Sunday morning and my H calls to tell me he should be home by noon today. The last time he was here, we had a brief argument. I do not want that to happen again, so I need help if we get into a discussion on our marriage.
However, I believe his depression is the cause for him wanting a divorce. Before you say it, I am not making excuses. When we first met up until our marriage had problems 5 years ago, my Husband was happy, we spent time with each other's family and friends, we traveled extensively, we were avid runners and we both enjoyed spending time together cooking. All of this has stopped (except for a brief family trip we just took in July). He is home all of the TIME, he sits on the couch and watches TV or playing video games!! He is 51 years old!! He had the hair on his chest removed 3 years ago. He has gained weight (25 lbs) because he is just a couch potato. I not saying this to be mean, but he is depressed. And I want to help him. When he tells me about what is going on with his job, it seems that he is covering up what is going on there. 2 year ago as a part of his performance review, he was told he was "at the bottom of the barrel" of all the managers. He has been under a lot of pressure this year at work.
He is very hurt by this. But he is also prideful, so I know there will never be a way (or at least I think) for him to possibly see that he truly is depressed.
He is drinking more than usual. He even accused me of having an affair. I told him I was not and this is true. He feels inadequate and I don't know how to help him. He cries at movies now when in the past, he showed no empathy. But still yet, he thinks something or someone out there will make him happy. He is realizing that it is the person or spouse that makes you happy. IT'S YOU!!!
Our MC from last year was really about to make a breakthrough with my H on this, but he kept pushing back. I knew we shouldn't have stopped seeing her. What to do?
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
DU, You might want to go back and re-read all of your old postings. The advice will be the same as it was then...keep the focus on you. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He's the only one that determine when he's had enough of the wallowing and then see medical assistance. If you were to attempt to discuss the issue w/him, he very well may shut down completely.
To help him, you need to step back and just be a friend. Listen when he wants to talk, recognize him for anything he does around the home, but you can't make him go to the doctor.
If you think that it helped you to discuss your issues w/a professional, you may want to consider going to one by yourself for now.
MLC is a very long and slow process and if he's suffering from this ailment, then he's got a ways to go. Start doing things for yourself, get out and do fun things and leave him moping on the couch. Eventually he will get curious and start to ask questions. Detach, detach and detach even more. Give him plenty of space and just leave him be.
BTW, glad to see you returned after being gone quite a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When he tells me about what is going on with his job, it seems that he is covering up what is going on there. 2 year ago as a part of his performance review, he was told he was "at the bottom of the barrel" of all the managers. He has been under a lot of pressure this year at work.
I agree with Snodderly and it is not surprising that during his MLC he got bad performance reviews in his job.
I bet he got bad performance reviews from his wife too!
The four pillars of an MLC are Body, Spouse, Job and God.
More than likely they fail at all of these.
Glad you posted and it sounds like you are doing much better. That is great!
Well, I have a different opinion. I agree with you, DU - this sounds like clinical depression (compounded by MLC/turning 50/career insecurity).
What might you do to help with this?
First - can you suggest that he get his thyroid and testosterone levels checked? Low levels of either of these hormones can cause weight gain and depression.
Second - does he snore or have sleep apnea? Untreated sleep disorders also cause weight gain and fatigue.
Third - can you do anything to make the finances more stable or discuss plans with him for career change/ early retirement? Part of the MLC crisis is feeling stuck - financially, spiritually, and yes, maritally. It's a "Is that all there is?" kind of feeling. If you can show him a path to financial independence/ change of lifestyle/etc, he might start to feel less hopeless.
Fourth - various B vitamin deficiencies also cause depression. If you can get him to take a B complex, fish oil, maybe some SamE or 5-HTP, this might also help his depression.
Surprisingly, when he told me again this morning that his mind was made up and all he wants to talk about know is D, then I cried for a minute and wiped my tears. I got to work. I think I have let him use me as a human yo-yo.
So I am calling a locksmith, changing the locks on the house, and packing his stuff and putting them in boxes in the Garage. No more of me waiting for him to leave. If he wants to leave, I will help him.
Cadet, he didn't get anything from me other than encouraging words. But he now says that he is not sure if is happy as he should be. I am not playing second fiddle to anyone for the second and last time.
Enough is enough.
He will be mad when he comes home and finds that he is unable to enter. He may call me every name in the book. He may even call the police. I am just in shock. We spent a family vacation together in July, we celebrated our anniversary, and then 3 weeks ago, I get the "I am happy but I don't thinks I am as happy as I should be." I personally think that is a bunch of crap!
SO when he returns tonight, he will be upset, but we were suppose to talk this weekend, and he spent it at his best friends place. I know, do I think he is cheating...No, because I don't have that sinking feeling like before (then again, maybe I am off).
So right now. Just waiting for the blast!! But I cannot sit around any longer and be used as a yo-yo with him controlling everything.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
KML Understood. I will not change the locks, I was already feeling a little guilty about this. But if he wants to leave the marriage, then he has to leave the house. I can work with lawyers to get everything settled.
DU
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I know that my husband is going through a mid life crisis and he is REPLAY. He is displaying all of the characteristics. And because I love him, I am frightened for him. Yes, people in MLC care more for themselves than they do anyone else. They feel it is there time to be selfish feeling the desire to "act out" because as the aging process continues, they see their youth slipping away from them. He thinks he only has a few years left and feels as though he is missing out on life. When I ask what he wants to do for himself, he cannot answer. He thinks by removing himself from the marriage that he will be happy.
While this hurts me, he may find someone new to spend time with who invigorates him (first time dating), but soon that will die down and reality sets in.
I know that I have cried and probably haven't seen the last of that, but I cry out for his happiness and wellness. While he is hurting me right now, I do have compassion and consideration for him even though he is not returning the same.
My Husband is not a bad person, be he has turned into a very depressed, self-absorbed individual who believes his life is slipping away. He can't see that there is a deep personal issue he is experiencing because he will never admit fault with himself. I am not sure what my role should be moving forward....a caring friend? However, I cannot help him through the MLC. He will continue to justify his actions because he needs a reasoning for a divorce. He his totally re-written our history because it serves the purpose of resolution for divorce.
He is coming home today and he wants to separate our belongings. I am not sure If I have the strength to do that without crying. He wants to remain living in the house as roommates through the separation and until he files for divorce.
I guess I need to determine if is now time for me to get off of this rollercoaster of emotions.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
He wants to remain living in the house as roommates through the separation and until he files for divorce.
No.
Seriously? He wants to get out of the marriage because yOU are somehow the cause of his unhappiness - but he wants to keep living with you as room mates in the meantime?
NO.
Tell him your new boyfriends will probably not appreciate him hanging out around the house when they come over, and he needs to move out if this is what he truly wants. (I'm only half kidding here.)
See an attorney before you split ANY belongings with him.
