If and when you do confront your W about her A, how would it look like? Are you going to let her know that you knew all along?
In my sitch, I am in the middle ground stance of DBing and love must be tough. I am more in line with HS and Starsky's approach. In my sitch, I wish I would've known the EA sooner. When I found out about the A it was a year later and the EA was DEEP. Although, I don't have any proof I think at least there's a chance of a PA. I confronted her there and then.
I believe in the addiction of the A. Look at my sig, my W went through a cycle of backsliding and I confronted her every time. It seemed that every time I confronted her it shocks her to the reality of her immoral decisions to have an A. I set out boundaries and not wavered them. But yes you have to be prepared that that could end your M.
I owned my faults in the M and my W sees it and my changes. I am a better father because of my sitch...and yes that change is for me. I have yet to prove I'm a better husband because she hasn't given me that chance. But I also realized that she has her issues too and WE both cause this in our M.
DD, you know your sitch better and this is just a food for thought. But I think the longer you keep the A going the deeper it will get.
You know your W better, but do you think she will respect you knowing that you knew the A and you didn't say anything about it?
Finally, get your ducks in a row..consult a L, know your rights at least before you confront her.
Good luck DD.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
DD, I personally agree with your approach. It's what I've been following and the tide is definitely changing for me. Briefly, she told me of EA is 12/12 "I've got feelings for someone else..." We agreed to keep working on it after she said it was over and feelings were fading. Things were getting slowly a littler better but in fits and starts, because I was making so many typical mistakes (pursuing, pleading, sulking) until I discovered DBing in 4/13. Then I discovered in 6/13 that the guy had popped back up. I confronted her, and it sent her right back to him, pissed and we were back at square one. I've not mentioned it again, been DBing, and we are now doing better than last 12 years. I attribute it to my DB work and giving her the space to figure out this guy was a fantasy and/or maybe a dud, and that she'd be giving up a great guy, sharing our son, and now steadily improving home life and friendship. Just one guys experience. I'm no expert. Just experimenting. That said, if it comes up again, I'm going to follow Starskys line. No more for me. I have GOT a life now, with or without her. I will be okay.
Originally Posted By: doubledown
Starsky:
I really appreciate your input. It is a very valuable perspective. I realize that calling out a spouse involved in an affair is certainly an option. I have two young boys to consider and I just don't want them to go through the damaging process of their parents splitting up. I would never leave this marriage. It may be taken from me someday, but I won't be the one to walk away. My W on the other hand is in a state that I could have never imagined 10 years ago. I don't know this person.
If there is anything I can do to gradually show her that I can be a better husband and father, I've got to demonstrate that. Words mean nothing. I've tried that. I believe that if I expose the A, it will cause W to become angry, resentful, bitter and take action prematurely.
I need time to mentally prepare for that as well. This is my life, afterall. This is the woman that in my mind, would be the one I would grown old with. Removing that from the equation is alot to consisder.
I think most experts agree that most affairs run their course, and end within 6 months to a couple of years. However, that statistic includes one night stands and affairs where there isn't much emotional investment at all, but more of an affair of convenience (for at least one of those involved). Affairs where both are emotionally invested have a higher likelihood of becoming more. That's not to say that those don't blow apart too- they do- just that a deep emotional affair is harder to break. I know couples who eventually married their affair partners and have been married for years.
It is for this reason, in part, that I advise you to take action more quickly. I know that you don't want to right now, and that's ok, I just wanted to define further where I'm coming from.
In my case, my wife's emotional involvement became deeper and deeper until she was ready to separate (the OM did separate from his wife for about a week until my wife dumped him to work on our marriage). Oddly enough, there were times I thought things were improving as we redid rooms in the house, did landscape work outside, bought new furniture. I thought these were signs she was committed to a future. Turns out she was preparing the house to either sell, or have him move in- depending on finances! My wife had tried to go NC with the OM several times during their EA (she said deep down she hated herself for what she was doing, but couldn't stop), but each time they would re-contact, the attachment would grow stronger.
Keep a sharp eye out. I don't know how long you want to wait before you expose this affair, but I was husband and father of the year for two years and it didn't change my wife's feelings about staying married. What it did (other than improving me) was make her feel like I actually could be an alternative choice to blowing up her life for a man she didn't REALLY know.
In the end, my wife made (finally!) a rational choice to stay with me, not an emotional one. Her emotions were driving her away from me. Your wife will have to do the same. You are the logical choice- you are the father of her children. Right now, she can live in a fantasy world with the OM, the man that she loves, and come home at night to the man she tolerates because circumstances dictate she has to- for now. The longer she has to plan her escape, the more resolved she may become to see it through, and the more difficult it will be for you to win her back.
