anyone temp checked? If so I'd like some pointers on what/what not to write.

Can’t help you on this one! I have temp-checked several times and the only thing I got was W validating her own feelings.

If you do it I hope for the best. I understand your urge to do this but I still recommend that you don’t!

F

[JayMan]

"looks fun maybe next time I could come along"

This is big. If it were me, I'd not temperature check, but invite her along. If she goes, say NOTHING about relationship, and just show her what a great fun awesome guy she's been missing for a year.

Again, I'm great at giving advice, and then completely not following it, so just another thought to consider.

[AnotherStander]

I've virtually convinced myself that I have to tell my W how I feel. I've taken on board what you guys have posted and it sounds like 'temp checking' really isn't a good idea but and its a big but I think I need to hear what I expect to hear from my W so I can move forward. That sounds crazy doesn't it!?

No, it doesn't sound crazy. It's what Ruby and I mentioned up above, sometimes the LBS needs to see the door slam in their face before they can effectively move on. Unfortunately that's what's going to happen, so just prepare for it. If your W were even remotely interested in reconciliation, she would let you know.

In that time I've gone thru hell, maybe she has as well(?)

She probably has (most WAS's do) but she's not growing like you. She's going through difficult times, but she's either not moving forward or is doing so at a snail's pace. Growth for the WAS comes much slower than it does for the LBS.

and prob 3/4 months ago I accepted that we prob won't R, so why all of a sudden do I feel like this? Is it because of the milestone?

This is what we mean by "cycling". You think you're in a certain place only to find emotions that you thought were behind you suddenly come bubbling up all over again. It's best not to act on the emotions, but rather, let them roll on through until you get back to center.

I know its against the rules but has anyone temp checked? If so I'd like some pointers on what/what not to write.

Oh yes, almost everyone here has done it, usually early in the sitch (first few months). My pointers on what not to write- any of it. If you really have to do it then talk to her, don't send it in an email or text. Too impersonal. My advice is DO NOT tell her how you feel. Just ask her how she feels. Again I'll say I don't think it's a good idea and I think you're going to be very disappointed with the answer, but do it if you feel you must for YOU to detach.

[hotwheelsaust]

LJC, we are both very close to the same timeframe. My W did the bomb drop on the 24th Oct 12, and moved out on the 5th Dec 12. So I know where you are at.
I also so much want to temp check, but the reality is, I am not going to get an answer. I have gotten close (not yet there) to accepting the W has no intention of talking to me at this stage.
Like AS said, we cycle, we go through times of it's over, to, maybe we can work something out. The time frame changes: days, weeks and months.
I also feel that we the LBS do improve ourselves at a better and faster rate than the WAS does.
Does all this stuff help? Most of the times, no it doesn't. It doesn't stop me from being upset she left, or that she walked away without me knowing how much pain she was in.
What is has done though, is make me think about how difficult it would be to have her come back at this stage of our sitch.
I am growning, now I have to let my W grow. We may come back together down the track, but I cannot force her to move any faster than what she wants to do.
My view, and I will probably ask the same question on my topic in a few weeks, but, I think you should not contact her at all about your feelings. If you are lucky enough to have conversations with her (unlike me) then validate, validate and validate more.

[LJC]

As always, thanks for the replies

I didn't bother going out to watch the football lastnite as the weather was awful so I stayed in and watched it. I knew my W was going to be out as it's her brothers birthday so the chances of bumping into her was going to be high, when I dropped the kids of to her yesterday evening she mentioned her brother was coming down if I was interested in going for a drink. Part of me hoped this was an indirect invitation from her but I think she was just being nice.

After the football I did draft an email to my W. Below is what I came up with, there is a small intro to the letter but this is the main bulk of it. I've tried to word it so it doesn't sound needy, begging or to give me one last chance it just tells her how I feel.

"I'm gonna come out and say it as all to often I beat around the bush - I'm still very much in love with you. I know this is something I have to own and live with but I hope you understand I had to tell you that. The truth is I've always loved you, I've tried so hard to move on, I thought if I could meet someone else it would take the pressure off our relationship, people would stop asking them damn awkward questions but in truth I never wanted to go and meet other women, all I was doing was trying to replace you but deep down I didn't want to replace you - I wanted you.

The reason I'm telling you how I feel is because I don't want to live to regret not telling you. You know the question we all ask 'What if'. What if I didn't tell you how I feel? I guess I'd have to learn how to deal with how I feel but along time has gone past without you and I still feel like I do.

I'm sorry I've brought this up, I've tried to think how it would effect how we are with one another after writing it but only the future can tell us that! I really hope you understand why I had to tell you - these feelings for you have literally consumed my life over the past weeks and months where it has been driving me crazy."

I don't have a set date when I would send it but I have the kids this weekend so if anything it would wait till Monday, a stay of execution if like!

Any advice would be great but for now thanks once again for all your time on my thread

[hotwheelsaust]

I've tried so hard to move on, I thought if I could meet someone else it would take the pressure off our relationship, people would stop asking them damn awkward questions but in truth I never wanted to go and meet other women, all I was doing was trying to replace you but deep down I didn't want to replace you - I wanted you.

Whether you send the email or not, that is your call. But these sentences are not going to help your cause at all, even if she knew you were doing this. My two cents worth.

[LJC]

Journal - 12 months ago today it all started to go very wrong

Had the kids yesterday but at some point I had to look after my Niece (6) and Nephew (3) as well as my kids so we did some fun stuff like go feed the ducks and goto the park. After I dropped them off I took my kids home as i had planned to go greyhound racing that evening. I felt a little hard done by because It didn't feel like I had quality time with MY kids so I texted the W asking if I could see them again today which she agreed as she hadn't anything planned because the weather was expected to be so poor (rain).

Today I spoke to W as she wasn't sure what time to send the kids round. I said I needed to go to the shops to buy a few things and she asked cheekily if I could grab her some milk as she forgot, I cheerfully agreed and said when I drop it off the kids could come back with me which worked out well. I had the kids to myself which was great as we made cupcakes for everyone, the majority were going home with them but that didn't matter as I got great pics and vids of the 2 of them mixing and generally making a mess! S4 loves playing Lego Batman on the PS3 so we went and done that while D10 caught up on all the weekends programs that she missed. I only had them for 5 hours or so but the time flew by and we all had fun.

As it says at the top of the Journal this time 12 months ago it all started to go very wrong and in 2 days time it will be exactly a year since BD. I feel so down at the moment and getting really fed up of trying to be the cheery me and showing everyone that everything is alright. Under my skin it's far from alright I just want to lock myself away. In my head I keep going over 'if only I did that different' and 'what if I did/didn't do that" we'd still be together, poss unhappy but not separated and trying to get the M back on track!

I haven't sent that email, I think maybe that's something that needs to be said face to face. If I bottle that then the draft above needs some serious editing! Either way I'm looking at year 2 separated