The other thing is that I am freaking out cause I now know that he is looking for an apartment and now
Well, I know it's difficult (having been through it myself) but just try to maintain a PMA and keep focusing on yourself and the kids. Try to accept that he is moving out and develop a game plan for the transition. My IC told me that once I got used to my "new normal" after S that things would be a lot better, and that a lot of the anxiety over it was due to fear of the unknown. She was totally right.
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He just said that he is thinking about taking the kids with him to his parents 5 hours away: what do I think?
It's time to start negotiating the details of custody since he's moving out. Traditionally one parent gets the kids for Thanksgiving and the other for Christmas, then the next year they swap those dates. My W and I worked it out a little differently last year, over Thanksgiving break I had the kids two days and she had them the other two. Over Christmas we actually had the gift exchange at my house together. Think about what you want to do for these dates and discuss it with your H.
You'll want to work out the weekly custody schedule too.
When you have these discussions it's really important to not have an emotional breakdown! Be as businesslike about it as you can. If you can both keep cool heads then the negotiation will go much smoother, plus you're showing your H that the two of you can engage in difficult conversations without it turning ugly (very important from a DB'ing perspective).
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But what I really want are my kids.
They are his kids too. You've got to change your mindset, you're going to be coparenting now. This isn't you against your H, this is the two of you coordinating things to make it as painless and seamless as possible.
I agree with Pudmuddle, ask the kids what they want to do. If they want to go with there father, let them. I understand how hard it would be but some time away from each other could be a good thing. It could be viewed as a 180 and take him by surprise.
Take that time to do something for your self, what do you want to do but never have time to because of the kids?
How about volunteering to serve thanksgiving dinner to the less fortunate? Selfless acts does wonders for the self esteem!
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
Me 37 H 37 D9 D6 M9/ T12 ILYBINILWY 05/2013 Asked to S 06/13 Said he wants to S for sure 08/13 Said that he's looking for a place (Sept 17/13) No ring on his finger (Sept 19/13)
I don't know if I have the best advice here fmf, but maybe my replying will bump up the thread.
My first thought was, what would the kids want? where would they want to be? And they probably would want both of you there.
I'm not sure, that is a tough one. I haven't even stepped out of my zone to begin thinking of holidays! good grief.
They don't know what's going on yet. But my eldest already said to my MIL that she cannot wait to go there for thanksgiving. That's all she knows, it's always has been this way.
Me 37 H 37 D9 D6 M9/ T12 ILYBINILWY 05/2013 Asked to S 06/13 Said he wants to S for sure 08/13 Said that he's looking for a place (Sept 17/13) No ring on his finger (Sept 19/13)
Well, I know it's difficult (having been through it myself) but just try to maintain a PMA and keep focusing on yourself and the kids. Try to accept that he is moving out and develop a game plan for the transition. My IC told me that once I got used to my "new normal" after S that things would be a lot better, and that a lot of the anxiety over it was due to fear of the unknown. She was totally right.
Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to the point when I am ok with all of this. Thank you for telling me that there will be a new normal cause it's hard to see that it is possible especially when I am hurting. Now I know that a new normal is coming. I will keep saying this to myself
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It's time to start negotiating the details of custody since he's moving out. Traditionally one parent gets the kids for Thanksgiving and the other for Christmas, then the next year they swap those dates. My W and I worked it out a little differently last year, over Thanksgiving break I had the kids two days and she had them the other two. Over Christmas we actually had the gift exchange at my house together. Think about what you want to do for these dates and discuss it with your H.
I will take my notepad and start thinking about this before this conversation with h. My eldest will want to go for sure , don't want to break her heart.
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When you have these discussions it's really important to not have an emotional breakdown! Be as businesslike about it as you can. If you can both keep cool heads then the negotiation will go much smoother, plus you're showing your H that the two of you can engage in difficult conversations without it turning ugly (very important from a DB'ing perspective).
Keep a cool head. Got it....
Thank you AS
Me 37 H 37 D9 D6 M9/ T12 ILYBINILWY 05/2013 Asked to S 06/13 Said he wants to S for sure 08/13 Said that he's looking for a place (Sept 17/13) No ring on his finger (Sept 19/13)
AS gave you great advice. I remember the first few weeks when my kids were gone from Monday through Wednesday and I thought I would die from missing them. However, I soon learned to maximize the quality of my time and not worry about quantity. I spent my time without kids getting housework and cleaning done so when I got kids, we could focus on homework, chores, going to the park, camping, games, etc. They helped me make dinner, learned to do laundry, and lots more.
I literally got to the point where I enjoyed the downtime, and used it to work on hobbies, read, enjoy time with friends, etc.
I agree with Pudmuddle, ask the kids what they want to do. If they want to go with there father, let them. I understand how hard it would be but some time away from each other could be a good thing. It could be viewed as a 180 and take him by surprise.[quote]
I have been thinking about it, and when I think of the kids, I know that they will want to go, so I will say ok
[quote]Take that time to do something for your self, what do you want to do but never have time to because of the kids? [quote]
Maybe hang out with friends that I have not seen for a while. Or GAL with my sister
[quote]How about volunteering to serve thanksgiving dinner to the less fortunate? Selfless acts does wonders for the self esteem!
What a great idea to do on thanksgiving. Will look into it. Thank you maritimer
Me 37 H 37 D9 D6 M9/ T12 ILYBINILWY 05/2013 Asked to S 06/13 Said he wants to S for sure 08/13 Said that he's looking for a place (Sept 17/13) No ring on his finger (Sept 19/13)
AS gave you great advice. I remember the first few weeks when my kids were gone from Monday through Wednesday and I thought I would die from missing them. However, I soon learned to maximize the quality of my time and not worry about quantity. I spent my time without kids getting housework and cleaning done so when I got kids, we could focus on homework, chores, going to the park, camping, games, etc. They helped me make dinner, learned to do laundry, and lots more.
I literally got to the point where I enjoyed the downtime, and used it to work on hobbies, read, enjoy time with friends, etc.
Keep your chin up!
Thank you JonF,
I agree that quality time is most important. I guess the most important thing will be to get through the first few weeks. Like I said I wish there was a fast forward button and a skip button. I don't know what I would be doing without this forum. I thought that I was going crazy and now I am starting to calm down and know that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel and I know this because of you guys.
Me 37 H 37 D9 D6 M9/ T12 ILYBINILWY 05/2013 Asked to S 06/13 Said he wants to S for sure 08/13 Said that he's looking for a place (Sept 17/13) No ring on his finger (Sept 19/13)
I am sorry, I know how hard this is. Always keep in mind that no matter how angry/hurt/sad/broken you feel towards H, you must separate those feelings out when dealing with the kids. You are aware of the impact of D on them and you are worried about the long-term affects; there is no way to remove all of the pain and hurt but if they can see you and H still being kind to each other, not using them as pawns, interacting when the kids leave/come home it will be the best of a horrible situation.
Keep going to your IC and get whatever help you need to get through this. You never know how it will turn it out..
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
I am starting to calm down and know that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel and I know this because of you guys.
Sounds like you are making some progress, glad to hear this. Keep working on yourself and moving forward for YOU, you will continue to cycle and their is so much to learn.
