She can be proud. I worry that may keep her from asking for help again.
Obviously, I cannot make her have a face-to-face conversation, but I can refuse to text about it. She seems to want something from me in her texts (acceptance? forgiveness? cooperation? I don't know.) and there is much I want to say to her, but I will not have the conversation by text. For pete's sake, we're middle-aged and married, not teenagers too immature to talk about a relationship in person. I offered to talk to her face-to-face about what she wants from me, but no reply. She is in charge, as she has been since the day she left.
She can be proud. I worry that may keep her from asking for help again.
You're trying to force it. She doesn't want you to fix her. If she did she would ask. If she's like my W then she would rather not have your help because she'll feel like she "owes" you something. She doesn't love you right now, she probably doesn't even like you. Think about someone you really don't like and ask yourself how hard it would be to have that person offer you financial help, and how much harder than that it would be to accept it. You'd probably hate yourself. That's where she is right now. Welcome to WASland.
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She seems to want something from me in her texts (acceptance? forgiveness? cooperation? I don't know.)
Mind-reading. And mind-reading from texts is highly inaccurate.
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and there is much I want to say to her, but I will not have the conversation by text. For pete's sake, we're middle-aged and married, not teenagers too immature to talk about a relationship in person.
Don't forget your DB'ing and Sandi's rules. As a WAS she is MUCH closer to a rebellious teen than she is to a mature adult that wants to carry on deep conversations about your M. You're trying to apply logic and reason to a person that is in great turmoil and even a little bit crazy.
So should I reply to her text then? She said she "needs to know what my intentions are."
Be sincere in expressing your intentions to W. A false sense of expressing somewhat half-hearted care and concern to W will make her truly mad and you'll be set back in a real bad way. Think of the Candyland and Slides game. One false move and you're way back down to the bottom rung.
What do you really want in terms of interacting with W? Think about this carefully. The next few insights will inform you of the next step. Be authentic and genuine. Sometimes things are on W's terms and you'll have to figure out a way to meet her half way instead of insisting on certain things being done in specific, certain ways. It comes across as rigid and inflexible. And I am betting that it is coming across to W pretty clearly and she's picking up on that.
Be sincere in expressing your intentions to W. A false sense of expressing somewhat half-hearted care and concern to W will make her truly mad and you'll be set back in a real bad way. Think of the Candyland and Slides game. One false move and you're way back down to the bottom rung.
Well, my intentions are to help her as much as I can, explain how I feel about her, and to hopefully reconcile. I'm thinking I probably don't want to mention the last two, though, right?
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What do you really want in terms of interacting with W? Think about this carefully. The next few insights will inform you of the next step. Be authentic and genuine. Sometimes things are on W's terms and you'll have to figure out a way to meet her half way instead of insisting on certain things being done in specific, certain ways. It comes across as rigid and inflexible. And I am betting that it is coming across to W pretty clearly and she's picking up on that
I would like to have a face-to-face, honest and unguarded conversation with her about our M. I realize this is a lot to ask. I would settle for face-to-face and honest.
I know what you mean about being rigid and inflexible. If anything, she is the one who has been rigid and inflexible since BD. I have not been rigid or inflexible with her for a long time. My reply to her was a question, not a demand or anything like that.
I'm not sure where to go from here, I have not heard back from her yet.
You wait for her response...do not text her until you get a response or I will verbally kick your a$$ so hard you will feel it.......do you understand!!!!!!!!!
Carry on
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Your best play at this point, really your only play as I see it, is to go dark. Yeah, you've got a text hanging out there awaiting a response - you can see that through. Then disappear. Change your phone number so that no more texts come in. She can reach you though an intermediary unless she wants to work on the marriage.
If you get a response to your text, just matter of factly tell your wife that you want your marriage and are willing to give it a go if she is. If she's not willing, then inform her that you cannot have any more contact with her this way- its too hard for you and you need to move on. That's it.
To be frank with you, I'm pessimistic that she will return, but there is a small chance. So far she has drifted further and further away. I'm sure she is getting closer and closer to whoever is replacing you at this point. Every negative interaction with you (and in her book, they are all negative) only convinces her more that she's making the right choice in leaving. Your only hope is to leave her with whatever positive impressions and memories of you that she has left, without continuing to create more sadness and negativity for her to remember.
Let her live her life without you there to receive her texts and pay her bills. Let whoever she is seeing attempt to do this. Hope that he can't or won't. In the meantime, continue to make yourself healthy. Know that there may be another woman someday, when you least expect it, that will look at you with love in her eyes. Carry yourself with your head high.
I would like to have a face-to-face, honest and unguarded conversation with her about our M. I realize this is a lot to ask. I would settle for face-to-face and honest.
Lefty, I feel your pain. But the thoughts above are all about what you want. Are you taking into account that it's not what she wants, at least not right now. The more pressure she feels from you to do something she doesn't want to do, the more she will close her heart and mind to you.
Step back, let it be. Until she's ready to change, you can't change her mind. ((( )))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
labug: I know the thoughts above are all about what I want, but Wonka asked me what did I really want, I was just responding to her question.
I hate this. I feel like I am not doing enough, I worry that she has been expecting me to fight harder for her. I need to keep trusting the process, I guess.
