All Out of Options

[AnotherStander]

Pain, try to read some of the other sitches on these forums, what you'll find is that your story is not substantially different from others here. Don't be afraid, there IS hope. Even though your H is talking in absolutes about S and D, this is a very common thing with WAS's. He changed his mind about your M and wants a D. Well guess what, he CAN change his mind AGAIN. It happens all the time.

We actually started seeing a MC, but she was not a proponent of marriage.

Not many are. Most are divorce facilitators, that's the way they've been trained. Your money is better spent on a DB coach, they are committed to saving M's.

He was then away for approximately 8 months before he reached out and asked if he had "lost me."

Try to think back about what you did then. Did you pull back and give him time and space? Did you leave him alone to work through his thoughts? Whatever it is, it worked. So your approach should be similar this time.

I used to ask him what happiness really meant to him and whether there we times where he experienced happiness in our relationship. He said yes, there were time when he felt happy, but he "did not think he was as happy as he should have been."

Typical WAS script. Don't ask these kinds of questions because you'll get confusing or negative answers.

He could never describe what was making him unhappy. Oh believe me, I kept asking.

Don't ask because he doesn't even know himself. He's confused and in turmoil inside even though he may act calm and cool on the outside. He doesn't know why he's unhappy, but right now you're the easy target. He thinks you are why he's unhappy. That's why you need to give him time and space, if you're out of the picture and he's still unhappy, then he'll start to realize it's not you, it's internal.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013 was the first time we sat down to talk. He won't budge.

Read Sandi2's 37 Rules. Quit pressuring him with M talks, you'll never hear what you want to hear.

He wanted to talk and I wanted to provide my document list of actions I wanted to improve.

WAS's don't care about words, only actions. Long term, consistent actions.

I am so confused and don't know what to do. I am all out of options.

You're not out of options, you're at the starting line of a marathon. Be patient. Work on yourself. Read DR. GAL.

I think he is depressed, but dear I say that because he is a little self-absorbed to have that kind of insight.

No, don't say anything like that. You can't speed him on his journey, the best thing you can do is pull back and leave him to it.

[MyNewStrength]

Thank you AS. I really appreciated your message.

However, things have gotten worse. My husband asked if I had spoken to a lawyer when we got home. I said yes and he pressing me to tell him what the lawyers said. I told him (lawyer) I did not want a divorce. My husband then flies off the handle and says "so you are going to contest it right?.....Okay, I'll have my lawyer contact your lawyer. Who is your lawyer?"

I respond that, "I did not need to put him on retainer...however, if you want to proceed, you can draft a separation agreement." I was not rude, I actually smiled. Then he hurts me like he has never hurt me before in our entire relationship.

He says that he has been in this relationship 14 years because of honor and because he never ever wanted to hurt me. Now it is his time and that he has never wanted to be here or with me. I ran to my room. I have been in tears for the last hour. Husband came in to give me a glass of wine and said that he know he hurt me and that he didn't want to do that, but if I want to talk, "he is there as a friend."......

MyPain

[MyNewStrength]

^^Bump.. what do I do??

[MrBond]

DO NOT let his words hurt you any more. You read DB/DR right? As hard as it is, don't pay attention to anything that he says. All WAS's will say the most hurtful things imaginable. You have to be strong enough to shrug them off, as difficult as they are.

YOU are strong enough to do it.

First thing you need to do is to change your name. STOP REMINDING YOURSELF OF YOUR PAIN. Change it to MyStrength. And remember that it is who you are. Strong.

[MyNewStrength]

MrB, I have read DR. I guess I am finding it hard to 180 and GAL because I am so concerned that he will proceed. In VA, it only takes one party to file.

It is really hard to go dark when he is living in the same house. I think I have to just begin to live as if he is not here. Go to work, get back to running (I have not done this since he said he wanted a D), and behave as if.

My goal today is not to cry. I will most likely come home, and be scarce in order to go dark as much as I can while he is living here.

So hard....:(

[MrBond]

"because I am so concerned that he will proceed."

Get rid of the fear. Get yourself strong emotionally, physically, mentally and intellectually. You will be able to save yourself first and foremost.

Start to GAL and don't include him in it. If he starts to pressure you, you look him STRAIGHT in the eye and tell him to BACK OFF! And tell him that you WILL NOT be bullied. Then walk off. End of discussion. No matter what he says, you stand strong.

[MyNewStrength]

Thank you. He is so confusing. Even though he is sleeping in the other bedroom, he still comes to our master bedroom to get dressed. And before he leaves, he says have a good day babe and kisses me!!

I am not sure if I should push him away. He wants the D, but he is coming into the bedroom naked to get underwear and to to get dressed and kissing on me. How do you react to someone like that, maybe he is feeling guilty about what he said to me yesterday....

[Cadet]

And before he leaves, he says have a good day babe and kisses me!!

He wants the D, but he is coming into the bedroom naked to get underwear and to to get dressed and kissing on me.

Does this sound like someone who wants a D?

Or does it sound like someone that wants to CONTROL you by threatening a D?

Have you read the book the 5 love languages, or looked at them online?

[Lll54]

I'm not quite at the point to give advice but sounds like your H likes to keep you on a tight leash right where he likes you. Mine is doing the same thing. One minute he is so unhappy and the next he is kissing me and telling me he loves me....very confusing and i feel your pain;) just wanted you to know i'm listening!

[AnotherStander]

Thank you. He is so confusing. Even though he is sleeping in the other bedroom, he still comes to our master bedroom to get dressed. And before he leaves, he says have a good day babe and kisses me!!

It doesn't mean anything. I remember early in my sitch I was trying to interpret every little thing W did and had hope that it meant she was changing her mind. Even the same thing you said- she was not concerned about being nude in front of me. We even continued to ML. None of it meant a thing, she was still resolute about ending the M. We were going to MC and she just kept saying I had changed and was doing everything right but she just didn't "want to try". Your H is done, you need to accept that. It's going to be a long, long time before he might change his mind. This is a marathon.