Need Separation Advice please!

[Mimi00]

I appreciate your feedback, are you going through the hot/cold phase as well? Where one minute they are wanting to work on things and the next they are bailing again?

No my H had been cold since BD.....he doesn't want to give me any "hope"....so he's distant unless he needs something. Calls for "business" matters...thats it...I haven't heard him say the word love in months.

Even my DB coach thinks my H is immature and selfish. I don't know if I can wait for him to grow up. I want a love that my friend has. Am I wrong to feel this way? Maybe I am just getting stronger and realizing certain things now that I want in a relationship. My H is the only person I've ever been with since I was 18, so I really don't know anything else. Am I wrong to want more out of my R?

I am feeling very confused, wanting to move on with my life and wanting my H to come back. But I also realize I wouldn't take him back as he is now. I would need to see a great deal of change from him as well. I know I am growing and changing from this experience, but I'm not sure if he is.

No you are not wrong for seeing the way your husband has lacked I the relationship. But I would say write those thoughts down and do not dwell on then, it will only make you angry and make you want to call and share these negative with him. Focus on what you can do on you end only, you can only control you.

I get confused on if I should continue to have hope or if I shoild just move on. Sometimes I remember how low my H would make me feel and think I can do better if I did move one. I have givem my self until the end of the year to keep hope alive. Having no kids....and wanting them...I feel I can't wait around too long for H to "wake up". Even though I remember the negatives about my H, I know that he was just as hurt, scared, ignorant about marriage as I was so that makes his mistakes easier to forgive.

I too have grown in the last few months since BD....and feel my H hasn't at all....but truth is maybe he has...I don't know as we don't talk about anything except work and financials.

Also, I forgot to mention I talked to my H last night because I texted him that we needed to separate our cellphone and insurance bills that I pay for. I need to save money to move out of my parent's house. So he called me and I basically told him everything that I wanted him to change and bothered me in the marriage over the years. Me not feeling like I was put first, him placing all his focus on his family, not spending time with me, etc. I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do, but I was tired of him putting most of the blame on me for the failure of the marriage. He apologized for many of the things, but also said he felt like a scape goat by me. He ended the call by saying he was really sad, that he missed me, and he loved me. I feel like he is manipulating me in some ways by saying those things, because now I somewhat feel guilty for letting him have it. Even though I said it in a confident, nice way.

No more relationship talk unless he brings it up. Try to be positive in your conversations with him. Do you know his love language? If so "speak" it when you do interact with him.

"Acting as if" can be a confusing term...really its acting in a certain "positive" way to recieve a positive reaction from you spouse. MwD gave and example of her going out of town and having a wonderful time, when she talked to her H about picking her up from the airport he sounded stressed as he'd been left behind with the kids etc... so she was going to be not act happy and be more quiet in the car on the ride home when he picked her up because she didn't want to throw her great vacation in his face and make him feel worst for being at home...then she realized if she got in to the car and didn't seem happy he could take that as if she wasn't happy to be home and wasn't happy to see him so that would create a negative reaction. Instead she decided to act happy and tell him all about the vacation and the response she got from him in return was positive.

So acting as if is having a positive mental attitude at all times in front of your spouse. Doing so will show your spouse you are strong and that positivity will hopefully be attractive to them and also show them you arent the one bringing about the "negative" and hopefully cause them to do self introspection to see the real issues instead of only blaming you.


Sorry if I have a lot of typos....in typing from my phone

[Ambivalent]

Hi H4,

Have you read anything on pursuit and distancing? I know Cadet usually posts things for newcomers to read. It may be a great deal of help with handling some things.

As for telling him what you disliked ,you may consider tabling it from now on. Don't dwell on what ifs, you said it ,now let it go.

Try not to contact him for a bit, allow him his feelings that he shared with you, just don't act on what he said.

Give him some space, and try and get ahold of your reactions to what he may be saying or doing. Take them in, but don't react to them. You may want to say to yourself, I'll react when I am alone.
Let him vent, and you just listen. You'll get a chance down the road...