Oh and I will not bring up the session that I had with the counsellor unless he specifically asks about it
Me 37 H 37 D9 D6 M9/ T12 ILYBINILWY 05/2013 Asked to S 06/13 Said he wants to S for sure 08/13 Said that he's looking for a place (Sept 17/13) No ring on his finger (Sept 19/13)
Does anyone know how to be when other spouse wants to talk. Any help would be appreciated..talk will happen very soon.
Please any suggestions....
Be the best possible listener. Make lots of eye contact. Nod. Ask clarification questions now and then just to let him know you are seeking to understand his position. VALIDATE his feelings. Validating is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ explaining/ negotiating/ arguing/ etc. It is simply acknowledgment. He says he wants a D? You say you're sorry he feels that way but you understand. You're not agreeing with his desire for D, simply acknowledging that his feelings are valid. Don't tell him your feelings, if he's like most other WAS's he isn't interested. Let him talk and you listen. Try to bury your emotions. Remember to show PMA. There will be time to cry later if you need to. Good luck, you can do this!
He is now watching football, kids are running around, and will get them ready in their pjs. Thank you for your advice. Will remain on neutral territory, not the bedroom and see if he comes up for the talk that he wanted to have.
Wish me luck, will update after the talk.
Me 37 H 37 D9 D6 M9/ T12 ILYBINILWY 05/2013 Asked to S 06/13 Said he wants to S for sure 08/13 Said that he's looking for a place (Sept 17/13) No ring on his finger (Sept 19/13)
He will be expecting you to disagree with him, whine, cry, beg. Do the opposite! Do not tell him you don't think a few counseling sessions is trying; not only do you not want to argue, joint counseling is a bad idea right now. As you have already experienced, many counselor a just want to help you separate. I agreed Togo to counseling with my H when I was a WAW and I sat there pretending I wanted to work it out when I didn't want to. In addition, the times I was ing and trying to work on the M, we would have an on week and then gettoncounseling and bring up everything that was wrong in our M and the next few days would s*ck.
Try to get back to work. I know it is hard but it will be good for your mental health and good for your H to see you getting moving again.
Be strong. ((((Hugs))))
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
With all your support, I gathered my courage and instead of waiting for him to come upstairs for the talk. I went downstairs to the basement, sat down on the couch and basically waited.
He saw me and said that he was too tired to watch a movie (a movie that he had rented two days ago- which is someong that i did not know)or anything else. I said that's fine, no worries. So he continued to watch football and making comments here and there aout the game. During commercials, he would ask questions like: have you talked to your mom, how is she....how is our niece...oh maybe I should talk to her ( going through teenagers stuff right now) ...., oh can you send me the paperwork for the gym....etc.... An hour goes by, still nothing...half time comes up, so I told myself, ok get ready....
He turns to me and says, well I am really tired right now, so I would like to sleep now. So I got up and said goodnight and left the basement. I guess he changed his mind about the talk. Db says not to start R talk, so I did not. I wish I knew what H is thinking.....
This morning, he had to go and bring the car to the shop because of a flat tire and said he was coming back. He never came back. I called him, he did not answer. So I sent him a text saying: was just calling to find out if you needed to be picked up. So far no answer.
I am telling myself not to have any expectations. It is really hard, but I am proud that I had the guts to go downstairs and be patient.
Thank you lovethehub for your input about counselling, never thought of the fact that he could be pretending in counselling. So I will not invite him to come anymore unless he ask. And I will not say that what he has done so far is not enough... I am gonna work towards going back to work. A week from Tuesday is my dr appoint., ( she had given me three weeks). Cause it was just so hard dealing with situation, kids, work. I could not focus, could not sleep etc...
I try to get out everyday, right now I am at Starbucks.
Me 37 H 37 D9 D6 M9/ T12 ILYBINILWY 05/2013 Asked to S 06/13 Said he wants to S for sure 08/13 Said that he's looking for a place (Sept 17/13) No ring on his finger (Sept 19/13)
Two nights ago, I went to the basement after the girls went to bed, because he wanted to talk. He started by asking me questions about our girls and how they were doing, then asked me if I was going to take half a day off work to take the girls to their doctor's appointment. I told him that I did not have to take time off since I was already on leave from work for the rest of the week.
He acted concerned and asked me if it was the IC who had given me a note, informed him no that it was the doctor. Looked like h wanted to have more details but I did not offer any.
H asked if I had told my mother ( which I did not), my sister, brother or friends, because he felt that I should because I need a support system. ( I think h was in a way trying to tell me that I should get my own support, and not his parents... I could be wrong).
H asked if I was sleeping ok, and eating ok because he noticed that I lost more weight. I told him that my sleeping is ok and yes that I was eating. He even asked what I ate that day in details ( I was thinking to myself, why does h want to know all these details)
H also told me that he talked to his parents for 5 hours on the weekend about our situation and to his brother. His brother spparently had many questions to ask him, so much that the His brother called him the next day and asked him more questions. His parents told him that he should get his own counsellor, so he said that he will get his own , a different one than mine.
H never talked about the status of our relationship but said that we should communicate more because he feels that the way that we are communicating is very bad almost dangerous. ( I don't know what to make of that comment). I validated his points, especially the communication.
I also shared with h that my counsellor had given me exercises for me to do and that I had a copy for him but that he did not have to take it. H said that he will take it but cannot promise that he will read it all.
I don't know what to make of this conversation, I mean I do want to talk to him more and not put pressure on him but its kinda hard when he is not always there.
What do you think?
Me 37 H 37 D9 D6 M9/ T12 ILYBINILWY 05/2013 Asked to S 06/13 Said he wants to S for sure 08/13 Said that he's looking for a place (Sept 17/13) No ring on his finger (Sept 19/13)
Oh and I almost forgot, MIL called and asked how everything was with me ... Since she know our situation. I told her that H told me that they all had talked about us. She asked me to remember that she will always love me no matter what and that she suggested to h to get a counsellor.
She also said that her and FIL will always love me but that the situation is kinda awkward and that h is her son and had to support him. (side note- she apparently got involves in one of his relationship when he was a teenager which did not turn well, it actually hurt H and MIL relationship) She does not want to get between us two. Which kinda makes me sad because she has always been my other mother.
I don't know if I should read between the lines, do you think she was trying to tell me something....or am I trying to analyze the conversation too much
Me 37 H 37 D9 D6 M9/ T12 ILYBINILWY 05/2013 Asked to S 06/13 Said he wants to S for sure 08/13 Said that he's looking for a place (Sept 17/13) No ring on his finger (Sept 19/13)
FMF, sorry to see you here, but you will find a huge support system.
A word of warning-your inlaws will tell you they love you, support you etc etc. which is great. Never, ever, ever, confide to anyone in H's family, no matter how close you are or how much they love you. It will invariably get back to your H but with someone else's take on the comments.
We all know from experience that how we view things and how anyone else views the exact same thing is different. That interpretation of comments are subjective.
Thank you jerseybeachmama, I am reading DR again, because I think that there are some stuff I there that I need to go over. I read your posts, and I am sorry for what you are going through. I do want to thank you for posting because I am learning a lot from all of you. Will not talk to my MIL about the specifics anymore since I do not want them to go back to h.
Me 37 H 37 D9 D6 M9/ T12 ILYBINILWY 05/2013 Asked to S 06/13 Said he wants to S for sure 08/13 Said that he's looking for a place (Sept 17/13) No ring on his finger (Sept 19/13)
