You are really right on the money! After reading your post, I realize I feel the same way after I read a text or email. I start to read my own worst fears into every word I read!
Gotta get a way from it and haven't done it in about 3 days. It does feel a bit better not having info to manipulate in my head.
Thanks man! That really helps to hear it from another who is going through the same thing.
I also re-read the 37 rules and it does calm me down, just like reading posts among this community.
Gotta focus on the long haul. What kind of GAL activities are you doing? Do you have any kids? I'm not familiar with your sitchuation. Care to share the details?
It all helps.
Thanks again Whizzed!
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
I've been replying/posting to you in my previous posts, but I don't know if I'm doing this right. I'm having trouble locating responses. Do I just look at "my posts" and go to my most recent post to look for responses? Do I stay on that thread only?
Anyway, earlier this week, my W asked what my toughts were about her going out on Saturday night to a jewelry party. I was bothered because I knew it was just a cover to meet up with OM.
I mentioned that she's been gone every night for two years working and now that she started a new job with a normal 8:00-5:00 Mon-Fri schedule, it would be nice for us to spend some time together, especially on the holiday (Labor Day) weekend. That led to more discussion about how I always want her home.
I could tell she was getting bothered, so I said sure, go out Saturday night. We've got the long weekend.
Then she got an email from her mom reminding her that she forgot her Dad's birthday this week. That upset her even more.
So, we got the kids ready for bed and put them to sleep. W and I got ready as well and got into bed. I tried to talk to her about her Mom and forgetting her Dad''s birthday, but she was frustrated. So, I told her I'll leave her alone since I can see that she was upset.
I asked her to be home right after work the next day so she could get the kids from the sitter and I could run to the bank. She said she could go to the bank for me during her lunch hour, so she wouldn't need to rush home. She doesn't want to come home right after work, because she wants to meet up with OM on the way home.
I said that's all you've been doing the past two weeks is running around town doing errands, school shopping, getting new outfits for work etc. I said I can help with that kind of stuff so you're around more.
That's when she said: "well, you've been this "Father of the Year" and "Husband of the Year" for the past several months. I don't know what to make of that or what to do with that person."
I didn't respond. Then she said: " and if now you're going to say that you've been available or willing to help do that kind of stuff the past several years, that's just a false statement!"
I responded by saying I can understand why you would feel that way. You're right. But I'm going to keep doing the best I can and I don't see anything wrong with that.
She didn't respond and we went to sleep.
What do you think? That's the first she's commented about anything I've been doing or not doing since I started DBing on 7/5/13!
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
You are really right on the money! After reading your post, I realize I feel the same way after I read a text or email. I start to read my own worst fears into every word I read!
Gotta get a way from it and haven't done it in about 3 days. It does feel a bit better not having info to manipulate in my head.
Thanks man! That really helps to hear it from another who is going through the same thing.
Glad I could pass on the wisdom that I learned from others here. There are many of us that are overcoming the self-inflicted injury of snooping. As I'm now learning, it's enough for me to know there's OM/W, and a daily diet of "discovering" the dirty details, or lack thereof, just made me silently, helplessly sick. Keep it up, DD!
You'll see someone called MileHigh posted great supoport based on his similar experience. Might help you too. There's so many great people here -- you might want to look for Sandi2, I found her thoughts to be especially useful.
MileHigh wrote, "Well, whizzed. You've said your piece, and she knows where you stand, and you know about the OM. So, if you want to proceed/continue with DBing, there's no need to confront her further. It's very hard to stop snooping - it was hard for me. I was counting the minutes, then days, without looking at text usage on cell phone account. It gets easier with time.
The WAS needs to make their choice, on their own, and there is often a lot of confusion and reversals in their opinion and reactions toward the LBS. That's why consistency is so important. Every time she sees you, you have to be on track - even if you have to fake it until you make it at first.
I recommend The Divorce Remedy over Divorce Busting, but both are good. Definitely read/study the book. The forum is good as a supplement to the book, but I think the book is essential."
DD, I'm going to be the minority voice here, but I disagree with part of your approach. On the 180 piece, that is, being a great husband- I agree with you 100% and you should continue as you have been!
However.....
This happened to you once before. It wasn't handled properly then, which is why you are back. Critical changes, like honesty and openness, we're never made in your marriage, so she's right back in another affair. Let's say this guy dumps her too. What then? She'll just do it again. And again.
