Me 11 months on.

[Fartiltre]

HWA,

What are your own thoughts on this issue?

F

[JuneReN]

Congrats on the transfer :)))

[AnotherStander]

But at times it has been made or offered that friends with benefits could be a possibility. How to deal with that??
Do I take up the friends with benefit offer, or continue to wait for my W.......to do what? Do I wait until a divorce is given? Or do I go with the view that I still love my wife, but, there is a good chance she is in a relationship or if not, she has made no effort to even look at us being a couple again. Do I not take up the option and miss out on some closeness that I am so missing?

First, don't "wait" for your W. Standing isn't waiting. It's moving on with your life while leaving the door open to possible reconciliation.

Second, it's strictly up to you as to whether you want to engage in a new R, and what the nature of that R is. I tend to agree with T that if you want closeness, you're probably not going to get it in a FWB R, so keep that in mind. My personal take on D is that the "real" D happens a long time before the paperwork version, so I haven't let the lack of the paperwork D (which is currently underway) dissuade me from dating. But each person has a different take on this, so you've got to decide what yours is.

[hotwheelsaust]

T1000, I am still caught up in my wife. Therefore I wonder if going this way would help me getting over her?
The friend isn't insisting of benefits, more the way of mutual thoughts it could go that way.
I still think that I haven't seen or heard from the wife for 3 months, apart from my one text that wasn't replied. I haven't seen or heard from any of her family or the good friend for even longer. My comment about waiting for the wife was more tongue in cheek, rather than a feeling.

[hotwheelsaust]

My thoughts on the friend. We have been very close for more than 10 years. She has known my wife that long as well. all our visits have been the wife and I together, so I suppose she knows the wife quite well.
The friend is quite peeved off with the wife and family and their behaviour. The friend is very supportive and the benefit thing may simply be imagination running wild. What do I think about it. Scared and worried, as it feels that what ever action I take I seem to be the bad person in the marriage, or whatever it is now. The wife could be in a relationship with this other woman since day one, but as soon as I find someone, then typical me doing the wrong thing - not even divorced yet. While I am not so worried about her families views as much, both my boys are with them quite a lot and could hear a lot of stuff.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks Ruby.

[hotwheelsaust]

AS, the wait for the wife comment was a tongue in cheek moment, rather than should I wait for her.
I wouldn't have agreed with you about the divorce happens way before the paperwork a few weeks ago, but would agree with you know.
I can only speculate my wife wants nothing to do with me or our marriage at all. It is probably to her benefit that I leave the country and go back to the city.
As for the friend with benefits, then it is simple, I won't be initiating anything, and will have to think carefully if or when an offer comes.

[Wonka]

HWA,

I fought and fought with full self-awareness of getting on that slipper slope. It takes every ounce of strength and self-control not to slip. Back then, I recognized the reasons for wanting to date again so soon...it was because I felt lonely and needy. Not very good reasons to date again, eh.

You want to date because you feel good about yourself and ready to give again. I suspect that your cup is pretty empty now and might not be able to give yourself to another woman. Even as "friends with benefits." In that case, it may leave an unpleasant aftertaste in your mouth.

Just something to think about as it will involve other people.
Would that be fair to them?

[hotwheelsaust]

Just an update on the holidays.
Got my tax done, the wife was booked to be there but she didn't turn up. Decided to be very civil and allow half the investments to be claimed for her tax as well, even though I have paid for everything since the BD.
Spent some dinner time with both boys, and then individual time with them also. Importantly no discussion about the wife with them at all. Still disappointed either didn't ask about me, the holiday in Melbourne or even if I am transferring.
Organised some trees to be removed from the house I am coming back to, also new gates and the roof steam cleaned. All able to be claimed on next years tax.

Couple of questions to ask.
1. How do I prepare myself for seeing the wife and her family at my sons 21st at the end of the month? Especially when I don't get any practice at this. My personal view is act neighbourly, if asked mention I do not want to discuss anything apart from how are you, and that reply will always be "great". But I know my emotions will be hard to control outwardly, not anger emotion more tearing up emotion.
2 when should I tell the boys about my transfer? At this stage I haven't because the wife will then probably find out, and while it shouldn't change anything, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach about her finding out could cause issues.
3 didn't ever believe I would be at this point in my marriage, but the BD is 12months in 3 weeks time.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks Wonka for the input. I would probably tend to agree with you. Generally it was just something I brought up to get peoples views. In all honesty I would still thinking too much about the missus to enjoy myself anyway.