Recap of my Situation: Hubs and I have been married almost 4 years. I got the bomb drop in April, and have been separated for 3 months. At first the separation seemed to be going well. The hubs communicated to me the reasons why he was unhappy. Said he was unhappy because of feeling taken for granted, my temper, and the way I treated him in front of others (he recalls 2 occasions where I said very hurtful things in front of his friends and mother). I have apologized several times for these occations as I know I have a problem with overreacting. Hubs also complained about me not being the best wife, not cleaning, cooking, or doing things for him during our marriage. I lost my job in December and that's when things really took a turn for the worse. I was feeling very depressed and wasn't focusing on our marriage. I was too consumed with my own problems and job situation. He was picking up a lot of the slack around the house. So in April he told me he was unhappy, and we separated in May.
A little bit more background: He is from another country and he found out he had this whole other family from his father's side. He has since visited 3 times in the past year and I haven't gone with him. I felt very left out with the whole situation and he felt I wasn't supporting him. I was supporting him, I was just not felling included in the situation. So, he has become very close to his 2 female cousins who he talked to on a daily basis in another language, so I didn't know what was going on. They also introduced him to a few of their friends who he has started to talk to as well. I have no idea what they talk about and have caught him in a lie about talking to them over the phone. Not sure if he is in an EA, but I don't want to be naive. There is no way for me to find out, since I moved out of the house and don't know what is going on.
Since the separation: Things at first were going pretty well, I was the one initiating all the contact and trying to see him. He was very receptive, we are still being intimate. But he always told me he was unsure. He also told me he was thinking about moving to his home country for a while to get to know his family, but then decided against it. I was trying to keep my distance (even though I hadn't read Divorce Busters yet). We talked every few days to once a week and saw eachother at least once a week. Things are always great when we are together and I can tell he is torn. We still are affectionate and I let him talk a lot and just listen.
Since reading Divorce Remedy, I have been keeping my distance, not asking about the future anymore, not talking about the relationship unless he brings it up, etc. At first I thought it was working because he called me and said hem missed me and was wondering why I hadn't called him. I just I saw him last Sunday, over a week ago before I left on a business trip and he asked me if I missed him. He also told me he was going to move into his friend's place in September since he doesn't want to live in our home anymore (the house we lived in is owned by his mother and we pay the mortgage). He's been wanting to move out of her place for a long time. Before I would plead with him and tell him I didn't want him to move, but this time I told him to let me know when to move the rest of my things out of the house in a very calm and nice way! He also initiated relationship talk and asked me if I regretted not dating anyone else but him during college and if I would change anything. He also asked me about our wedding and if I regretted getting married. I told him of course I didn't regret it. And then I asked him how he felt and he said he would never regret the happiest days of his life! UGH
I guess what I am trying to figure out is what to do next. Since last Sunday I haven't called him, but he also hasn't called me. Do I keep my distance and not initiate contact, or since I had success with it in the past, do I initiate? I feel like we are moving in the opposite direction. Or is he trying to test me by saying those things?
FYI: My work ending up hiring me for a promotion and have been traveling quite a bit for training and got a raise and company car.
Since reading Divorce Remedy, I have been keeping my distance, not asking about the future anymore, not talking about the relationship unless he brings it up, etc. At first I thought it was working because he called me and said hem missed me and was wondering why I hadn't called him.
Not sure what you mean by "at first" you thought it was working, because everything you describe in your post sounds like it IS working. When you pull back and give your spouse time and space, they will start wondering if you're moving on and they will reach out to you to try to keep you on as plan B. That's what he's doing. But he hasn't changed his mind about the M, at least not yet. So stick with your DB'ing.
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I guess what I am trying to figure out is what to do next.
Keep DB'ing, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You've got to be patient.
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Do I keep my distance and not initiate contact, or since I had success with it in the past, do I initiate?
I wouldn't confuse friendly conversation with "success". It sounds to me like you had more "success" when you quit reaching out to him, that was when he started reaching out to you. But he won't reach out every day or even every week. He'll run hot and cold.
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I feel like we are moving in the opposite direction. Or is he trying to test me by saying those things?
It's very common for the WAS to try and string the LBS along. It is "testing" in a way. Don't sit there and be his plan B. Get out and GAL. Leave him to his journey while you take control of yours.
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FYI: My work ending up hiring me for a promotion and have been traveling quite a bit for training and got a raise and company car.
