NEW LIFE / NEW ME - TAKING OFF!

[MrBond]

sandi,

Here's someone that could use your insight.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2389087&page=3

Sorry for the hijack Fartlitre

[Fartiltre]

Bond,

That’s totally all right! …and by the way: I totally agree!
I have been following the thread and reading the posts reminded me of Good Old England.

Feel free to post in my thread – hijack or not!

F

[Fartiltre]

Weekend is almost gone and tomorrow Ds leave once again. We have talked a little about “missing” today and I have told them that this is completely understandable and all right.
I have also promised D6 to contact W and ask if she can stay here from Tuesday till Wednesday

It has been a nice weekend! I have been a little too tired properly because I have slept too little and because of the medication. I still feel I am getting better and better at this and I feel my love for the kids grow every time I see them.

That’s a nice feeling these days.

There has been no contact with W since the text yesterday. (Crazy sentence when trying to be dim but that’s the case!)

With the calendar/exchangeserver-thing solved I am considering sending W an email. It is hard to translate but I have tried. It is properly a little nicer in my native than it comes out in English.

Hey

I hope you had a nice weekend.
D6 has talked a little about missing a few times but otherwise she has been laughing and enjoying. She would like for me to pick her up Tuesday and I have promised her to talk to you about it. If it is OK with you I will do it and then drop her off at school Wednesday morning. You can just put some clothing in her schoolbag.
She has complained about some trousers and I have told her to talk to you about it. I did that the last time as well but it seems like she forgot.


I need to follow up on a few subjects and they follow below:

I regards of our talk about Ds appointments it is my understanding that we have agreed upon not booking anything in each other’s time without this being accepted.
Furthermore I understood that you will move your exchange account in nearest future.

I will adjust child support according to the mail from XX
I have deducted half the heating bill and thereby X from child support Y and I will transfer the difference.
Thereby I will also pay the bill.
If you disagree then let me know.

I have mailed you a couple of time regarding some items of mine that you have – will you please look into this soon?

Last a little about Christmas and New Year
We haven’t discussed this and it is properly best done on the phone but I will give you my thought and then we can discuss it next time we talk. I would like this clarified rather quickly.
I would like for the Ds and S10 to celebrate Christmas every second year and that means it is my hope that Ds can stay at my place for Christmas this year and at your for New Year. Next year we change.
I don’t believe switching on Christmas day (24) and first Christmas day(25) is good for the children.

S10 is home from 20.december till 27.december – properly with a short stay at XW1 since she would like to see him.

Ds are supposed to be at my place from 18. December, but if you would like to see then a day before Christmas that’s totally understandable and we can work it out so they can stay at your place 22. And/or 23. December.

We can switch on 2. Christmas day (26). That will give you a birthday morning every second year and a birthday evening every second year. We can also do the switch on 3. Christmas day (27) – that will give you a full birthday every second year.

According to plans we switch on 1. January. If you have plans we can work something out and if you would like for me to have them, just let me know.

Just my thoughts!

Talk to you soon!

F

[T1000]

Hi F,

Just had quick read of your letter. iirc your W was thinking that xmas was going to be spent together???
If this is the case and your looking for a completely different path (which I understand). Sending an email as wordy as this one might not be the best course.
If she is going to spew lava, the majority of the message will go unread and your reasonings and justifications ignored. It comes across as a lot of convincing.

I'm not saying don't send it. I'm just pointing out what I see.

Any thoughts about if she says no I want them xmas day?

[Fartiltre]

T,

Thanks! It’s just me again! I just want it all done at once! You are totally on the same line as Kate, Sandi and Adinva. – I won’t send it but take it bit by bit over the coming weeks.

iirc your W was thinking that xmas was going to be spent together???

Yes she has mentioned this several times before she moved out. She also mentioned spending New Years Evening together with the friends we have done this with for the last 6-7 years.
I guess she is still on this path but I am not. Mindreading, I know!

Any thoughts about if she says no I want them xmas day?

Then I will have them next year and children won’t be able to spend Christmas together. Rules on this one here is one year at one place and then switch. I don’t believe she will do this – I even can’t imagine it but if it happens I will state my opinions and properly consider taking it to the gov. department.

I'm not saying don't send it. I'm just pointing out what I see.

Yes, you are and after thinking once again – I totally agree! I need to change this behavior! I do this all the time with everybody!
Your points are taken – thanks a lot!


F

[Fartiltre]

S10 is ill so I went to drop of the Ds this morning. These Mondays are hard on me. My feelings are on the outside of my body and I am not sure if I am able to hide it from the children.

After dropping the Ds off I went by Ws house to drop off the bags. Normally she is not at home but today she was. The door was open. I knocked and waited on the stairs. I didn’t enter.

When she came to the door she started out by asking if I am sick? (I know she has met up with mutual friends in the weekend and they have properly told her.)
I told her about the penicillin resistant Staphylococcus that doctors suspect I have due to the surgery. I kept it businesslike and answered her questions.

Then I asked about D6 coming here tomorrow and she agreed. I also told her about the trousers that D6 doesn’t like to wear – she have had the same experience and said she will do something about it.

I was just about to ask about the money-issue (the heating bill) or the things of mine that she have in her possession but then she asked:
“Shouldn’t we do something with the children together in nearest future?”