I would at least plan a timeline of when you think you've put in enough "great husband effort" (what are you waiting to see from your wife to show you?) and decide how you will eventually confront this thing.
I think most experts agree that most affairs run their course, and end within 6 months to a couple of years. However, that statistic includes one night stands and affairs where there isn't much emotional investment at all, but more of an affair of convenience (for at least one of those involved). Affairs where both are emotionally invested have a higher likelihood of becoming more. That's not to say that those don't blow apart too- they do- just that a deep emotional affair is harder to break. I know couples who eventually married their affair partners and have been married for years.
It is for this reason, in part, that I advise you to take action more quickly. I know that you don't want to right now, and that's ok, I just wanted to define further where I'm coming from.
Absolutely, a "deepening emotional bond" would be one of the primary downsides of allowing an affair to continue, un-battled. There are others, too:
1. Squandering of family finances. In my case (and remember, my wife's affair only lasted 3 months) I put the final price tag well over $40,000, from legal fees (hers and mine), gifts/clothing/plastic surgery (things she did to make herself more attractive to OM), to the 2-year lease on a 2nd residence that we ended up having to secure in order to live separated.
2. The cheating spouse's medical health. Studies show that affair partners engage in unprotected sex at far higher rates than the population at large, and the risk of STDs (or worse) is very real. The sad, horrible stories have been told on this very forum.
3. Continued exposure of the children to the marital dysfunction (fights, arguments, cheating parent staying out 'til all hours and not being available to them when they need/want them, etc., etc.).
4. Emotional health of the betrayed spouse erodes with each passing week of an unrepentant affair. Lost weight, depression, illness, etc. Basically, it's emotional abuse, and when you consider that it's coming at you from someone who supposedly loves you, and swore to forsake all others for, it can eat at you to the point where it's very unhealthy for you. For men, it can be downright emasculating.
5. It exposes the cheating spouse to what is often an emotionally unhealthy relationship (disregard this if you feel your wife's OM is emotionally/mentally/spiritually/financially GOOD for her).
I could go on, but those are my main ones that I encourage betrayed spouse's to consider. Don't get me wrong, you can't control nor neatly STOP your spouse from deciding to continue to cheat on you. But you CAN base your decision-making from a place that considers the above threats to the family in their calculus.
I see your point here and it's valid. The quicker she's faced with having to decide to live with OM, the quicker she'll learn what he's truly like in the real world on a daily basis. However, emotionally, I can't handle the thought of my W leaving right now. I do want her to live out my changes I'm making with me so she can see them everyday.
I'm a little torn, because you are strongly encouraging that I lay out boudaries and hold her accountable for the A, but you end with "(please note I am not advocating exposure here, as that is against DB principles)".
I'm confused. If DBing and MWD does not encourage exposing the A, what option does that leave a LBS, but to DB and GAL and make positive changes?
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
Thanks for contributing to the discussion. I really appreciate all perspectives in this community as I'm sure you are aware how foreign all this is to someone when they arrive here.
To answer your question, no. I will not reveal how long I have known about the A. Instead, I will only use the most recent evidence at the time a confrontation occurs. I realize the ramifications of letting her know I've allowed her to participate in her A without my intervention.
I think what I'm doing right now is best. This whole thing has given me the true wake up call I've needed for a long time.
I've struggled all my life with certian personality issues that push people away and I have finally chosen to address them for me and my marriage.
Because my wife has pleaded with me over the years to make changes and get help it's important to me that she sees that I am taking her concerns to heart. Granted, they are much past due, but I am listening to her wishes.
At this point, I think that's all I have to offer her. What else would she posssibly be interested in from me at this point.
Granted, I know she wanted these changes years ago, but that didn't happen. I can only hope that she will take into consideration the negative impact on her, our sons, me and our future should she choose to disregard my changes and my committment to rebuild our marriage.
Ultimately, she will have to choose if getting what she wanted from me later than she wanted is still worth more than what this OM has to offer right now and in the future.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
believe me, I think about these issues everyday. So far, there hasn't been any financial squandering. We're not having sex these days. We are not fighting, arguing and my W has started a new job with a regular schedule 8-5 M-F so she picks kids up every day from after care at 5:30.
Now I have lost 20lbs., I'm depressed and was just put on meds, but I'm excercising and keeping myself healthy.
I know she needs to hear from me at some point about where I stand. I'm just not there yet. It's overwhelming at this point.
Do you have any children Starsky? That's my biggest concern.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
Thank you for informing me that you've read my entire thread. I appreciate you taking the time and interest to do that.
I genuinely appreciate your opinions here and whatever advice you are willing to share. I know there will be a time when I'll need some more guidance and I hope you will be willing to provide that.
So much to consider. This is really overwhelming.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
