better to love or be loved?

[willbwell]

all of the above. just so tired of it. h today asks what I want him to do for the kids. I said get therapy to figure out why you couldn't be happy with our family. he won't do that. But, yet he expects me to go along with D. He even gave me names of attorneys his attorney recommended. So, am I just supposed to call up and say hello, my name is...my H gave me your # because he would like to D. I have seen an attorney. My attorney charges 375/hr. too expensive I know. should probably find another but would rather focus on my classes.

H says over and again, I'm not coming back. I should have said I hear you, but I didn't. He gets defensive and angry at me. I said if we are going to be amicable , we need to be kind and considerate.

H says he wants to move forward. I want to ask him what does that mean? He has his freedom. He does his own thing. Can I ask...does that mean? he wants to date again? get married again?
I want to say moving forward is usually positive growth. I see nothing positive in D.

Need to go study.

[willbwell]

underdog, D15 does have a special needs trust in place. She goes to a great school and can stay there until she is 22.There are places that do "day programs" for young adults with MR once they age out of school system. I will get guardianship process started when she is about 17&1/2.. She is good and sweet and a gift. Honestly don't know how h can stand not being with her.

I live in a community property state. I know I am entitled to half. H has an account that is in his name only- inheritance from his mom( who btw he had no relationship with, I did) He has agreed to give me half of that. I know he is not legally obligated. H grew up without money concerns. I did nor grow up that way. I am facing the demons of my childhood again...
its the fears that are holding me back.
How to conquer those fears?

I better go talk to my therapist.

[JuneReN]

Guys, what about financial fears? fears of having no one to take care of you as one ages? fear of being alone? fear of the trauma of divorce?

Will try and plan for the financial thing( taking classes now to help find future employment)

Lately, I've been trying to recognize my fears so I could get a handle on them. To get past them...


I"ll answer you here

For the fear of being alone, it has never been an issue for me, even as I get older, I just see the opportunity to do what I want. Would I rather do it with H? Yup, but that may not happen, so I better become good with me.

Financially, you get half, as you were saying and also, obviously H will have to support your D for the rest of her life, so that is a comfort.

You are taking classes and looking for employment, what are you qualified for? What do you want to be qualified for?

H will have a legal obligation to keep you in style you are accustomed to until you at least find employment. That can even be in the form of schooling. hat do you want to do when you grow up?

I can spout cliches about when one door closes blah blah, but it comes down to this:

Live where you fear to live. But you have to actually begin living. Act as if there is just you and kids, that's it. How are you going forward?

I'm 47 myself, and pretty much stay at home until ummm...now. So I am completing my Master's which will give me a license to teach and hopefully I will have a job. Sure, less than I am used to, but I will be self sufficient

Hugs willbwell

[willbwell]

Thanks for stopping by and the stuff about fears. Class got out early. Sitiing outside with a cup of coffee. My classes are downtown. I live in a great city. I enjoy learning. I know the good stuff. Just this morning h stopped by to take d to dentist. 1st time ever! But he's such a sourpuss when he comes by. So too bad for him. I presently rub him the wrong way whatever I do. Not going to let him impact my mood.
Told him do what he has to do but for now my focus is kids and school.

[kml]

H has an account that is in his name only- inheritance from his mom( who btw he had no relationship with, I did) He has agreed to give me half of that. I know he is not legally obligated.

If he is offering this, try to get things settled as quickly as possible before he changes his mind. The WAS often makes generous offers like this at first, then withdraws them later once they get over their guilt. Try to get the best deal possible for yourself while he's still feeling guilty.

H grew up without money concerns. I did nor grow up that way. I am facing the demons of my childhood again...
its the fears that are holding me back.
How to conquer those fears?

I find frugality blogs empowering - try reading the Tightwad Gazette books by Dacyzyn, and the mrmoneymustache blog online.

[willbwell]

kml, thanks I know. just a bit feels like I'm 'selling out' hush money. [censored]. stop griping and complaining right? could have no h and no $

[Iwondertooo]

Hi there, well your H seems to be taking the divorce seriously and so should you. I completely understand the fear of financial implications. I think the best thing to do right now, hard as it is, accept that it will happen and be prepared in every way you can for the paperwork. Ask your attorney what you will need to have and get it all ready to go. It is a large effort to find everything and make copies and all that. The further along you are with the paperwork the better position you are in. Focus on the business that will be at hand. You have a lot going on so organize and plan for the paperwork.

Then to allay fear, think of the absolute worst that could happen. What would you do. How would you survive? In my case I went a little nuts. I had no reason to think I would be destitute but prepared anyway. Swear I bought camping equipment and decided I could live on the street or in a camp ground if I had to. This is just an example, make mental plans for absolute worst case. You may see that you are not powerless and getting the paperwork in order will give you a sense of control and order.

How are you feeling? If your H is being mean to you just engage on a business level. No more games, it is what it is. Wonder.

[willbwell]

Hi Wonder, I have made copies of financial papers. I asked h to go ahead and split out a sole account(his name only) and give 1/2 to me. said it should be equal in value...not crappy stocks. H said unfortunate that I think he would do that..I replied whole sit is unfortunate. I asked h to let me know when he gets that done( really only a phone call to our(his) financial guy.)
H gets mad at me. I have started to notice that he makes comments to me but really behind is his guilt. ie. h said I'd use that $ with another man someday. I laughed and said you are one to talk! that $ will be for me and kids future.
I hate the games, the lies. Really am at a point that I wish I could say just leave us alone for a while. Won't do it though because of d15.

[Golfgirl1]

Hang in there and breathe....

I had many of the same fears you had 4 years ago. It all works out the way it's supposed to, it just does. I grew up eating neck bones, sauerkraut and lots of spaghetti. We didn't have a lot of money and I learned to be frugal. In my D, I got a fair shake, but no where near the standard of living I had finally become accustomed to. So, I started meditating and just listening to my fears. NONE of them have come true. I have money (I'm a teacher) a home, great friends, and an amazing life. This past summer I traveled to India with my best friend. Your life is going to be so much better than you every imagined and you have to trust that.

[willbwell]

trying to trust..(knowing I need to trust) in God's plan for me. know I deserve someone who will love and cherish me.
still so physically attracted to h. see him and miss the physical. Know he has behaved so badly.
saw my IC. talked about my fears, and other issues...jealousy, anger,
I do have a dilemma. on the one hand, I should do something different. I am always accommodating to h. I don't make demands. He sees the kids when it works for his schedule. IC says have h take kids for entire week and do all...carpool, hw, meals, laundry. Basically, what I do everyday. While it would be good for h to experience what I do and what D could look like not sure this is what I (or kids) would want.
ideas??