Thank you so much for your response AnotherStander. I really need to detach more i think, but it is definitely hard! I definitely dont want to be the plan B, and be strung along. I think seeing you say it and the part of him being hot and cold really makes sense. I just have to be patient! I think I got scared that he wasn't reaching out in the past 1.5 weeks (I know, not very long).
I also think he was shocked to hear that I was looking for my own place and asked him when to get the rest of my things. It took him by surprise and he was more affectionate and started to ask me if I missed him, etc.
My GAL's have been concentrating on my new job, going out with friends, and exercising. I also want to start taking a dance class since I danced most of my life and stopped about 5 years ago. By the way, I went to my friend's bachelorette party this past weekend, and my husband didn't like it very much! The last time I spoke to him he asked me if I was going and when I told him yes he said 'but I thought you decided not to go' in a very concerned tone! I said I changed my mind because it would be nice to get out for a girls weekend.
We texted last night briefly and he asked me to come over on Sat to take the dogs to the park and maybe lunch or dinner. Any advice before I go?
So I went over to our house on sat and things went well for the most part. We took our dogs to the dog park and talked. He continued to give me compliments and call me nicknames he gave me. We went to dinner afterwards, he was very sweet and a gentleman. We went home and watched a movie, he held my hand and rubbed my arm during the movie. He also offered for me to spend the night since it was late and I had a 45 min drive back to my parents.
He started to get affectionate and I started R talk! I know, my bad. I told him I didn't want to be a part time wife anymore, and that I loved him and want him to be happy. But that this situation isn't healthy for us being in limbo. I also told him that I need to focus on myself and that I need to move on although this isn't what I wanted. He told me he is scared that things will be as they were, and I told him I was scared too. I then said that I didn't want things as they were either and I wanted a fresh start. He then went on again about the past, and I told him we eventually have to start moving forward.
We ended up being intimate, initiated by him. He told me he missed my kisses etc. Then we went to sleep and cuddled the rest of the night. I know I shouldn't have initiated any R talk, but I couldn't help it! Any ways I left in the morning and we kissed and hugged goodbye. Now I'm back to not initiating contact, he called and texted me last night at 11:30, but I was watching a movie at the time and missed it. We texted a little bit today, and he flirted a little.
What to do now? I'm not sure, but I feel like I'm not detaching enough.
That's where I'm at right now, any insight would be appreciated!
Anyone have any feedback? I guess I'm looking to see if I'm doing the right things by being open and affectionate back to him? Also, he is living in our home (i am with my parents) and I usually pay half the rent. Since moving out we agreed I would pay half of what I usually pay. Well, since I am making more money now and his job has been pretty slow (he has his own business). He has been struggling to pay the rent there. That's part of the reason why he wants to move in with his friend. Should I offer to help him pay the rent? I'm a little conflicted on if I should help him or not. My heart tells me I should since I love him and don't want him to struggle. Any thoughts?
I think I majorly backslid yesterday. I hadn't spoke to my H for over a week and a half and he texts me that he is moving out of our home that we shared (I'm living with my parents) and that he will be gone by Friday to his friends. I didn't think he would end up moving even though he told me he was thinking about it for the last couple months. So I called him asking if I had to get my stuff out as well because we only have 2 days and with work it will be impossible. He offered to bring some of my things. He also said since his mom hasn't rented it out to anyone yet I still have time to get my stuff. A lot of our stuff is going into storage that he got, like our wedding presents etc. this is going to be really hard for me to go back to an empty house. I'm not sure I'm prepared for that!
Well after I got off the phone with him I balled my eyes out then got really angry. So I called him a couple hours later and said I think we should get a divorce since he's obviously moving in that direction by moving in with his friend. He said he understands and that maybe I'm right. So after that I'm heartbroken and miserable because that's not what I wanted, I just blurted it out because I'm angry. Anyways I ended up regretting what I said and called him back a couple hours later and apologized and said I didn't mean it, I was just feeling really hurt. He said he was sad and he didn't want to think about that either or make any rash decisions. He went on to tell me he would understand if I did because it has been 4 months and knows he hurt me. We then talked a while and he also said he was afraid to lose me. I asked if he wanted me to make that decision because he couldn't make one and he said sometimes he did wish that, but that he doesn't want to think about that. He also asked me a lot about our relationship and what I would change if I could go back (he's asked me this a few times before). So I told him the things that have made me a better person through this experience etc and validated his feelings.
