Me 11 months on.

[TryingToDo180]

So mixed emotions then? Glad you got the transfer you wanted It's not all bad though, she could still want a R in the future and may move to where you are going to be. A fresh start for both of you

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks TTD180. It is still very mixed emotions, as much as I know the separation is all her choice, it still feels like I have chosen to walk away from her with this transfer. I am not focusing on it as being me the one to walk away, just simply an emotion around it.
I would have stayed if there was a glimmer of hope from her. But with no contact from her for so long, I cannot make the choice to stay, but to move on and make me a better person. To also spend more quality time with my sons.

In saying that, just a few questions to everyone.
1. When I tell my boys I am transferring, do I also mention that I cannot stay when the W isn't interested? Or do I say that I have tried all I could while in the country, but have come back for them (my boys)? Or not mention the W at all, just simply say I am coming home?
2. Should I tell the W about the transfer? If so, how should I mention it? Letter, email, phone (though she probably wont answer) or organise a face to face meeting?

These are just questions in my mind, not things that I necessarily want to do now. Just thinking ahead.

[Fartiltre]

These are just questions in my mind, not things that I necessarily want to do now. Just thinking ahead.

I believe that planning and thinking ahead is a good thing so IMO just keep on doing that!

1. When I tell my boys I am transferring, do I also mention that I cannot stay when the W isn't interested? Or do I say that I have tried all I could while in the country, but have come back for them (my boys)? Or not mention the W at all, just simply say I am coming home?

I wouldn’t mention W at all! As I have read you: You are looking forward to coming back to the city, your house, your bike and so on but most importantly your boys.
Every time you mention W in front of your son’s you risk putting blame on her. If you mention W not being interested you are doing exactly that. Don’t go down that road.

2. Should I tell the W about the transfer? If so, how should I mention it? Letter, email, phone (though she probably wont answer) or organise a face to face meeting?

IMO No! If she contacts you then tell her otherwise don’t. She will know shortly after you tell this to the world anyway.
If at some point you tell her then remember that you did this for you, to move on with your life – not because she hasn’t shown interest yet.

Stay on the path!


F

[TryingToDo180]

I agree with Fartiltre here When I read your original post without seeing F's reply then I was thinking how to reply it myself. F said what I was going to say
I wouldn't make a big song and dance about it with the boys. Just tell them that you're coming home and leave it at that
A bit of you must be excited with this new venture and it's a brand new start for you When do you move?

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks F and TTD180. Your answers are the way I was thinking about those questions. Again amazing how our change happens in the sitch's.
I am sure once the boy's know I am transferring, then she will be told by one of them. That is fine. They do know I applied many months ago for the transfer.
With regards to talking to the boy's about why the transfer, I don't want to put any blame on the W. But I do kind of want to state my position in this sitch and how I have tried so many different ways. Yes, I agree I shouldn't still say anything, it is just that horrible sense of feeling that if one of the boys ask many years down the track, it is only then that they might understand what I have tried to do. I get the feeling at this time, it is simply "mum left because of dad" and that's it.

*****But don't worry, no talk to the boys about anything other than the transfer. No discussion why I am not staying, nor discussion about the W**********

I am getting so much better at all of this now. Still sad, still sorry, still wish the W would do something....anything, but also realising the reality of our marriage.

[hotwheelsaust]

Sorry TTD180, I didn't answer your questions.

A bit of you must be excited with this new venture and it's a brand new start for you When do you move?

Yes, a bit of me is very excited to be going back home, don't see it as too much of a new start. Some things will be new, more I will be seeing me as a new person. When do I move? Don't have exact dates yet, because of the tenants in the house. At this stage I finish school on the 13th December and generally we are expected to move out within a few days of that date. All our belongings, would have or should have, been picked up by the moving company employed by the education department. The tenants are contracted until the 24th January, but are aware of the situation, and have been for the last two years, and have advised they will probably leave around the end of November. So hopefully I will finish up here on the 13th, and literally move straight into the house. Then spend most of my holidays unpacking and getting my stuff that has been stored at different people's houses.
At least I will be busy.

[Fartiltre]

HWA,

But I do kind of want to state my position in this sitch and how I have tried so many different ways. Yes, I agree I shouldn't still say anything, it is just that horrible sense of feeling that if one of the boys ask many years down the track, it is only then that they might understand what I have tried to do. I get the feeling at this time, it is simply "mum left because of dad" and that's it.

You had me worried there for a moment, but then I read the below!

*****But don't worry, no talk to the boys about anything other than the transfer. No discussion why I am not staying, nor discussion about the W

I understand you so well – I have the same thoughts! This is about you (and me) being able to look at ourselves and say. I did all I could! I did wrong while we were married and there was not a place in Ws heart for another chance or forgiveness. I have forgiven myself and her!
If we can do that we will be all right and our children won’t need to know anything.
I know you read Bug’s piecing post – nothing is determined until you call it!

I am getting so much better at all of this now.

You have come such a long way the last 3 months or so and reading the above is great. I won’t even try to guess how you would have handled this a while ago!

Your post in LJC’s thread…..

Though the difference in me is a few months or weeks ago I would have been struggling with this question, now it is just simply a question.

…also shows this!

I think you are doing so well.

Still sad, still sorry, still wish the W would do something....anything, but also realising the reality of our marriage.

That’s exactly how I feel these days. I feel sad and sorry but the hurt from 2 months ago is much less these days.

Cows and sheeps – we will come out all right on the other side! What ever happens!

All the best!

F

[TryingToDo180]

I am getting so much better at all of this now. Still sad, still sorry, still wish the W would do something....anything, but also realising the reality of our marriage.

I feel like this as well and I think that it's worse when you've got events coming up like birthdays and Christmas. I wish that my H would realise the importance of marriage and family. Keep working on yourself as I'm trying to do, it's all us LBS can do at the mo I've recommended a book on my thread if you want to pop over and have a look I'm getting away from relationship help books at the mo to concentrate on me!

[AnotherStander]

1. When I tell my boys I am transferring, do I also mention that I cannot stay when the W isn't interested? Or do I say that I have tried all I could while in the country, but have come back for them (my boys)? Or not mention the W at all, just simply say I am coming home?

Don't mention W, make it all about the boys. You're coming back for them, because you miss them and want to spend more time with them. I mean it's the truth, but they may not know it. So tell them. WAS's need to be shown actions, not words, but that doesn't apply to your boys. They need words backed up by actions.

2. Should I tell the W about the transfer? If so, how should I mention it? Letter, email, phone (though she probably wont answer) or organise a face to face meeting?

Do your boys still live with W? If so, I'm sure as part of this you're hoping to see them more. That will no doubt involve some coordination with your W. I would let her know. Just send her an email and keep it brief- "just wanted to let you know I'm relocating back to the area". That will break the ice for further communications later regarding the boys.

[Fartiltre]

AS,

As I recall HWAs boys doesn’t live with his W and there have been almost no comm what so ever (including boys) for a long time.

F