All Out of Options

[Breakdown]

Great advice here already. Much like AS, after my W filed for D, I think we had the best year of our entire M. Things seemed amazing. Great sex life, lots of dating, rare arguments. But every time a court date came up and I wanted to discuss dismissing it, she was adamant that she hadn't changed her mind.

What I didn't realize at the time was that while I thought things were getting better, in reality, she was just cake eating. She was still screwing around with OM most days, while I took care of most of the things at home (kids, bills, etc.).

I firmly believe that the best thing you can do at this point is focus on you. Start focusing on your issues, things you don't/didn't like about your role in the M, things your H may have complained about in the past. Work on those things, but also rediscover yourself....do things you like to do, GAL, meet new people, etc.

When it comes to your M, protect yourself. If him touching you is too confusing, or too difficult, or you attach expectations to it, then set a boundary.

What your H doesn't realize yet (my xw doesn't see it yet either...and our sitch is years old), is that each of us are responsible for our own happiness. If you're unhappy, it's not because of your spouse...it's because of you. So be first....be the example....find your own happiness.

[willbwell]

MP, I hear you. my sit is the same. My h is adamant about D. One thing I would do when h was still in the home...when he came in, I'd leave and go for a walk. or, I'd say I had plans with friends and just go to the coffee shop with a book. H says he is not coming back. I know exactly how you are feeling. I want to stop crying. I want to not dwell on it. I am losing weight, losing my hair, my sleep is jacked up. But, I will say. I am taking classes. I am doing for me. I have been accommodating and nice to h. I am trying to not be smart aleck about the sit and give him his space. Does it make it easier...no. I put the words compassion and dignity on my fridge. I have to constantly remind myself because sometimes the urge to lash out is so strong. so know that you are not alone. This board gives great advice and reminders

[DaddyLongShanks]

Your telling me if your spouse treats you like crap and is in an active affair, and this is causing you to be in emotional pain and get depressed and lose self esteem, this is your fault and your responsible for the solution?

The people and environment around us affects our state of mind.

[MyNewStrength]

Thank you all for the advice. Cadet, yes, his actions are not very conclusive. However, tonight I cook dinner and then during dinner, he wants to discuss how we separate things. I told him that I I am not against him, so he can draft whatever he thinks is appropriate and I will review. Well, he begins to cry and say that we have to do it together. I think he is felling guilty that he wants and is asking for D. But he wants "us" to work together to draft the agreement so he feels better about it. I am not going to help him, but I am also not going to be a "b%tch" about it. He is crying and I feel really said about that. I wish I could hug him, but he went to the spare bedroom. He will be in our master bedroom to get dressed in the morning. So strange......

How to I keep him from pushing me to talk and separate our belongings?

[MrBond]

"he still comes to our master bedroom to get dressed. And before he leaves, he says have a good day babe and kisses me!! "

Then don't be available when he leaves. Leave before him or go to the bathroom. That should be your boundary.

[BrightFuture]

There are similarities with my situation.

My H did the same thing a year ago when he came to the house a few times. He slept in the spare bedroom, but came to the master bedroom to shower and get dressed. He closed the door though.

Also, when he came to me back in April and asked me if I wanted to start the D process, he wanted us to do it together. I told him that I agree with the D, that he can do the paper work on his won and bring it to me, so I could pass it into my lawyer. He was surprised to hear that I consulted with the lawyer by then. So, I’m still waiting for the paper work. I also had an advice from a DB coach to not help H with the D, to let him do it on his own.

I think you are doing good. Yes, do not help him with D, be polite and accommodating , but you’re your boundaries too. If he brings the D subject again, just keep saying what you already told him.

[MyNewStrength]

Thank you everyone for the advice and insight into your own stories. I have been very quiet or at least trying to be when I have to be around him. I am still hurt by his words from 2 days ago. However, I still feel love for him. He seems like he is lonely waiting for me to come home to have someone to talk to. But this action is opposite to him telling me that he has never wanted to be with me. But still yet, I have been the person he has and could always count on for the last 14 years.

It is as if he is looking back on what he see as "lost years" and blaming me and the marriage for being unhappy with his life.

I am actually out tonight meeting up with a friend. I plan to be home by 7:00 and like yesterday, he was waiting for me to come home and make dinner.

BTW. one of my girlfriends sent me flowers at home yesterday and the husband was curious....

[MyNewStrength]

^bump

[MrBond]

"It is as if he is looking back on what he see as "lost years" and blaming me and the marriage for being unhappy with his life. "

We all went through this with our WAS's.

The next time he has dinner ready for you, just tell him thanks but you had dinner with someone else and walk away whistling.

Did you have a question?

[MyNewStrength]

Help!! H is pressuring me to read the separation agreement and agree to how we divide up our stuff. He said he wanted to talk to me about it last night, but I got home later than expected and I went to bed. He thinks I am stalling.

This was his talk with me this morning..

"There is a hard way and there is an easy way to do this"...

He wants me to sit down and talk about how we separate everything we have shared together for the last 14 years!! He has no clue that that is so hard for me right now. And he see that by me NOT sitting down with him, then I don't want to work with him on the separation and his D. He then tells me that if I contest it, it will be difficult...

I don't know what to do.. I am so frustrated..