I hate to admit it but once again I was caught off guard so my answers weren’t that clear and I might have come out somewhat weak and indecisive.
I remember her statements quite clearly but not all of my answers. In fact I don’t believe I answered it all.
I stated 2-3 times that I will give it a thought.
I was much better at eyecontact this time.
I kept my voice low, slow and kind all the way through
I did keep my ground and she kept coming:

“We promised them that we would still be a family when we told them we wouldn’t be together anymore.”
“That’s what we promised them”
These came more than once

“We are parents - We have children together”

“I have seen them more with XW1 than with you and they enjoy themselves”
To this one I answered “I know since I see it when I have them”

“They see us ripped apart”
To this one I answered: “Well, isn’t that’s what we are”
She didn’t comment but I got her dragon eyes on this one.

“It’s been almost two months since they saw us together”
“It could be on neutral grounds if you don’t feel like coming here or having me come to your place”
“It could just be for an hour or so”

She also said something about the children hurting and thinking. I told that I think D6 is hurting but also that D4 isn’t that bad.

I guess it lasted for 8-10 min. in total.
I ended the convo by telling her that I had to return to S10.
At final she told me to think about it once again and come back to her.

I need to get back to her on this one. I guess I will just tell her, once again, that I do not believe this meeting up will do any good for the children right now.
I will wait a few days doing this and go over it in my head. I think she will come at me when I turn her request down.

[labug]

Hi F, I wanted to respond to you here.

Labug,
Of course I would seek advice and help and of course everything is not nefarious (nice word by the way – had to look it up smile ) Everybody is doing that – and should!
In my somewhat inexperienced opinion, Ts wife have shown rather threatening behavior several times. She has tried to gain control by this. I read her words as somewhat different and thereby thought this was evidence of her being beyond threatening this time. With her history (sorry for attacking your W, T!) a lot of all this could be BS but if she is having counseling it properly isn’t.
I get your points and agree to them but I also do believe that Ts Ws history in communication should be taken into consideration every time she states something.

I think you and I have different a viewpoint.

When I go looking for something, I usually find it, positive or negative. So I try not to carry those negative intentions into interactions. I'm not completely there yet but I'm working at it and I know that having a positive intention can completely change the tenor of interactions.

I've seen many people here constantly wrapped up in what the spouse is doing or saying. We have no control over that. I find that it works best for me to be fully in control of me, which includes my responses and my boundaries. It then doesn't matter what the other person says or does if I'm true to myself and my boundaries I won't be bamboozled. (another good word)

Too often we want to blame others for what we have created through not being honest, not speaking our mind respectfully, not getting our needs met. We don't slow down enough to realize that what we dislike most in others is a shadow of ourselves. We might see others as gameplayers because we ourselves operate from that same place. Example, in the past I felt constantly judged because I was very judgmental and so assumed that everyone was. Having that mindset, I misinterpreted most everything people said as judgmental which made for some very poor R and a very unhappy me.

That was all me. That's why we need to focus on the only thing we can control.

Ourselves.

There's an old, but still very relevant, Pogo comic strip and the line is: We have met the enemy and he is us.

Figure out who you are, what you truly want, what you truly don't want and be honest with yourself and others; life will look very different.

[AnotherStander]

F, I understand that you are trying to stay away from your W and make her learn to miss you, but I think if she continues to ask to spend time together and you continue to refuse that it will be detrimental to your sitch. The DB'ing approach is not to accept all offers, but to accept some and be too busy to accept others. DB'ing is not refusing ALL offers to get together. It sounds like there's some resentment building in your W over this issue. IE, she's not learning to miss you, she's getting angry. Remember cheeseless tunnels, monitor the results of what you're doing and if it doesn't work then try something else.

[T1000]

I agree with AS here,

The more you reject her it seems like the worse you become at it and she is put off.

I think it would help grease the wheels for your xmas plans also by accepting an invite. She might start thinking you dislike her as a person.

By all means get Sandi's input first if you want it.

[Fartiltre]

AS, T

Thanks for your thoughts!

I understand that you are trying to stay away from your W and make her learn to miss you

I am also staying away to save myself. I am feeling so much better and stronger after she moved and especially after going dim (or whatever I should call since we speak several times a week)
I have been tumbling around for so long, but for the last six weeks give or take a day I am getting stronger every day.

It sounds like there's some resentment building in your W over this issue. IE, she's not learning to miss you, she's getting angry.

I shouldn’t try to mind read but I believe you are right. She is not spewing lava but she isn’t happy about this either. IMO her picture of life after BD cracked after I went dim and that’s why she is not happy.

Remember cheeseless tunnels, monitor the results of what you're doing and if it doesn't work then try something else.

Ohh, I remember – I looked so much for cheese for several months that I ended up seeing it everywhere . I have been down this dim-road for 6 weeks now. Last time W and I did something together was aug. 13 when D6 started school. Since then we have talked several times (every second day or so in average) but only about Ds, finance and the subjects she have brought up. I have initiated a few talks but mainly to get to talk with the Ds.
This is IMO the first time anything has changed but if it is changing for the worse then that’s a potential problem. I don’t understand W or WAS nearly good enough to make this call. At the same time I am quite certain that she is only looking for time with children (cake) and not time with me.

The more you reject her it seems like the worse you become at it and she is put off.

Did I do that terrible today??
IMO it was a nice and calm talk. No raised voices. Dragon eyes once, but overall nice and pleasant. Normally I have felt so awkward around her – that feeling was much less today so I managed to do eye contact, listen better, seeming relaxed and so on. Not that I did good - only better.

I think it would help grease the wheels for your xmas plans also by accepting an invite. She might start thinking you dislike her as a person.

I can’t bring up the Christmas subject right now. Todays experience stalled that IMO.

This is hard on me, guys! I appreciate your advice so much and I understand what you are saying but it also confuses me about what to do. It seems like I am doing wrong every time I think I am doing right – I am not stating this as a little sad boy, but as a wondering man.

Thanks!

F