In my opinion, you must expose the affair. It's the secrecy that fuels the fantasy. Once the secrecy veil is pulled off, it becomes real- and generally it becomes more hassle than its worth. As long as the affair meets your wife's needs, and the needs of the OM you will be in a stable "triangle" relationship (also known as "cake eating"). Right now, forget the b.s about you being the "better choice". Dont make me laugh! THERE IS NO CHOICE!!! SHE HAS BOTH OF YOU! It's the best of both worlds for her! You can be the "better choice" when she HAS TO CHOOSE, but not until then. Right now, you are just allowing their bond to deepen, while you sit and take it. Is this how you want to live your life? Man up! No woman wants to be married to a pushover, and that's what you are acting like.
Once the affair is out in the open, then you can let her know that you want to be a great husband for her, and have a great marriage, but you need the both of you to work on the marriage, with NO contact with the OM. That simple.
Oh, and no wimping out and threatening to expose the affair to the OM's girlfriend etc., she'll only threaten to leave you if you do.....and you'll probably cave....Trust me, I wimped out and tried that at first. Only kept her in the affair. Later on, I manned up and pulled the trigger without her "permission". It's the only reason we're happily married today. Getting her away from the OM cured her like penicillin!
You don't have to take my advice. My marriage recovered. Where are the marriages of those that advise you sit and be a nice, compliant, blind, husband? My two cents, I'm a little fired up today .
That's when she said: "well, you've been this "Father of the Year" and "Husband of the Year" for the past several months. I don't know what to make of that or what to do with that person."
My interpretation: Your DBing is confusing to her. This is good. Who is this new guy?. It is all brand new -- less than 2 months. She needs to live with a new you for some time to believe it's not an act. That you really are committed to permanent changes. Not unreasonable.
If you're considering advice to confront her re OM, then first carefully play out the ensuing scenario(s) in your head. Only YOU can predict your wife's reactions, and your responses to her reactions, and whether this will bring you further towards or away from your goal. Then decide, just don't be impetuous. You can't un-ring a bell.
2 nights ago while washing dinner dishes, my wife asked why the boys didn't eat much. I told her that they had snacked quite a bit before dinner because they were starving, but I wanted to wait for W to get home to have dinner. I said that's why it's so improtant for you to get home as soon as you can from work.(that, and it limits her time with OM)
Her response was very interetsing. She brought up a situation from years ago when the kids were just infants and toddlers. My W worked long hours then as well and she would call and ask if the kids had been fed. She would insist that I feed them by a certain time, but my response was that I wasn't hungry yet and I'll feed us all at the same time. I totally wasn't responsive to her needs!(I realize this now)
She reminded me of how furious this made her back then and that she would really struggle with it. She said we just weren't on the same page! Until one day she decided to choose her battles more carefully. She said that she just gave up with me on that issue and that's why our dinner times have been all over the place ever since.
I paused and looked her in the eyes and said: "Really? I had no idea that I had hurt you like that back then. That really must have been hard on you. I'm really sorry for that. I didn't realize how that effected you. I'm sorry about that".
After that, she did a silly side-step hop toward me and said "now we're on the same page". I sensed sarcasm, however.
She then walked back toward a chair and said: "You're realizing alot of things lately".
I take that as a good sign that she is noticing some type of change in me. DB coach says any argument is a goosd thing, but be sure to respond just how I did. Acknowledging her feelings and don't get defensinve.
What do you think? It's the first morsel I've seen with regard to her even thinking or talking about "us" or our relationship at all in quite a while.
yes, I think this is very encouraging. I think you did good with your responses. keep up the good improvements so she can see they are permanent!
Originally Posted By: doubledown
That's when she said: "well, you've been this "Father of the Year" and "Husband of the Year" for the past several months. I don't know what to make of that or what to do with that person."
I didn't respond. Then she said: " and if now you're going to say that you've been available or willing to help do that kind of stuff the past several years, that's just a false statement!"
I responded by saying I can understand why you would feel that way. You're right. But I'm going to keep doing the best I can and I don't see anything wrong with that.
She didn't respond and we went to sleep.
I think you did good with your response, and don't worry that she didn't reply. she heard you! that's the important thing.
and I totally disagree with HS, I won't do a point-by-point rebuttal, you've already seen my posts and other people's posts elsewhere, but right now it is too soon to confront W. don't let HS scare you into impatience that will ruin everything. right now you are building up a foundation that will show your wife that you have changed for the better. it will take some time to show that your changes are permanent after years of bad habits, so you shouldn't rush to confront her about the affair yet. I don't think their affair is "getting deeper". I think it will quite likely fizzle out when she sees that your improvements are constant over time.
but that takes time to show!
regarding your two threads - you have one here and one in newcomers. usually it's best to keep to one thread but I think you are getting useful advice in both places from different people, so I guess there is a benefit in both of your threads.
