Really need your help

[formyfamily]

Hi Cadet, I already sent an e-mail to H asking him if he would consider giving an hour of his time with the new counsellor before I saw your response. I hope that this does not go against the DB rules. But, if he does not respond or says no to the session, I will still go on my own because I need it for myself regardless of what he does. I would really like for him to come because it would show me that part of him still wants to resolve our situation.

[formyfamily]

Hi littlegto,

I asked him multiple times if he had someone else because of the fact that he is gone , no intimacy etc.... I asked him and he kept saying no that there is no one else in the picture over and over again. I will take your advice and not have intense reactions because that's exactly what I did before I read the book. I have to admit, I am scared that there is someone else but will continue to read the forum and write. This is helping me a lot.

I went to a wedding this weekend, I thought it was going to be really hard with me crying and everything. I was not going to go but my girlfriends encouraged me to go with them. It made me think back on our wedding and how beautiful it was. How can they walk away from it all?

[formyfamily]

So I will call tomorrow to confirm the appointment with the new counsellor which will be in two days. The kids have started asking questions like: Where did Daddy sleep last night? What do I say? I cannot find the answer in the DB book. Please help....

[Cadet]

Hi Cadet, I already sent an e-mail to H asking him if he would consider giving an hour of his time with the new counsellor before I saw your response. I hope that this does not go against the DB rules. But, if he does not respond or says no to the session, I will still go on my own because I need it for myself regardless of what he does. I would really like for him to come because it would show me that part of him still wants to resolve our situation.

DB rules are to do what works and 180 what doesnt
So you can try and see.
But have no expectations.

If he doesnt come then just let it go.

As far as your kids, what do you want to tell them?

How much do they know, and whatever you think that is, they probably know more. Kids are usually pretty intuitive.
They know you are upset and that effects them.
I would try to put on as strong a face for them as possible.

If you are strong and confidant then they will be better with it all.

What do you think?

[willbwell]

Go see the counselor regardless if h goes. it will help you. I also told my h no nighttime talks. I do try as best as I can to prepare myself beforehand. the wise vets will tell you validate what your h is saying. In my sit, we are separated. when talk of d comes up, I say, I understand but it is not what I want.
be prepared, even if afternoon talks ,you still have to get dinner for your kids.I couldn't just go climb under the covers like I wanted to I thank God for my kids because that is where I keep my focus.

I did not want to believe that my h could be having an a. I do still struggle with that. I had asked h to just be upfront and honest with me. I don't want to believe h can lie so easily. but they do. a are addiction. I am trying to have patience and compassion and be the better option which I know I am!

also, btw, I went thru for IC'S before I found a good fit for me.

[formyfamily]

Hi Cadet,

You are right. He did not reply to my email or said anything about it. So I know that he will not be coming. He came back two nights ago, went back to sleeping in the basement. This morning, my youngest asked him, why is it that you slept downstairs, he said: oh it's because I came back really late and fell asleep watching tv.

I called and confirm my appointment for tomorrow and will go on my own. As for as my kids, I will put on a strong face and love them dearly. I am thinking of buying this book, I think it's called love languages for kids. Will give them everything I got and and try to be confidant and strong for them.

Thank you Cadet

[formyfamily]

Hi willbwell,

I will go to see the counsellor on my own tomorrow.i am sure that h will try to talk to me tonight as he always does and will tell him no more night talks and afternoon. I did not think of that. Thank you for the suggestion.

I am glad that your kids are helping you getting through this and that they are your focus, I totally understand and my kids are the same for me.

I wish that h saying that he is not having an affair would be true, but a part of me says that he is not telling the entire truth. But it is hard to think that he is having one. Like you said patience Is the key, and trying to Gal is what I have to start doing more often.

Wish me luck, I hope this is the Ic for me

[formyfamily]

I went to the new counsellor yesterday morning, it went well. He was nice, and for the first time, I found a counsellor who understand where I am coming from...he give me a few exercises for me to do that will help me understand things about myself. I don't have the paperwork beside me, but will share them with you.

I am so nervous about today. H wants to talk. I always feel that whenever he says he wants to talk, I feel like I am having a panic attack. My throat gets dry. I am soooo scared. The counsellor said that I should be frank with H ....I am nervous. I know db says not to attack spouse, so I will not do it. I am going to try and review very quick db.

Does anyone know how to be when other spouse wants to talk. Any help would be appreciated..talk will happen very soon.

Please any suggestions....

[lovethehub]

Hi FMF,

Do your best to be calm, not show your emotions and validate your h. "I understand why you feel that way". "It must be hard to feel like that". Etc.

I know it isn't easy, esp in the beginning, however it is very important to remain calm. If you find yourself getting upset tell your h that you need to take a walk and you will have to finish the conversation tomorrow. Then go take a walk around the block a couple of times.

Have you read DB and DR? Find an activity for yourself to get involved with (or several). Are you working during the day? If not, get involved with volunteering, working out, etc. Try to find one activity that will take you out of the house in the evening when your H is home. Leave the house full of smiles and with big kisses for the girls...even if you have to go read a book at the coffee shop!

This is going to be tough so prepare yourself. The only way to change your marriage is to work on yourself. You cannot change your H'smind right now. You can work on the things you would like to improve in yourself and on getting out and living your life. The changes you make in yourself are the ones that may save your M.

Don't worry about H going to counseling with you. Right now there is a high chance it will do more harm than good so pretend you never asked.

We are here for you, hang in there.

[formyfamily]

Hi lovethehub,

Thank you for replying and thank you for your suggestions. I will try to be calm and do the walk around the block I have read the dr, but I think that I need to read it again. I am presently on stress leave because all I did was cry at work, at home, in the car etc... It got really bad, started being really depressed because of situation.

I try to leave home everyday, even if I end up going to the coffe shop. Signed up for dance classes but they only start in a week and a half.

When he starts talking ( I don't know what he is going to say..) for example, if he says,I have tried to work this out blah blah blah, should I tell him that I don't feel like going to only 5 sessions of counselling is trying in a calming way.I understand that it is not a good idea to force him into counselling but can I tell him my point of view not a good idea? Should I offer solutions to the problems that we are having or is it not a good idea?