Really need your help

[formyfamily]

I really need your help.
This is my story. I have been married for 9 years. Husband and I have two beautiful daughters. H started being withdrawn from me sometime late last year and I could not shake the feeling that something was wrong. Normally, he is the one who always ask for a talk whenever something is wrong. In February , I shared my concerns with H telling him that he has been withdrawn and hardly physical, he said that yes, there’s something wrong that he needs some time to sort through it. So I asked him if it would be a good idea to go to counselling, he agreed to go. We were intimate in March. In April, I booked a session with a counsellor, during which he told me H said ILYBNILWY. I was floored, shocked and started crying during the session. I could no longer see this counsellor because she was cold, very clinical and I was not comfortable. All she did was asking about my background and his and the session was over. I left the session with the devastating news that those famous words. I had to look into another counsellor for me because I was having some dark though because of everything that had happened. I needed to sort out those feelings because of our daughters and I know that no matter what I had to be there for them. I found another counsellor who seems to be the right fit form me, I talked to her about our problems and help me to focus on the now, instead of my problems at home. I felt better, she told me that she also did marriage counselling so I brought H with me the next session. In those sessions he said that he felt that I was not being supportive of him of his second career which requires him to be out of the country a month in the spring and a month and a month in the fall for the past 5 years. I tried to explain to him that it is hard for me when he is gone all this time abroad. He thinks that all I should do is miss him and not to be cold to him when he is gone. He feels that whenever he talks about his second career, I seem to be not interested in anything he has to say. I explained to him that it was a coping mechanism, and that it is hard for me when the girls are cryng about their father being gone all this tme and that in order not to cry myself, I had to put my feelings aside and support our kids in any way I can so that they don’t feel the missing parent. But in doing that, I resented him for being gone all this time. So during one of the session I said that I would try to be more supportive and that maybe we as a family should go and visit, but he did not react much to this solution. We continued to go to the counselling session, but the counselor kept talking about separation ect. So after a couple of session, it was clear the counselor seems to be on a different path then I was, because she kept saying that what if scenarios and talking about separation. I was not happy about that. H did not react at all, it was a if he did not mind that the counsellor was on a different path. In June of this year, he said that he needed to talk and told me that he wanted a separation. He said that he had thought about it and that it was really hard for him to come up with this realization but it needs to be done. I was in shock, I cried, I pleaded, told him that my life was over. I asked him if he had thought of our children, I did everything the DB says not to do, I did not know at the time because I had not heard of the book. I asked him to please reconsider; he said that he would try while hugging me during the whole time. I cried during the entire night and for days after that. A couple of weeks later before he went on his trip, we were intimate. I thought that we were getting slowly closer and took that it as a small sign that things were getting better. I had been using the technique “act as if”. Boy was I wrong, he came back from his trip, was more distant than ever, started sleeping in the basement. I thought ok, he is there because it is hot in the house and we have no ac, but after a couple of days, I asked him if he was coming back upstairs, to which h informed me , that he needed time alone. Two days later(5 days ago) he came upstairs and said that he wanted to talk, he asked me if I brought a man to the house and that last time that were intimate it was different ( as if someone had been in there) i was so shocked, because I would NEVER sdo that , it goes against my beliefs, my values. I never would cheat. It shook me to the core. I told him that and then he said that he believes me but that he had thought about it and still wanted to separate. He also said that even the counselling sessions made him confirm that it is what he wants. I was fuming inside, but did not plead , cry or beg, it was hard to do, but I did not cry, maybe a tear here and there. He also said that this past year has been hard on him. Now I am depressed, I don’t know what to do and I am looking for another counsellor to help me go through this and someone who is pro-marriage. H is now gone for a couple of days on a business trip and called us last night and said that when he comes back he would like to have a talk. I am scared, have a pit in my stomach and don’t know what to do.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

[formyfamily]

Thank you for responding Cadet. I will try and get out more even though all I feel like doing is cry and stay home. I think I found another counsellor who is pr marriage. I talked to him on the phone and he offered to come over three days after h gets home. How should I get h to say ok to the session?