Well, I knew from reading this string that my opinions would not be popular !
TT, I am not trying to scare anyone into doing anything. Fear is what keeps most folks on this board from taking positive action. Fear that if they rock the boat, or point out the affair to the OP's wife or significant other that their spouse will drop them like a hot potato. Fear is paralyzing. It is when we are finally able to act without fear that we can detach and get a life. It is this that the WAS sees and responds to.
I read your story TT, and it seems that you are a product of not setting boundaries of any kind in your own relationship, and that is why your husband has had multiple affairs and feels its ok to continue to hide things from you. It is your fear of ending up alone that keeps you paralyzed from standing up for yourself. I think what your H has done to you is appalling. I don't care how respected he is in his field, that does not give him the right to treat you the way that he has. Unfortunately, he has become accustomed to treating you this way because you have a history of allowing him to.
What you have done in your own marriage to keep your husband loving and faithful hasn't worked, yet now you advocate that DD follow the same path? That sounds silly to me.
In an earlier post on this string you liken the affair fog to a drug addiction, and with statement that I couldn't agree more. Have you ever seen a case where a drug addict was cured because they saw a drug free life as the better choice? Not me. Drug addics have to be snapped out of their addiction FIRST, being totally removed them from the drug, before they can see that a drug free life may be better for them. I am advocating exactly this to DD. Remove the source of your wife's addiction (the OM) so that she can see the possibility of a good marriage with you.
I have lived this myself. I made all of the necessary changes to myself during my wife's EA. she would often tell me and the counsellor that I had finally become the husband she had always wanted- only now it was too late. No matter how great I was, I still wasn't an alternative to her "love drug"....
It continued until i wasn't afraid anymore....It wasn't until I got the OM out of her life that we were able to repair our marriage and fall back in love with one another. Feel free to keep making the same mistakes, not doing something else to change the dynamic. But don't let too much time pass before you re-read this post. One day it may change your life.
Well, I knew from reading this string that my opinions would not be popular !
TT, I am not trying to scare anyone into doing anything. Fear is what keeps most folks on this board from taking positive action. Fear that if they rock the boat, or point out the affair to the OP's wife or significant other that their spouse will drop them like a hot potato. Fear is paralyzing. It is when we are finally able to act without fear that we can detach and get a life. It is this that the WAS sees and responds to.
I read your story TT, and it seems that you are a product of not setting boundaries of any kind in your own relationship, and that is why your husband has had multiple affairs and feels its ok to continue to hide things from you. It is your fear of ending up alone that keeps you paralyzed from standing up for yourself. I think what your H has done to you is appalling. I don't care how respected he is in his field, that does not give him the right to treat you the way that he has. Unfortunately, he has become accustomed to treating you this way because you have a history of allowing him to.
What you have done in your own marriage to keep your husband loving and faithful hasn't worked, yet now you advocate that DD follow the same path? That sounds silly to me.
In an earlier post on this string you liken the affair fog to a drug addiction, and with statement that I couldn't agree more. Have you ever seen a case where a drug addict was cured because they saw a drug free life as the better choice? Not me. Drug addics have to be snapped out of their addiction FIRST, being totally removed them from the drug, before they can see that a drug free life may be better for them. I am advocating exactly this to DD. Remove the source of your wife's addiction (the OM) so that she can see the possibility of a good marriage with you.
I have lived this myself. I made all of the necessary changes to myself during my wife's EA. she would often tell me and the counsellor that I had finally become the husband she had always wanted- only now it was too late. No matter how great I was, I still wasn't an alternative to her "love drug"....
It continued until i wasn't afraid anymore....It wasn't until I got the OM out of her life that we were able to repair our marriage and fall back in love with one another. Feel free to keep making the same mistakes, not doing something else to change the dynamic. But don't let too much time pass before you re-read this post. One day it may change your life.
Wisdom. ^^^
It's often not very popular, but its still wisdom nonetheless.
And yet, setting and living boundaries are inherent to creating a healthy relationship. And I believe, from my history with starsky he would Agree with that and can teach the healthy boundary.
I would love to see him create that thread.... The healthy boundary, and yet he ha taught that concept for awhile.
DB teaches you to train yourself (change your behavior) to affect your spouse's behavior. This, to me, is teaching boundaries to yourself.
The Last Resort Technique teaches you to set a very tight boundary around yourself.
The After the Last Resort Technique teaches you to ---after, after, after the other techniques --- To issue a boundary, the ultimatum, and then let the spouse change. Ideally, it happens in a space before you move on, in a space where your spouse wakes up. Gets it and changes.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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