He also told me its been hard the last few days in the empty house and going through our things, but thinks this is the best decision right now because he's tired of living there.
He asked me if I missed him again, and told me he misses me so much sometimes. Other times he feels like its the best decision. He said he can't make any decisions right now, but he doesn't want to give up. I then asked what we could do to start at least moving forward so we're not stuck in this limbo, and he said he would have to think about it. We ended the convo talking about fantasy football (this is one of my 180's, he always wanted me to be more involved with this).
Now I'm just thinking I shouldn't have said most of the things above and backslid! If anyone has advice out there, I would really appreciate it!
I'm supposed to go over there today to pick up something for work and pick up a few things. Hopefully I will pull it together and handle myself well when I'm there. I'm going to not go into relationship talk at all!
So a lot has happened since my last post...I ended up going over to my house to pick up the stuff I needed, and tried to act as positive as possible packing up my stuff. It was so hard to be there in an almost empty house from where we started our journey together as a married couple.
I stayed strong, he was asking how I was doing and I told him I've just been really busy with work and everything and that I wont have very much time in the next couple of weeks to pick up my stuff. He said that was fine, and continued to talk to me about random stuff. I asked him if he was sure this is what he wanted and he said no he isn't sure. I then started to leave and he walked me to my car and offered to carry out most of my stuff.
You sort of cut off there - how has detaching and going dark been working?
Believe me, I know how hard it is not to call and ask about R, then apologize later, but I'm really busting my own chops, so I'll say the same.
He helped you out, now stop contacting. Go cold turkey dark. I'm 3 days in, and it is empowering. You are not "losing" them, you are setting them free.
After I was all packed up, I asked if he was hungry and would like to get something to eat. He said sure so we headed out to dinner. I told him I wanted to treat him since he completed his teaching credential and I was proud of him (his LL is acts of service). He picked the restaurant and it was one that we have gone to for several special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, etc). He brought up the R and talked about what changes I would make if I could go back in the marriage. I let him know what I would change, but also told him we can't change the past but can move forward and change the future. He was open and sweet with me during dinner and was talking quite a bit about the R.
After dinner we drove up to a cliff over looking the beach and we talked some more. A romantic song came on and he said he loved that song, I said so do I. He then started to rub my arm again and kissed me.
I told him we shouldn't go any further because we don't want to get confused and move to fast. He said you're right and we drove home.
He then said he wanted to give me a massage for taking him out to dinner and I let him. He was kissing me again and tried to take it further. Again, I said I didn't want to get confused and decided to head home. He walked me to my car and told me he loved me very much. I left and then came back! I know I shouldn't have, but he didn't want me to leave and neither did I so I turned around. I came back in the house and he was so excited that I decided to stay. We ended up being intimate (even though I knew I shouldn't have per my DB coach). I then went on about the R and if he wanted to start over etc (again, I know I shouldn't have but said it anyways!). We ended up cuddling the rest of the night and I went home in the morning.
That was on Wednesday last week, and on Friday I called him to ask him how the move was going since he wanted to be out of there by then. We had a pretty decent chat, said he has his doubts and I said it's understandable that he does. He then went on to say how much Wednesday night meant to him that I came back and took him out to dinner. We then ended the call.
Later that night he called me crying hysterically. I've never heard him cry like that in our whole relationship. He told me he didn't think the empy house would get to him that much and I told him I was sad too. He told me how much he missed me and loved me and was scared. I told him I was scared too. He went on about the R again, and said he wished I would have been mean from the beginning of the separation so that it would be easier for him. He also said that he knows he hurt me and was sorry. I just listened and validated and told him I was there for him. He told me he is scared of being alone and didn't expect to miss me this much. He also said that he loves me so much and is afraid that he'll never find someone that he loves as much. I then told him maybe we can try again? I know I shouldn't have but I thought it was a good moment to. Looking back though I know I shouldn't have and that it should be his idea. He said MAYBE, I think you might be right, and then said he has to think about it. We ended the call, and he said have fun tomorrow night ( I was going to spend the weekend with my friend for her birthday).
The next day I texted him saying I hoped he felt better and he said yes, thank you for listening last night.
To be honest I thought this was the breakthrough I was looking for but realize that I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up or to rush things along.
I should learn to be patient and go slow, I feel like I backslid so much by asking him to start over. I haven't heard from him since Sat so that confirms that I scared him off again.
I need to learn to back off and let him decide what he wants. LESSON LEARNED!