[Mimi00]

I suggest getting the book "Not the story you think it is...a season of unlikely happiness" by Laura Munson ...get it from the library....it reminds me of your sitch and will give you strategy and strength for how to handle your husband when he comes back from his trip.

Be strong for your kids.

I'm sure some vets will drop in w advice soon.

All the best to you!

[Cadet]

Thank you for responding Cadet. I will try and get out more even though all I feel like doing is cry and stay home. I think I found another counsellor who is pr marriage. I talked to him on the phone and he offered to come over three days after h gets home. How should I get h to say ok to the session?

I would go to the counselor for YOU, There is nothing you are going to say or do that is going to FIX your husband.
You didnt break him and you can not fix him.

Work on fixing yourself.
That is something you can control.

I know how hard this is, I have been there,

Keep reading and learning here and posting.

It will get better.

[littleGTO]

formyfamily,

I want to ask this as gently as possible--Have you considered that there might be OW in your H's life?

I say this not to cause you pain or alarm, but because MANY of the things you've said were the EXACT SAME SCENARIO as my sitch & in many, many others here who have discovered OP.

H getting increasingly distant, lack of intimacy, telling you that YOU were showing no interest in him/what he was doing, wanting to separate..AND on top of that your H is gone/on business A LOT.

I know your first instinct (like mine was) is to defend him, and your marriage and your values. I understand. BUT, you need to be prepared for the possibility with your eyes wide open.

I hope and pray this isn't the case for you, but if it is you really have to prepare yourself. Take time. Do NOTHING out of intense, reactant emotions.

YOu are still in the very early stages of all of this. Be patient with yourself. Let yourself FEEL THE PAIN, and realize that you need to be strong for your children.

Things WILL get better--- but it will take a long time and you need to take care of yourself along the way.

HUGS, my friend. We are here for you!!!

[formyfamily]

Hi Mimi30, I just got the book you suggested, and will start reading the book tomorrow. Hopefully the book will give me some insights.

Hi Cadet, I already sent an e-mail to H asking him if he would consider giving an hour of his time with the new counsellor before I saw your response. I hope that this does not go against the DB rules. But, if he does not respond or says no to the session, I will still go on my own because I need it for myself regardless of what he does. I would really like for him to come because it would show me that part of him still wants to resolve our situation.

Hi littlegto,

I asked him multiple times if he had someone else because of the fact that he is gone , no intimacy etc.... I asked him and he kept saying no that there is no one else in the picture over and over again. I will take your advice and not have intense reactions because that's exactly what I did before I read the book. I have to admit, I am scared that there is someone else but will continue to read the forum and write. This is helping me a lot.

I went to a wedding this weekend, I thought it was going to be really hard with me crying and everything. I was not going to go but my girlfriends encouraged me to go with them. It made me think back on our wedding and how beautiful it was. How can they walk away from it all?

Thank you all for your support

[formyfamily]

hi,

I checked my e-mail today and he has not replied to my e-mail regarding the counselor. He has not called either. He is coming back in two days. I am scared as to what he will say since he said that he wanted to talk when he got back. I feel that if he talked t me in front of the counsellor, I would be able to handle the conversation. I don't want to have a panic attack but I feel every time that there is a conversation between us it brings me down more and more. I really don't know how I am going to handle it....

[formyfamily]

Hi everyone,

H came back a day earlier than anticipated. I am trying not to panic because \I am really not ready for another one of his conversations where he makes an announcement such as the one when he said that he wants to separate. Every time he says he wants to talk, it is always negative news, and for some reason he always comes to the bedroom, says what he has to say then leaves me. Then I can't sleep and I cry all night.

I think that I should tell him no more discussions at night in the bedroom. Because honestly,\I can never sleep when he leaves. I am thinking more like going to a coffee place or something. What should I do? The book says, let him come to me right? So I will wait and tell him no more convo at night in the bedroom.

What do you think?

P.S. I am trying to find my happy, signed up for dancing classes

[formyfamily]

Hi Mimi30, I just got the book you suggested, and will start reading the book tomorrow. Hopefully the book will give me some insights.