Guess I belong here now...

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks RockJC for clarifying. Once I asked last night, I realized that's probably what you meant, but I was tired and didn't get it at first.

I do think it was wrong, but if we do ever decide to work on our R, I can't keep telling him that he was wrong for doing so. He knows how I feel, but we'd both have to get past that and move on to our future.

The date was okay. He's a very nice, smart guy and would be fine to be friends with, but there's no chemistry on my end. I don't think he feels the same way, so I've got to figure out how to nicely tell him I'm not interested in anything more.

I got my first, first date out of the way, so that's a good thing. And I do have a few other possibilities available, but school starts next week and that's my priority.

[RockJC]

//but if we do ever decide to work on our R, I can't keep telling him that he was wrong for doing so//

I went back and read a lot of your story. I am not sure what it is about your XH that draws you so close to him. Is it his looks, his charm, his money? I can't tell. The only thing I see when I read your posts is his Selfishness.

I think selfishness is at the core of MLC or WAS.

I decided to file because I just realized that I don't want to put any more effort or time into a relationship with someone who is in love with themselves. I will never be loved or treated the way I deserve by a person that always puts themselves first.

I agree that you will never be able to convince him that what he did is wrong. I just wonder why you are willing to settle for someone who thinks treating a marriage partner like that is OK.

You are divorced and starting over. You get to raise your standards. I know I am going to.

When I remarry, it is going to be with a person who loves God, who shares my values, who views marriage as commitment for life, and who has demonstrated through a lifetime of actions that they are willing to put others before themselves.

That man is out there, and it is not your XH. Time to let him go.

[sweetbabyred]

Deep down, he is a good person. He's been dealing with depression and self esteem issues for a long time.

So no, I don't want xh the way he is right now back, but this isn't the guy that I met and fell in love with over 7 years ago.

Part of his problem is that he doesn't really love himself and he's trying to feel better by being around people who will distract him from thinking/dealing with that.

Yes, we'd have a lot of issues to work out if we ever decided to work on things, but I'm not going to say that it could never happen.

I wouldn't be on this site if I didn't think marriages could be saved, even after a divorce.

But I am going to work on me right now and let xh do his own thing. He has his own issues to work on and hopefully someday he will.

[RockJC]

I believe in miracles.

I still love my wife and pray every night for the healing of our marriage. But my standards are higher. I am not going back to the marriage we had before, let alone the one we have now.

There is nothing wrong with hope, but don't settle for less than you deserve. Make him do the work and change before you let him back into your life.

[subguy]

The date was okay. He's a very nice, smart guy and would be fine to be friends with, but there's no chemistry on my end. I don't think he feels the same way, so I've got to figure out how to nicely tell him I'm not interested in anything more.

Just be honest about where you are emotionally and that your just not feeling it. I'd rather have someone tell me honestly, (obviously don't be cruel) than for some bs line. I'm sure you already have this figured out though.

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks subguy for the advice. It just seemed to me that I was being shallow, but it was my first date, and I'm not going to force something to happen.

Last night's sermon was about forgiveness and common myths about it. One was that forgiving someone means that they didn't hurt you and another was that you had to resume the relationship you had with that person. Another was that forgiveness was a feeling; instead you have to decide to forgive, because you'll never wake up feeling like you want to do it.

The pastor mentioned the story of the prodigal son, saying that the father forgave him, but knew that the son needed to take his own journey and that the father couldn't chase him down. Instead, he needed to live his own life and just be thankful when the son eventually returned.

It really reminded me of the journey we take with our MLC'ers. We can forgive them and love them from afar, but they have a journey to take and we can't join them on it. We have to do our own thing and if he/she returns, we'll deal with it then.

I haven't heard from xh in a week now and I'm doing ok with it. I've noticed that he'll stay away for a week or two, then initiate contact for several days, then repeat the cycle.

I don't think that his wanting me to live nearby is because he's wanting to keep tabs on me. I think it's because he is scared he'll lose me completely if I'm not nearby. He's told me before that he's worried I'll move far away once I graduate since I don't have family keeping me here.

Who knows what will happen? Maybe I will move far away. I'm keeping busy with work, school, and church and dealing with my stuff.

I no longer pray for God to bring us back together, but for us to figure out the paths we're supposed to be on and follow them to the best of our ability. Maybe they will intersect again, but I'm leaving that up to God.

I don't think I'm ready for this online dating stuff. If I do somehow meet a great guy, then great, but school and my issues need to be my priority.

[brobafet]

I no longer pray for God to bring us back together, but for us to figure out the paths we're supposed to be on and follow them to the best of our ability.

Ohhhh I like it......

I'm constantly changing my prayers around. I think I'll throw this in there and see how this does for me. I want to forgive. I want to be around her and not have it drive me absolutely nuts because what she did. I like it sweet. You're doing awesome!

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks brobafet!

I've listened/read tons of inspirational stuff over the last few months and something that caught my attention was that we often pray for too little or for something that isn't good for us. Since I'm trying to follow God's plan, whatever that is, I thought my prayers needed to leave it up to him.

So I finally had the convo with the guy I went out with and told him that I had a good time, but I'm so busy and school needs to be my priority. I have plans every night until Sunday, so I couldn't fit someone in unless I really wanted to and I just wasn't feeling it.

Shortly after, I got a text from xh asking how I was. I didn't respond immediately and 15 minutes later got a "have a good night" text. It was only 8:30, so I'm assuming he was just annoyed that I didn't respond immediately.

Told him I was busy but good and hoped he was too. He responded that he didn't like how our "friendship" was going and that maybe we should be enemies. Long story short, he thinks I should keep texting him, because it doesn't bother him and if he's busy he'll ignore it like I do.

I told him that I prefer to speak to my friends in person or over the phone, so he suggested that we meet up tonight or tomorrow. Yeah, it's almost 10 now, so that's not going to happen and I'm busy every night.

He seemed to be upset that I'm not available (darn!) and said guess it wouldn't work. I tried to be nice and said I'm a little more open next week, so maybe we could do something if he was in town.

Before I responded to his first texts, I was doing a meditation on my phone. Today's lesson? "conquer an angry man with love!" Just what I needed to see.

[shouldistillhope]

Hi sweetbabyred,

I moved to this forum yesterday and just had a chance to catch up on your thread. I have often wondered if i would get a "sign" from God or if i was just too blind to see what is right there in front of me. For now, i think i am supposed to be patient and wait for it.

It seems like you do quite a bit of things to stay busy and i need to get to that place myself.

Just wondering if you feel like your XH is trying to keep you around for a plan B if things don't work out for him. If you do have those feelings, how do you deal with them and still hold out hope for a reconciliation someday?

I am really having trouble trying not to contact XW. I don't know whether i should make her pursue me, or if i should ask her out on a date again at some point.

How do you handle the urge to contact your ex? My XW felt that i didn't pay enough attention to her and I wasn't there for her. How do you try and balance those feelings without pursuing?


Your D was final around the same time as mine, so i see alot of similarities in our sitch except for the fact that my XW doesn't seem like she is coming out of the fog anytime soon.

Were you suprised that your XH discussed a possible future at some point together?

[RosaLinda]

hey SweetRed, just catching up on your sitch. I'm glad you let that nice guy down easily, no wonder he is attracted to you but maybe you're just not ready yet, plus you have so much going on right now.

I hope you're doing okay, and are enjoying school. What are studying?